(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale)
11 May
Today, in Pokhran Indian has tested its nuclear strength. The whole city is talking about it. I am very much depressed to listen the news. Arms-race is against humanity. The world does not need it, then why arms are being made all around, Why ? Why ?? and Why ??? OH ! My whole body is crumbling. It is 11 pm. I go to the bank of The Ganges. The dark sky spreads all around the river.Some fishersmen are sleeping on the sand. I sit and see the current of the river and try to understand the effect of the explosion. Will this explosion affect my lovely river anyway? If yes, all the policy makers must be removed. I opened my shoes, jeans and shirt and enter into the river and swim nearly half kilometer. Now I am in the middle of the river, feeling the excitement of the clod water. I just go deep and deep. And when I try to turn back, the current of the water pushes me away. Even I am unable to see the banks of the river, because all around there is a darkness. I see, some fire far away, and I try to swim in that direction. After half an hour, I come to the bank. It is a crematorium place. The fire is just coming from a burning dead body. I get there no one. I feel some coldness and sit besides the fire. I think deeply about the man's body that is burning before my eyes and the warm fire. What is death? Why we all are mad behind more and more power. King Harish Chandra was working in a crematorium, because he had donated everything, his wife ,his son and even himself, because he was a man of words.
Oh know I have to leave the place. But I have lost my all article, I have only one underwear over my body. I leave the place and move slowly to my Omen. I walk…walk… and walk. After two hours I come to my Omen. Outside Omen I have a hearty bath and then enter into it. I am naked, I do not want anything….I just want to write, write and write…and I am writing. My flowing words give me pleasures.
12 May
Today I have seen an advertisement of a college of Mass communication. I think I should take admission in it. Applications are being invited and I am going to apply for a seat. It will give me an opportunity to make my carrier in field of journalism. But I have to submit a draft of five hundred rupees. Now I have no money, anyhow I have to manage it. Let me think of it seriously. A journalist can serve the society through his writings.
13 May
Is it the heinous crime of my life? I know it is against law. Today I proposed the black girl's younger. She broke down to me and started weeping. I tried my level best to console her but she did not stop. When I said her that I was not serious about it, it was just a fun, she became furious and told me,'' you are older than me, so why I was hesitating to enter in your life. I always love you, I do not know what you want to me, but I will sacrifice my life for you.'' In fact I am afraid to see her passion and devotion. Somewhere I am feeling myself caged to indulge with her, but somewhere I am highly fascinated with her innocent love. She is too young, only thirteen years. Should I go ahead? I am little confused regarding her. She has promised to meet me soon, and with a little hesitation I am waiting for her. But I won't meet her, it would be better for both of us.
15 May
What a girl she is ! I am very much surprised. Today she has given me ''The Kamsutra'' by Vatsayan and asked me to read it thoroughly. It is a fascinating book, sexuality has been dealt in it very keenly. In this book the structures of women bodies has been explored according to the geographical condition of the country. I do not know these facts are scientific or not, but it has created my curiosity in women's bodies. Whenever and wherever I meet a woman, I watch her body very keenly in order to match it with the description of the book. Somewhere I am afraid of the little girl, she knows more about the adult's life and is very much interested to discuss with me. Let me read the book.
16 May
I do not understand the chemistry of woman and a man. Since Yesterday night I have been reading ''The Kamsutra.'' A lot of funny things have been written in this book, like how you choose your woman, how you communicate your self to her, how you understand her body language, how you know her ideas about yourself, how you use her closest friend to express yourself before her. In this book sixteen kinds of kiss and 64 positions have been mentioned. The little girl is a devil, I have to change my way. Certainly I have to change my way. Vatsayan is a hell! But it has created my curiosity in the love life man and woman. Let me change this book, otherwise it will make my mind dirty.
17 May
I am reading a book ''Lenin in London.'' Lenin was the most wanted person in Russia. He went to London with Krupskaya and preparing for the Russian revolution. There he would spent most of his time in National Library reading the ''Das Capital'' by Karl Marx and making notes. He was dead determined for the Russian revolution. Krupskaya was a teacher. She would love Lenin. She was very much supportive to Lenin. She was regularly corresponding with revolutionary leaders of Russia on behalf of Lenin. She was taking care not only of Lenin but also of his revolutionary activities. I am highly fascinated with krupskaya. In fact I fell in love with her. Is there any krupskaya for me? I want a lady like kurpskaya, will I get it? I do not think so. I have read an interesting story regarding Lenin. It is written by a secret agent of British Government. According to the story, he got an information that a meeting of Russian revolutionary leaders was to be held in a hotel. He went to the hotel and met the manager and asked him to provide a place so that he could listen the speech of all Russian leaders. Manager locked him in a cupboard where the meeting was to be held. When the meeting started he listen all speeches. After listening the speech of Lenin he was horrified, although he did not see his face. Latter he reported, ''Lenin is very confident about the revolution in Russia and what he has in mind is very dangerous for both Russia as well as the World.''
18 May
I went to the art college of the city to find out more and more details about the old painter. Once he was the principal of this art college. I met one of his old friends who remembered the old painter with his many good acts. But I felt that he was in a stress. Later I knew that a dog fighting was going on for the authority of the art college. Some students had been kicked off from the hostel. Naturally I took interest in all the matter and became very sad about the present condition of this art college. For a little while, I had been captured by the goons of the college authority. They are bad people and I hate them. Now I have to write all the details of the old painter and have to send it to the lady boss.
19 May
I have just finished ''Crime and punishment'' by Dostovesky. It depicts very well about the poverty of Russian. The psychology of the protagonist has been written in a very keen manner. He plans to kill the old landlady and he is very much confident that he is going to do a great work like Nepolian Bonapart as he is liberating the poor masses from the clutches of the old landlady. The Russian police tries to catch him but he plays with them a rat and cat game. Sonia! A teenage prostitute, who is compelled to do accept this dirty business, enters into his life and he fell in love with her. Later he accepts before her that he has murdered not only old landlady but also her sister. The life of Dostovesky has intoxicated me. He was arrested by Russian Government and was to shoot. Just before shooting he was released and for whole life the shadow of death covered his unconscious mind. Later he was appointed the adviser of Russian Government secretly and the main conspirator of king's murder was arrested in his house. I want to read Dostovesky's all works. I am highly interested in Russian History.
21 May
Today I met the painter girl. She was still angry with me. She told me that I was the most cruel person under the sky. She wanted to have a dinner with me, but I had no money in my pocket and I told about it to her. She realized that I was not only a wicked person but a cunning too. I asked her to lend me some money if she wanted to have a dinner with me. She was agree and both of us went to a nearby hotel. She was a non-vegetarian. After dinner she said that she wanted to see my Omen. I warned her, but she smiled and kissed me gently. Then both of us came back to Omen. She closed the door and came near to me. Again I saw the tears in her eyes. she told in a deep voice, ''Do you know? I cannot be a mother. I have some problem. Doctors have declared that I have lost the maternity power.'' I took her face in my hands and said gently, ''No matter, if you love me, I am ready to marry with you.''
''But you don't earn!'' she said.
''What do you mean by I do not earn?,'' I do not understand her words.
''Marriage is a responsibility while love is free. I love you, but I know you cannot be a good husband. My father is searching a suitable boy for me,''
'' I don't understand you. Sometimes you say that you have lost your maternity power and sometimes you say that your father is searching a suitable boy for you.''
''Why do you want to understand a woman while a woman does not understand herself? You do whatever I say.''
I was in state of bewilderment, so I said her politely to go to her home. Before leaving the place she hold me in her arms and kiss my lips gently. Still I am feeling her existence, and still I am confused about her character. To me, a woman is always a mystery, and so why I attract to a woman. Will I solve this mystery ever?
Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.
11 May
Today, in Pokhran Indian has tested its nuclear strength. The whole city is talking about it. I am very much depressed to listen the news. Arms-race is against humanity. The world does not need it, then why arms are being made all around, Why ? Why ?? and Why ??? OH ! My whole body is crumbling. It is 11 pm. I go to the bank of The Ganges. The dark sky spreads all around the river.Some fishersmen are sleeping on the sand. I sit and see the current of the river and try to understand the effect of the explosion. Will this explosion affect my lovely river anyway? If yes, all the policy makers must be removed. I opened my shoes, jeans and shirt and enter into the river and swim nearly half kilometer. Now I am in the middle of the river, feeling the excitement of the clod water. I just go deep and deep. And when I try to turn back, the current of the water pushes me away. Even I am unable to see the banks of the river, because all around there is a darkness. I see, some fire far away, and I try to swim in that direction. After half an hour, I come to the bank. It is a crematorium place. The fire is just coming from a burning dead body. I get there no one. I feel some coldness and sit besides the fire. I think deeply about the man's body that is burning before my eyes and the warm fire. What is death? Why we all are mad behind more and more power. King Harish Chandra was working in a crematorium, because he had donated everything, his wife ,his son and even himself, because he was a man of words.
Oh know I have to leave the place. But I have lost my all article, I have only one underwear over my body. I leave the place and move slowly to my Omen. I walk…walk… and walk. After two hours I come to my Omen. Outside Omen I have a hearty bath and then enter into it. I am naked, I do not want anything….I just want to write, write and write…and I am writing. My flowing words give me pleasures.
12 May
Today I have seen an advertisement of a college of Mass communication. I think I should take admission in it. Applications are being invited and I am going to apply for a seat. It will give me an opportunity to make my carrier in field of journalism. But I have to submit a draft of five hundred rupees. Now I have no money, anyhow I have to manage it. Let me think of it seriously. A journalist can serve the society through his writings.
13 May
Is it the heinous crime of my life? I know it is against law. Today I proposed the black girl's younger. She broke down to me and started weeping. I tried my level best to console her but she did not stop. When I said her that I was not serious about it, it was just a fun, she became furious and told me,'' you are older than me, so why I was hesitating to enter in your life. I always love you, I do not know what you want to me, but I will sacrifice my life for you.'' In fact I am afraid to see her passion and devotion. Somewhere I am feeling myself caged to indulge with her, but somewhere I am highly fascinated with her innocent love. She is too young, only thirteen years. Should I go ahead? I am little confused regarding her. She has promised to meet me soon, and with a little hesitation I am waiting for her. But I won't meet her, it would be better for both of us.
15 May
What a girl she is ! I am very much surprised. Today she has given me ''The Kamsutra'' by Vatsayan and asked me to read it thoroughly. It is a fascinating book, sexuality has been dealt in it very keenly. In this book the structures of women bodies has been explored according to the geographical condition of the country. I do not know these facts are scientific or not, but it has created my curiosity in women's bodies. Whenever and wherever I meet a woman, I watch her body very keenly in order to match it with the description of the book. Somewhere I am afraid of the little girl, she knows more about the adult's life and is very much interested to discuss with me. Let me read the book.
16 May
I do not understand the chemistry of woman and a man. Since Yesterday night I have been reading ''The Kamsutra.'' A lot of funny things have been written in this book, like how you choose your woman, how you communicate your self to her, how you understand her body language, how you know her ideas about yourself, how you use her closest friend to express yourself before her. In this book sixteen kinds of kiss and 64 positions have been mentioned. The little girl is a devil, I have to change my way. Certainly I have to change my way. Vatsayan is a hell! But it has created my curiosity in the love life man and woman. Let me change this book, otherwise it will make my mind dirty.
17 May
I am reading a book ''Lenin in London.'' Lenin was the most wanted person in Russia. He went to London with Krupskaya and preparing for the Russian revolution. There he would spent most of his time in National Library reading the ''Das Capital'' by Karl Marx and making notes. He was dead determined for the Russian revolution. Krupskaya was a teacher. She would love Lenin. She was very much supportive to Lenin. She was regularly corresponding with revolutionary leaders of Russia on behalf of Lenin. She was taking care not only of Lenin but also of his revolutionary activities. I am highly fascinated with krupskaya. In fact I fell in love with her. Is there any krupskaya for me? I want a lady like kurpskaya, will I get it? I do not think so. I have read an interesting story regarding Lenin. It is written by a secret agent of British Government. According to the story, he got an information that a meeting of Russian revolutionary leaders was to be held in a hotel. He went to the hotel and met the manager and asked him to provide a place so that he could listen the speech of all Russian leaders. Manager locked him in a cupboard where the meeting was to be held. When the meeting started he listen all speeches. After listening the speech of Lenin he was horrified, although he did not see his face. Latter he reported, ''Lenin is very confident about the revolution in Russia and what he has in mind is very dangerous for both Russia as well as the World.''
18 May
I went to the art college of the city to find out more and more details about the old painter. Once he was the principal of this art college. I met one of his old friends who remembered the old painter with his many good acts. But I felt that he was in a stress. Later I knew that a dog fighting was going on for the authority of the art college. Some students had been kicked off from the hostel. Naturally I took interest in all the matter and became very sad about the present condition of this art college. For a little while, I had been captured by the goons of the college authority. They are bad people and I hate them. Now I have to write all the details of the old painter and have to send it to the lady boss.
19 May
I have just finished ''Crime and punishment'' by Dostovesky. It depicts very well about the poverty of Russian. The psychology of the protagonist has been written in a very keen manner. He plans to kill the old landlady and he is very much confident that he is going to do a great work like Nepolian Bonapart as he is liberating the poor masses from the clutches of the old landlady. The Russian police tries to catch him but he plays with them a rat and cat game. Sonia! A teenage prostitute, who is compelled to do accept this dirty business, enters into his life and he fell in love with her. Later he accepts before her that he has murdered not only old landlady but also her sister. The life of Dostovesky has intoxicated me. He was arrested by Russian Government and was to shoot. Just before shooting he was released and for whole life the shadow of death covered his unconscious mind. Later he was appointed the adviser of Russian Government secretly and the main conspirator of king's murder was arrested in his house. I want to read Dostovesky's all works. I am highly interested in Russian History.
21 May
Today I met the painter girl. She was still angry with me. She told me that I was the most cruel person under the sky. She wanted to have a dinner with me, but I had no money in my pocket and I told about it to her. She realized that I was not only a wicked person but a cunning too. I asked her to lend me some money if she wanted to have a dinner with me. She was agree and both of us went to a nearby hotel. She was a non-vegetarian. After dinner she said that she wanted to see my Omen. I warned her, but she smiled and kissed me gently. Then both of us came back to Omen. She closed the door and came near to me. Again I saw the tears in her eyes. she told in a deep voice, ''Do you know? I cannot be a mother. I have some problem. Doctors have declared that I have lost the maternity power.'' I took her face in my hands and said gently, ''No matter, if you love me, I am ready to marry with you.''
''But you don't earn!'' she said.
''What do you mean by I do not earn?,'' I do not understand her words.
''Marriage is a responsibility while love is free. I love you, but I know you cannot be a good husband. My father is searching a suitable boy for me,''
'' I don't understand you. Sometimes you say that you have lost your maternity power and sometimes you say that your father is searching a suitable boy for you.''
''Why do you want to understand a woman while a woman does not understand herself? You do whatever I say.''
I was in state of bewilderment, so I said her politely to go to her home. Before leaving the place she hold me in her arms and kiss my lips gently. Still I am feeling her existence, and still I am confused about her character. To me, a woman is always a mystery, and so why I attract to a woman. Will I solve this mystery ever?
Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.
8 comments:
Alok,
I like how this feels honest. It is interesting to weave your thoughts on the world with the private developments of your life. They are connected. I loved the swimming in the cold river and warming by a funeral fire. That is a very poetic image and seems important to me. Like a spiritual journey. Your cold, wet and living body is being warmed by the hot flames from a dead body. Jung talks about water imagery being the expression of the unconscious. It is interesting...I can't put my finger on exactly why.
So much of what is just beneath the surface is difficult to see. I think it takes practice. I've been working with children teaching art. I want them to start discovering their creative mind. It is an important tool. Today I told them that I had planted a package of magical seeds and from those seeds grew a magical garden. But only children could see the flowers, adults had lost the ability to see. They liked that. I asked them to paint the garden so I could see it too. I hope on some level they will understand that children understand poetry and art already, it is adults that need to be re-taught.
Thanks for the wonderful entertainment. I'm enjoying our discussions. I like the dedication to a nightingale. I'm still not finding time to do more images. It will be hard to find for the next while.
Lara
lara ! I am just exploring my mind,and the credit goes to you.Do you know who is this nightanle? Well, I like your comments very much...Yes water has a lot of meaning, I am trying my level best to use symblics. Symbolics do not say all the things but just lead you in different ways.
You are doing a great job, teaching the students to dicover the creativity. May I know the age-gruop your students? In fact I know nothing about the education system of your state. Tell me something more about your students.Writing this diary is a great experience to me. I never thought about it.
Sometimes I think to sit in your class as a little child and learns according to you instruction. Is it possible? Earlier I had tried my hands in sketching, but it was horrible. Can you give me some tips how to start sketching. Just think that I am four years old and know nothing about sketching. I see my Mother, my Father and a two years old brohter..I want to sketch them...tell me how to start...even I do not know the about the equipment...so please give a list of equipment, I will tell my father to bring them all. I hope you understand me and guide me in this regard...never forget that you are going to teach a four years old boy...change it...not four years boy but just a four years girl...accept me as your girl student....otherwise I will cry...take it seriously. Now you are my Masterni ji (teacher).
wainting for your
alok nandan
Alok,
I don't have a lot of time this morning but I'd be happy to give you a first lesson. :) Get yourself a pad of paper and pen/pencil and don't worry about drawing realism just yet. Just start doodling. Have fun with it, make sure you are not trying to draw, you are just allowing yourself to play. Like a four year old girl...you made me laugh.
Maybe you can decorate the borders of your pages while you write. Imagine you are illuminating your manuscript like some medival monk decorating his bible.
Have a great day,
Lara
The name of the four years is Tara (star), okey ! Now listen what Tara says: Masterni ji (teacher)Thank you very much for your first lession. I am going to tell my papa, he will surely bring me all the materials. I will do this exercise and then will tell you.
Lara! Yor are excellent! For last eight years I have been thinking very deeply about the The old testament and the new testament. You are to think I have gone mad, but I am going to tell you the real feeling, if it is a feeling, I have met Jesus. I feel it, but latter I see a torn page of a bible. I was highly surprised, and even today I am highly surprised. Sometime I think it is just a co-incidence, I feel it and a torn page I got on the road. Is there any angle possible of this real story. Iwant to listen your words...May be at that I was in a state of hallucination. The question areses here , What is hallucination. Is hallucinaton a common charateristic of a man? or it releated with any other world....eight years ago in a state of hallucination I would make a whole creature Who would lead the world to glory. And I have made that creature again and agin.You just do not think that I am an unscientific man. I just want to satisfy myself accordidng to the all braches of knoledge. Since You have asked me to decorate the Bible, I am asking you, above all it is releated with sketching. And your are excellent in both ways technically and theoretically. Belive me in my words,and please open your mind regarding this mystery. And please do not say no!
alok
Alok,
I have had an exhausting day and I've had too much wine, so this may likely be a jumbled mess. I find religion to be a fascinating topic. I don't believe in any particular religion now, I used to but I don't any more.
Jesus was a revolutionary figure like others who have come and gone. And I enjoy reading the New Testament. But I don't worry about it being a divine text. It is more poetic then literal any way. I think Christianity has become something quite different from Jesus taught. He was a radical who wouldn't support institutionalized religion. I think he was a humanist. Oh...I've had too much to drink and I'm sleepy.
I thought your dedication to a nightingale was lovely. And I wondered if it might have some connection to Larabird. :) I'd like to think that is so.
I'll write more later. I read your latest installment. I laughed out loud when I read the part about you taking over the class! What a picture you painted. You make me laugh.
Keep up the good work,
Lara
How much you can consume? I enjoyed your words, specilly the drunken words. Do you believe in astrology?
Hello again,
I like astrology, I find most everything interesting really. My mother follows astrology carefully so I grew up learning about it. I'm always surprised that it makes sense. I am truly a Picese.
I can only drink a glass of or two of wine before I'm too silly to go on.
:) Lara
You are a picese, it means you are a water creature. As truly picese you love fun, specially tricky fun. your body vibration is positive,and most attracitng parts of your body are your eyes...I am sure...you like moving here and there...I do not know the method of american astrology...I think Inida is very rich in this field. Have you ever read or listen of the red book. It is the most authentic book of Indian occult science.Do you believe in occult science? Without thinking you just tell me the name of one flower. You drink very little...now it made me laugh...Do you know how much I dirnk...I can continously drink a week regularly...Now a days I am loaded with works so why I do not get opportunity to drink. I do not belive in one peg or two peg...I drink like a tanker. I have a group of hard drunkers, and do you know I have been given the crown of great drunker.
To you is there any sense of these words? Hey, Lara! Do not try to find out any sense in my words...because I do not know about culture of civilized world...Anyway, I am a leo...You swim in deep water and I move on the earth without fear...
I love your words most...waiting for more
alok nadna
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