Some pages of a torn-diary (part -23)

by Alok nandna Dedicated to a Nightingale
14 October
I am very sad in my Omen. Now I have no objects, no dream, no action…I am alone, complete alone. I am reading ''Father Sergei'' by Leo Tolostoy and the aloneness of Segei has occupied my mind. I am sinking deep with his mind. The angry young man converts into a monk when he sees that her beloved was in love with the king of Russia whom he regarded most and spends a self-secluded life. His devotion to that woman converts to the Jesus. When another woman comes to him and tries to change his mind he bursts out after a little curtsy. Oh! Sergei is a man of passion, devotion and moral. I think I am in love with this character. But I am not a moral man. I always think about the Lady Chatterly, I have gone through the poetess breast and then through the little girl. I am man full of sins, I realize it after reading Sergei life. But what can I do, if I have done all these sinful acts? Really these are the sinful acts? No, no these acts cannot be sinful. It satisfy me and my partners, so how its can be sinful? Srgie was an extremist person, when he loves; he loves passionately, when he converts to Jesus; he converts completely. He does not know the middle ways. Lord Budha too is extremist but he preaches about middle ways. I am sinking deep into the world of sorrow. What is love; what is morality and what is marriage ? Again these questions are haunting in my mind. I am very sorry for my lady Chatterly. Why she is leading a sad life and what is the remedy of it? I am not a good leader. I have cheated all those youths who are behind me. What is politics? I am not an honest man. I good for nothing. Perhaps the phase of depression has started, I need help, I need help, I need help? But who will help me? And what kind of help I want? Am I weak man? Or all man are weak like me? It is said that man is the creation of God, what he acts, he acts instead of God. If I kiss the all those girls and be happy, do I not do the God's work? If I do the God work, why my acts will be called sin? My father is asking me to marry a beautiful girl, without marriage can I not enjoy more women? God has made only man and woman, and he creates love between man and woman; he has never said a single world about marriage. Why my father tells me, first love and then marriage. I know my father loves my mother too much. He has written countless poetry for her and she has burnt them all. It is an extreme act of my mother, why? She loves my father very well, I know it, but she does not know how to love or how to express her love in a gentle way, and here tragedy of marriage starts. Love must be understanding in marriage. My father and mother has lost this basic understanding of love life and so they are barking to each-other. Oh! What I am thinking? and what I am writing ? Should I write these for my father and mother? I do not think they are my father and mother, I think two same poles of two different magnets have been combined forcefully through the powers of marriage. Is not it a tragic of a jock. I am trying to recall to my father words, ''Go to a prostitution house, and do not eat my head, If I were a immoral man, undoubtedly I would go to a prostitution house. This bloody prostitute has made my life hell.'' Yes! I have recalled his evergreen words that he would use for my evergreen mother. She was a beautiful woman, marvelously beautiful woman. She knew only one thing how to make my father's life an alive hell. And she was very much expert in this art, she was more prefect than Leo Nardo Di Vinchi. My mind is a hell. It is sinking deep into sorrow. I knew that that I was going to encounter with a fit of frustration. I did not know where the Russian campign was leading to me. An adventure was waiting for me ahead. Why my father stopped me for this adventure while he was always busy with adventurous acts. I know he would not mind to shoot me for the sake of this government. I have seen him shooting many times. I was always ready to use his arm and he would always says,''Never use it against man. Now whatever you like you do with it.'' Once I tired to shoot him, and was caught by this wild man.'' He snatched the Government Revolver from my hand and put it over my forehead and roared, ''You are Leo and never try to eat a Leo, specially the bigger Leo, otherwise it will eat you. Why did want to kill me, kids? ''
'' You abuses my mother.''
''Oh, it is a big crime, and so why you are killing me! Ok sorry! I will not abuse your mother, but go and tell her do not to eat my ahead.''
''I will break your mind today. Are you ready for it? ''
''You will kill me? ''
''Undoubtedly, you have tried to kill a government sarvent, Who is on duty. And it has been written in my service that whoever try to kill you, kill him then and there.
''I want to drink a beer with you, before this killing.''
''You are my son, so I will fulfill your last desire,'' he said after a deep thought. ''What you want to drink ?
''A Beer, '' Looking straight into his eyes.
''You are under my cover. If you move, I will not mind to shoot you in public. And of course, it will not be good for public. I cannot act against public interest. Perhaps I have some bottles beer in my jeep, You follow me. But again I warn you, do not try to flee away. Your fate has been written today…..

Let me change the format…..I am going to use script format….
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 1
Characters : Father and the son
Ext/evening/ in a forest
(The father is thirty six years old, while the child is sixteen years old. The son is walking ahead, and the father is behind him. The son is thinking deep to come out of the clutches of his father who is determined to kill him. The father is in very easy mood. The son is in jeans and shirt - blue jeans and black shirt, But the most remarkable feature of the son is his rain shoes, that is used in forest. The father costume is just like an Indian officer, court, paint, tie, watch and a revolver in his waist-belt.
The son
(He stops and looks to his father, who is coming behind him)
Father! What is death?

(The father took our his revolver and shoot a forest bird)

Father
(Looking to the dying bird)
Pick it up. It will be good for food.
(The son looks his father and tries to read the mind of his father, and then picks up the bird. Father went ahead and the son follows him)
Cut to

Scene 2

Characters : Father and the son
Ext/evening/ in a forest
(The father is going ahead and the son is following him with the dead bird. He tries to come to his father who is walking fast in the forest.'

The son
(Trying to understand the mood of his father)
We are going to celebrate a good party, tonight.
Father
(In a easy manner)
Yes, for the sake of a son death…You just go and search some good dry woods…I prepare this bird…Never forget I can shoot six miles from this rifle. (Looking to his rifle that is in the jeep.)

The son
(putting the dead bird on the jeep)
Let me have some beer first.
(The father picks out a bottle of beer from a cartoon and opens it with his teeth and gulps two rounds and jumps it to the son)
Move fast.
(The son drinks half of the bottle in one breathe and looks to the forest)
Give me the rifle, I can fame wild animals…after all it is a forest.
The father
Do not worry. No animal can eat you…your death has been selected. It is I who will kill you, not animals. No move fast, the son of your mother.

The son
(Looking to his father eyes) Are you going to kill me?

The father
It has been written in my service book….You tried to kill me and morally bound to kill you…Now move fast..
(The son goes away) Never go beyond my eyes… Better you recite some poetries…I want to here your sound…Now let me finish my work.
The son
What poetry father?
The Father
Whatever you like, I have touched you a lot of poetries earlier.
The son

My father is great
He likes beer and cake
The father
Stop it. Is it a poetry.
The son
I have just composed it, it not good?
The father
(with anger) No, it is not good. Recite some other poetry.
The son
You cannot compel me to recite another poetry…I am not your slave…You have arrested me, it all ok, You just treat me like a war prisoner…after all I have tried to kill a government officer..
The son
(Thinking something and picking up the bird)
Agreed, I will treat you like a war prisoner, after all you are going to die.
(The son looks at the father with pride of a war prisoner and goes away, the father pick up the dead bird and cut its throat with the knife )
---- Cut to

Just enjoy it as a movie

Some pages of a torn-diary (part -22)

by Alok nandna Dedicated to a Nightingale
October 9
It is a hectic day and interesting day. The news of Russian campaign has spread all around the city. Today a lot of people came to meet me. They were asking more and more about this campaign. Again I have an entered into an active life. More than fifty people went to the local passport office and brought more than hundred passport forms. Very carefully I have selected some young men to deal those visitors. I have made a special group that is watching very keenly all the political development of Russia. According to their report the old KGB officer and present president of Russian is going to win the election. I am also convinced with them but I have fixed the target, I want to establish myself as a leader of an international vision, and provoke our people to think internationally. Everything is going very well. A leader should never disclose his whole mind before his followers, a secret goal is the strength of a leader.

October 10
Beyond imagination, a group of young people came to meet me far from a remote areas. They had listened about me a lot, and wanted to meet me. In fact they were very eager to join me. I had no any banner but I assured them very soon I was going to form a political party. They told me that all the young people of that area wanted to listen me, if I gave him my time, they would manage a big public meeting there. Really it was a good news for me, my ideas and words were spreading from mouth to mouth in the air. But I did a little mistake here, I could not think about the government's secret agents. They were watching my activity keenly, they were trying to enter into my inner organization. I realized it when all the documents regarding this Russian campaign had been stolen for one day, and latter I found those documents at the same place. I consulted all the loyal members of my team but could not get a satisfactory answer. First time I was encountering with the secrets agents. Very soon I realized that my Omen was under surveillance. Even my all activities were being watched. I have entered into a dangerous game, let me play it skillfully.

11 October
For last some days I have been trying my level best to consult the ultra nationalist leader and its party through net. When my followers ask me about it I say,'' Do not worry, I am in constant touch with that leader and his people. We are going to enter into Russia very soon.'' They believe in my words. A leader can never be honest.
Leading and honesty are two poles apart. I am telling lie because I do not want to loose the faith of my followers. But still I am under pressure, because I have no connectivity with the ultra-nationalist leader.
Today some young girls also came to meet me. They asked me a lot of questions regarding national and international politics, I tried my level best to satisfy them. They wanted to go with me to Russia.

12 October
I was sleeping in my Omen. It was late night. Suddenly I felt that someone entered into my Omen. As soon as I tried to get up, that man asked in a harsh voice, ''Friend!''
''Friend!,'' I recognized the voice, it was the voice of my father. He would always used this word when he was on duty.
''Father! It is you ?'' I said.
''No father, I am on my duty. Let me talk to you as an officer. What you are doing? ''
''What I am doing! What do mean by these words?''
''You are being discussed very keenly in the secret agents' world. Do you know the consequence of it? You can be arrested anytime. All the officers are very much interested what is going on in your mind. And today I have been sent here to talk to you. You do not think I am your father, just let me read your mind. Now tell me about your Russian campaign.''
''Let me put on the light,'' I said and tried to get up again.
'No light. We will talk in darkness.'


'Your department knows that you are my father?' I asked, getting up.
'The department has the record of your whole life, since your childhood till now. It does not want to harm you, it is only interested in your mind. It seems that your are going to disturb the peaceful life of the citizens and it is not good. So tell me everything very clearly.'
''But father! You are not responsible for my act, India is a democratic country, and here every one has right to say his words peacefully.''
''Peacefully! Then why you are hanging the picture of Adolf Hilter in this hut?''
''Have you seen it?''
''No, I have read it in the record book of our department. Why you are hanging this bloody killer in this hut?, It is a sign of disturbance,'' he said angrily.
''It just give me strength to lead the people. ''
''He has done a crime against humanity! No government under the sky will tolerate the rise of Nazism. Indian is a democratic country, what do you think? Will it allow you to praise Hitler and Nazism? No, Never, not at all.''
''But I do not believe in all the democratic leaders of this country. What they have done? Nothing…nothing and nothing. ''
''I have not come here for a political discussion. I have been asked to know about your plan regarding Russian campaign, and all the hell that is going on in your mind. You want to throw away the democratic government? Such type of extreme ideas will be crushed at any cost. You do not know the power of government, '' he said, sitting on a chair.
''You are threatening me?''
''No, I am trying to save you from destruction. All the secret organizations of the world are taking interest in you. They are trying to cover you. You are an energetic boy and has a revolutionary temper, so you can be misguided and used easily. You just stop yourself. It is my request. I know every one has its own destination, but my son do not choose the way that will lead you to destruction. Now I will not ask what is in your mind. But it has been a proven truth that ultra nationalism is not good for humanity.
''Ok father, I am going to stop this campaign. I was just experimenting with my ideas. I do not want to harm any one,'' I said politely.
''Now you have become young! And I think you are enjoying your Omen too much. How are your girls friends?,'' he asked.
''Girl friends !''
''My department has all the records of those persons who are coming in your Omen. I can understand it that my son has become young. You are enjoying beer and Bodaka too much. Would you not offer it to your father? Leave it, as it is too late, '' he said and laughed.
''Father for a long time I am thinking of a woman. Would you mind to help me in this regard?,'' I asked hesitating.
''You are young now, so you help yourself in this regard. Better you think about marriage. No arrange marriage, first love some a beautiful intelligent girl and think to marry with her…a bad life partner can make your life hell. Always remember it. It is the universal truth. I tried my level best to give you good education, and then allowed you to lead your life according to your own ways, now time has come for you to select a good life life partner. I was married with your mother when I was only eleven years old. It was an arrange marriage. Till now she could not understand me. She sings her own song and I recite my own poetry. In spite of it we are living together since marriage. It is Indian and here marriage is considered God's will. But with little skill you can manage a happy life with selecting a good partner,'' he said.
''Now I am not in mood to marry with any one. I earning nothing. How can I manage a happy life? ''
''You want a job?''
''Not now.''
''Then enjoy your life…Now I will go. I hope you will keep yourself away from any unwanted public work.''
''I will try.''
When my father went away in the darkness, I stood up and put on the light. On the ground I saw the foot print of his boots.
''Father although I am going to stop my Russian campaign, I will not follow you footprints. I will fight against the Mobocrecy,'' I mumbled and turned to the portrait of Adolf Hitler.'' Hitler! like you I cannot go against the will of my father. But do not worry I will change my strategy soon. Now let me face my followers. ''


13 October
When I declared that the Russian campaign had been postponed, all the youths related to this mission was disappointed, but no one dared to ask me the reason. I said them that Russian Government was not ready to accept us as political workers in his country. The ultra-nationalist leader had tried his best to convince the government, but we were not allowed. They were satisfied with my words and I realized that I was able to control the mind of youths in lucid manner.
But at the same times a mixed reaction came from every walk of life. I was one the most comic person in the city for some people. They were laughing over me and my Russian campaign. I felt that in spite of not getting my target, I was very near to success as it was I who was being discussed all around political circles…Laughing was no matter to me. World ! Laugh, laugh over, the time will come when I will laugh over you.

Some pages of a torn-diary (part -21)

by Alok nandna Dedicated to a Nightingale
October 7
An ultranationalist Russian leader is in news, and his acts are attracting me. In the canteen of Duma he has beaten the lady information of broadcasting Minister. When a woman journalist went to him for his comments he said her to copulate with his bodyguards if she wanted his answer. He is talking about the glory of Russia and wants to unify the old USSR. I am reading his news very carefully. He is going to fight the Presidential election of Russia.
Today I met a young Indian boy who is doing medical course in Russia and asked,'' Tell me something about this ultranationalist leader.''
''Oh! he is a demagogue. I have not seen him but all the young generation is mad behind him. In all public meetings he collects good gathering but common people are not taking him seriously, he is a mad.''
I am thinking deeply how to use him in the Indian context. In fact I am fade with my routine life and again I want an active political activity. Through net I am thinking to communicate with this ultranationalist leader and his party.
The history of Russia always attracts me a lot, specially the life of Lenin and the glory of USSR. Now the USSR has been demolished, and a new Russia has emerged. When I was a school- going student I would listen about USSR. I can recall the day with my father in an Indian dock. He was invited by a ship captain and he asked me to come with him. When we jumped on the ship the captain of the ship welcomed us. I was only six years old and I enjoyed this new world very much. The ship would carry the goods from Indian to Russia. When my father asked him, ''Is USSR really a super power?'' He said in a irritating tone, ''We are providing them foods, they are busy in making more and more arms. When our ship approaches the port of Russia, people come like hungry dog…What the hell is going there, only God knows.'' At that time I was unable to understand the meaning of this conversation, but the words printed in my memory for ever. Latter I came in contact with Russia through my text books, and certainly it attracted me. I was very young when the disintegration of USSR started, I could be seen with a pocket radio in locality listening the news of disintegration of the giant.
Now I am thinking to take advantages of the ultra nationalist leader. I am very serious about it.


October 7
The lady Chatterly' lover, after coming back, came to me. He was in mood to talk to me a lot, and I, too, was in mood to listen him, although I was avoiding him. I did not want to show my eagerness.
''You know, she is a very kind hearted woman. I stayed with her in her new flat. She instructed me not move in the city. We loved each-other. But very soon she realized that I was unable to understand the meaning of her words. She was very much fluent in English, she would speak like an English Goddess. If I were able to understand her all words,'' he said in one breath. With his words I was moving in the world of imagination with the Lady Chattery. Oh! really I was in love with her. In fact I was in search of such a woman for ages. A woman of letters ! Oh she could express herself in many ways, and I was sure all her ways would be lovely and touchy.
He told me enthusiastically,'' she is a good singer and dancer. She was singing whole night for me but again I was unable to understand song as she singing in English. I was just watching her eyes, her lips movements. She was very happy. But when she realized that I was not understanding her songs, she became sad again and said to me, 'on the earth no man can understand. No man is able to read me and the chapter of my life. You are also among them. I am fade with man like you.' Now I want to learn English and you will have to help me in this regard.''
''English! you must learn, if you want her,'' I said and suggested him some books to go through. He wrote down the names of those books and went away and again I started to think about her. She had landed very deep into my heart.

October 8
Today I went to the English spoken Institute and delivered a special lecture on Russian people and politics. Again and again I mentioned the name and acts of the ultra national of Russia. I realized that the young students were very much interested that particular leader. I told them that I had a plan to go to Russia for this ultra nationalist leader. He was going to fight the presidential election of Russia, and I wanted a team that could support him. In fact this team would enter into Russia and for him. Most of the young students were ready to go to Russian with me. I asked them to make their passport. Now a new adventure has started. I am trying my level best to fly Russia with a team. I am reading more and more about the Russian election and activities of ultra nationalist leader.
Today I also met the black girl. When I was alone in the class room, she came to me and started weeping. For a little while I could not understand what was going on before me. Latter she told me that again she had not been selected for the medical college. I tried my level best to console her. But tears were still flowing from her eyes. She told, ''Now I have lost my confidence. I cannot get success in my life. I had only one dream to be doctor. Oh, my dream has shattered. What is the use of life without dream.''
First time in my life I realized the importance of open-eyes' dream. Dream is the best source of life force, it was the dream that was leading Alexander the great, it was the dream that leading Napolian Bonapart and it was the dream that was leading Adolf Hitler. If you want to understand a person, ask about his open-eyes' dream.

October 9
The black's younger came to my Omen when I was busy with a newspaper report about Russian election. ''Am I disturbing you?,'' She asked in a low tone.
''No, not at all, I am reading a report. Have you read about Russian Revolution?,'' I asked.
''Yes, in text book. I think it was a bloody revolution, a lot of people had been killed there. I never like blood bath,'' I asked. ''Why are you standing, just take your place. What do you like? ''
''I love romantic story. Have you read Shekhar: ek jivani (Sekhar: a life story) by Ageye. It is fantastic book. Do you know young Shekhar loves one of his relatives sister. Oh! it is wonderful book. I have bought this book for you.'' She opened her bag and took out the book and gave me. When I turned the first page, I saw the writer's signature.
''It is a real signature? ''
''Yes, the writer has gifted the book to my father. You can read it…I always think about Shekhar. He is a fantastic character…I am sure you will love him. Just go through this book.
''I will read it latter. You know I am working over a Russian project.''
''My sister was saying something about it, but I could not understand. Let me know what you are doing, I mean what is your project?,'' she said, sitting besides me and felt a different smell of a female body.
''I am going to Russia with a team. I want to take part in a political campaign for an ultra nationalist leader,'' I turned the newspaper away and looked at her face. Over her forehead there was a cut sign.
''What are you looking,'' she said.
''This cut sign. What is the history of this sign?''
''Oh! I was trying to learn how to ride a bicycle and fell down on the road. It does not look good.''
''Certainly, it looks good.''
''Have you met any elder girl?''
'' Elder girl?''
''Yes, you told me earlier that after having experience with an elder girl you will love me,'' She said honestly.
''Yes! Yes. Some days ago I met a girl, and tried to get experience but …
''What but…?''
''She wanted to make me tame…Do you understand the meaning of tame?''
''No…just tell me''
''tame means like a dog…she wanted to make me a dog,''
''Just tell me the whole story,'' she requested. I told her the whole story very honestly as far as possible.
''You should have gone ahead, I am sure no can make you tame. I wont make you tame, would you like to repeat that process with me,'' she pronounced softly. ''In fact I want to feel myself, many time I have touched my breast and it is pleasant. But I want your hands.''
''I have already told you that you are too little to this act. ''
''Why do you think so? Just try it, if I feel uncomfortable, I will stop you, at least you can touch the breast, '' she said softly and I could not stop myself.
Very tenderly I took up in my hands and she laughed like a budding flower.
''Let me smell you first, I am sure like all woman every man has a special scent.
''First let me see your breast…''
''You do it..'' She told and laughed.
Very gently I put her down and uncovered her small breast and touching them I said, ''These are too small. You are just a developing girl. And I tell you frankly that I do not have the wild desire for you.''
''I know it, so why I love you…how can I make them big? '', she said politely.
''You have to eat vegetables and fruits…Now you are under age. You are growing girl, gradually its develop. But you must be careful of your diet,'' I suggested her, watching them carefully. When I hold her both nipples in my fingers, she smiled and said, '' These are for my child. One day I will be mother of two children and I will feed them. Can you feed now?''
''I you want I will do it, but just stop me when you feel uncomfortable,'' I was careful.
''Sure! You do not worry''
I took her one of the nipples in my mouth and very slowly started sucking it. She closed her eyes and hold my head very near to her heart. I was watching the expression of her black face very keenly, It seemed that she had almost lost herself somewhere. Very softly she shifted my mouth to the other nipple, her eyes were still closed. I was continued more than fifteen minutes.
''Oh, it is wonderful! ''She exclaimed with joy.''Now just stop.''
''I think it enough for today, '' I said, again touching her nipple.
''Yes! Yes!! I am novice. ''
''So why I am taking care of you. I do not want to fill your mind with an unpleasant experience.
''Relax, I wont hurt you.''
''I know, I know…Oh, it wonderful…really today I realized the miracle of my breast…Do you believe in astrology?, '' She said, closing her small breast.
''I do not understand the complex terms of astrology…And it seems me very unscientific…'' I said.
''You cannot say it…it is wonderful…And if you follow it, certainly you will be benefited. It is proved knowledge…,'' She protested in her soft words.
''Would you mind to tell me something about it?,'' I was eager to know about it.
''It is very easy, I have finished a lot of astrological books…First you have to understand the concept of time, then the planets and their significance , Zodiac sighs…Birth chart is very important in astrology…You have to understand the house and how to interpret a birth chart, ..then planets and its sighs ..remedies for malefic planets …Annual chart and moon chart…You want to learn it….I hope I can you help you lot…'' she said enthusiastically in one breath, and I was looking to her surprisingly.
''You have read a lot of astrology, but you seems too small for this kind of knowledge,'' I said and kissed her lips gently, in turn she kissed me.
''You know I am not a beautiful girl, All the students of my class would laugh over me…she would tell me black girl…and always asked me to do black magic…I knew nothing about black magic, but I started reading books related with magic. Then I came in contact with astrology…it fascinated me a lot…Very soon I became a good interpreter of birth chart…Do you have your birth chart?'' she said, kissing my hands and feet. I was very much surprised to see the knowledge this little girl.
''All the students knew about your astrological knowledge?''
''Very much, even the principal and mistress of the school were consulting with me for their astrological problems…Sometimes my father's friends too ask for my advise…Do you have your birth chart…''
''No, my father would not believe in astrology, so he always avoided to make my birth chart.''
''Do not worry, I will make it for you. Tell me your date of birth, place and the year…''
''But I do not believe in astrology,''
''No issue, but let me do my work…And I am sure you will be benefited''
''I born twenty four hours after Napolian Bonapart…You find out his birth date…and you will find out my birth date….now I cannot say anything about it,'' I said firmly.
''You are Leo! I am with a lion…oh! I love a Leo. You cannot be tamed…I love you without any condition…'', she told and jumped over me like a lizard. I hold her in my strong arms. I was very happy with that little girl. When she went away. I started thinking about her, but I realized I might be more happy with the lady Chatterly. Both of us could love like each-other like a complete man and a complete woman, physically as well as mentally. This little girl is not fit for a wild Leo like me. Yes she is not fit, not fit…Oh! Lady Chatterly I love you…I had not seen her but I was still mad behind her…was it love, passion or sex? I did not know, I did not know…I did not know. ''

Some pages of a torn-diary (part -20 b)

Alok nandna Dedicated to a Nightingale

6 October…continue
In the library when I was reading ''Far from the madding crowd'', round face girl came to me and asked,' what are you reading, Wrath?'' She snatched the book from my hands and glanced at the first page and then she looked to me and pronounced, '' far from reading the madding crowd' by Thomas Hardy! Oh, it is a nice book, I love this writer very much. Am I disturbing you?''
''No, not at all. In fact I was waiting for someone who could talk to me. You have come, it is good. Please take your seat.'' I was still arose; the milky body of the Muslim girl was still moving before my eyes; although I had read more than fifteen pages of the book. I glanced at her boobs and started thinking about them. If once sex enters into your mind it is hard to get rid off it.
'You always sit in the library, and read a lot,'' she said, sitting before me.
''Do not talk about books. I am fade up with books. Can you tell me something interesting thing that I have never heard or imagined?, '' I said in a low tone, reading her face.
''About myself ?''
''Whatever but it must be interesting, you know the meaning of interesting thing,'' I emphasized the word interesting.
'' I do not know what do you mean by interesting. You know I am the only one daughter of my parents, I have no sister and no brother. And I a Leo,'' she said.
''What is interesting in it ?''
''I always feel, I would have a brother.''
''You are going into wrong direction, you are a girl, a young girl, so you should talk about something romantic story.''
''An extremist is talking about romance. Surprising! Really it is surprising!" she exclaimed.
''You are joking?''
''No, I am not joking. All the students of the Institute know that you are an extremist. I like you boldness.''
''Really! One day you became angry when I was asking for a kiss, May I know why?''
''My best friend loves you, so morally I have no right to involve with you,'' she told softly.
''And immorally?''
''Very frank to you, I like you from the first day when you were teaching the history of journalism in the class room. That day, my best friend told me ''this boy is not standing among crowd.'' Latter I realized that she was in love with you, so I stopped myself.''
''It means you have started loving me?''
''You can say it.''
''Can I ask for a kiss again?''
She smiled and said, ''You want a friendly kill?''
''I think kiss is kiss, I do not know what is friendly kiss ?'' I said
''Ok let me think…'' she said and turned the pages of Far from the Madding crowd. She stopped on a particular page and stared me.
''What do you think about the Muslim girl?,'' Suddenly her tone changed.
''Muslim girl! Why are you asking it? ''
''I think she loves too much, she is giving you Far from the madding Crowd. Look here, she has written her name.''
When I saw the particular page, I got her name had been written in a stylish way.
''You know you are a cheater, at the same time you are playing with more than three girls. You go to hell with all your revolutionary ideas,'' she said angrily.
''What about friendly kiss?''
''You go to hell,'' she said and stood up.
''I will kiss you one day, darling! Remember my words,'' I said and laughed.
When she went away, I took up the book and mumbled, ''Hardy ! One day I will write about all these women who are playing their roles on the stage of my life. And certainly, they will be known as immortals characters in the world literature. You have depicted your era, it is my era, and I will represent my era more forcefully than you…You have gone away, let me lead the literature according to my own ways.'' The calm lover emerged before my eyes, when I read some more pages of the Madding Crowd, I felt the devotion of the calm lover. What attracted the protagonist in that beautiful lady? Her sounds, her face, her eyes, her lips, her boobs, her ears, her hair what? I started to think over it, and felt the body scent of the Muslim girl. Then I tried to feel the scent of round face girl's body. No there was no similarity between them. I felt a strong desire to smell them both. What is biodiversity between two females, specially regarding the scent? At that time, I was landing in a different world, a world of scent. What is woman scent? I was thinking very deep over it.
It was a library, more than twenty students are reading there, both girls and boys. I thought to come off the library, but I saw the poetess of the class, reading a book. Her boobs were the biggest ones in the class, but she was a very serious girl, and never came out of a narrow group. For a little while I thought to talk to her, but very soon I realized it would not good to me to call her first. Let create a situation. If you want to be a gold director, lead the situations, do not allow them to lead you. I started thinking over it as a conspirator, as an extremist conspirator. As soon as I started to think as a conspirator, fortune started helping me. When you start any conspiracy, negative and positive powers starts working, with first step you have to find out the negative and the positive powers, materially as well as heavenly. A gold director does this work very keenly, history has been written by such a gold director or by many gold directors. A young would-be administrator came to me, and said,'' Let us do something common activity here today.''
.''What is in your mind?, '' I was to the point.
''A common debate can be organized here.''
''Table talk would be better, just give them an invitation.''
''Topic?, '' he came to the next point, the first point was ok from his side.
''Sex and human being..''
''It is a bold topic,'' he warned.
''I am not soft like woman, at least physically. What they love I want to know, and better from their mouths, Can you conduct the whole debate very effectively.?"
''Sure,'' he was very much confident, and with his confidence my conspiracy goes one step ahead.
Within fifteen minutes, six persons were sitting around a table, the poetess was one of them.
''You all are just welcome in this table talk, today we are going to discuss sex and human being. We all are students of journalism, so I hope we can communicate our ideas in a well manner way'' the would-be administrator started with these words. The poetess was just sitting in front of me, and from the beginning I tried my best to have eyes-contact with her, I had planned everything; the object of this plan was very much clear to me….kissing this poetess.
''What is sex and what is human being? And what is the relation between them?' The would-be administrator asked to a young wide face man, who was always very much active in debates.
''Sex is means, it is not end…through this one generation comes after another…and this chain is going on…both are co-related, the one does not exist without the other…,'' the wide face man said.
Then the would-be administrator turned the coin to another person, then to another, and then to another. .When the poetess was approached, she said, '' sex is a biological need, and it must be fulfilled, it is necessary for the development human being…But at the same time we not forget that, it should be controlled for the betterment of society… marriage system is the best way to fulfill this need and maintain the order in society….''
Now it was my turn, and I was mentally ready to go ahead with my plan. I looked straight into her eyes and said, '' As a wild man who is guided by his natural instincts I would like to love this woman…I do not want to say anything philosophical, as a common man, this woman attracts me…marriage system is man-made…it crushes the natural instincts…I would rather like to follow the natural instincts than to man-made marriage system…''
''You want to throw away the established system ?,'' she asked.
''No, I want to fulfill my natural desire, I want to love a woman like you. If it goes against the established system, I do not care…because all system is for human being, human being is not for system, '' I was still looking into her big eyes.'' And I am sure, you will enjoy my hands over your body,'' I said it, glancing over the biggest boobs of the class.
''You have no right to be personal,'' she protested.
''I do not want to mention the bookish words…''
''I am going to leave this table,'' she said.
''It is your choice.''
The-would be administrator tried to control the situation, but it was too late as she had stood up. I determined not to stop myself, I went ahead with these words, '' I know you are a poet, but I am sure your all poetry are nothing but some selected beautiful words, words without feeling…first feel and then write. ''
''I do not want to learn poetry from you, '' she said and went away.
''Oh! One of the participant has gone away, never mind let us starts, '' the would-be administrator said.
''The second participant is, too, going away. Enjoy your table talk,'' I said and left the table.
I went to the other part of the library where the poetess was sitting and maintained a large distance. First time I was playing with a girl under high alertness and pre-plan. I had explained my desire flatly before her, and now I was waiting for her turn, and I was sure she would communicate me. With the words of Thomas Hardy I was waiting, waiting and waiting. I knew any wrong move could destroy my whole plan. Till now everything was going according to my plan.
''May I sit here?,'' When I listened the words of poetess girl, I glanced at her and said, ''You may.' She sat before me, I jumped deep into her big eyes.
''I always think that you are a very serious person, you must maintain your dignity. You should respect woman. Whatever you have said today about me, is haunting me. You do not think that you are wrong?'' She said with a complaining tone, she was polite.
''What you want to listen? ''
''The truth.''
''But it may hurt you.''
''No matter, tell me the truth.''
''I always believe in subjective truth. May be it is not fit for your truth format.''
''Just tell me, I want to listen.''
''Have you ever seen yourself in mirror.''
'I always see myself in mirror''
''Have you seen your naked body, and specially your boobs?,'' I said without any hesitation, and looking into her eyes and glancing her strong boobs.
''Again you are going into wrong direction, but let me listen your words,'' she said.
''Your boobs are the sexiest ones in the class-room. I have listened all male students always talk about them,''
''I want to listen your words,'' she said emphatically.
''I have a wild desire to play with them,'' I said.
''You are a sick man, you have to consult a psychiatrist,'' she told.
''I am not asking your opinion about myself.''
''Ok, tell me more.''
''Do you believe in experiment?''
''What experiment?''
''You just allow me to touch you, it will convert you in a poetry…a romantic poetry.''
''Have you gone mad?''
''Choice is your!,'' I said politely.
''Your words sound exciting…but..''
''What but…''
''Where will you do it?''
''Here in this library.''
''And what about other students''
''Do not worry about them, we will go to the director chamber.''
''Director chamber!''
''Yes he is not here, we will lock the door…I am going into the chamber, just come after me…''
''You go first, then I will come''
When I entered into the director chamber, I got there no one. After a little while she came in. I locked the door from inside and sit on a chair.
''yes, what you want to do,'' she came close to me and asked.
I asked her to sit in my lap and she followed my instruction. When I started kissing her gently, she laughed and said,'' I do not want your gentle touching. Be wild….I want to see your wild nature…You have talked a lot during table talk.''
Having listened her words I lost my control and started playing with her body…I saw her boobs and she was very glad to show them. I removed both the nipples in multi-directions, and felt the music of her body. I started sucking them and she enjoyed it a lot. After fifteen minutes she said, ''now leave me. it enough for today…it is not the proper place for…''
In a state of frustration I left her. She managed herself and said, ''You are a wild animal, but I will make you tame…''
When I listened the word tame, my mind changed quickly. I could be anything but tame. Tame! No,not at all.
''Now tell me, what you feel after fulfilling your wild desire…I am sure you have to say some golden words of this experience. Now I want to know your subjective truth.''
''You are kidding me?,'' I asked, in a irritating tone.
''No, perhaps you do not know that I am a student of psychology and like you I do believe in experiment. When you tell about your desire to hug me, I feel this same desire for you, now let me know your experience. How did you feel? ''
''Everything was ok, your last word ''tame'' made me upset, you know?''
''Because you are a man! A wild man…no man wants to be tame, it is woman who makes a man tame. Like a wild animal a man wants sensual pleasure, but to a woman, real pleasure starts after this sensual pleasure. All systems are very much in favor of human being,'' She said to me, holding me in her arms.
''Do you know, why I allow you to do this act? Because very boldly and honestly you say it to me. A woman always likes courage in man…and you have it.
I hold her in my arms and said gently, ''A lot of thanks for your co-operation. In fact I was mad for a woman touch for last some days…''
''I can understand it…man is like a child, he needs touch, love and care…Do not worry I will make you tame, I will take care of you and tell you how to love a woman, '' she said me and touched my head with her hand. I realized from the bottom of my heart that she was taming me. I unlocked the door and came out. I pick up a book from a table. It was ''Prince'' by Machiavelli. Unconsciously I turned some pages of the book and my eyes stopped over an underling sentence…''A king should be like a lion and wolf. He should be courageous like a lion and clever like wolf. A lion cannot see a trap while a wolf is very much expert to smell trap. With these words I smelt the trap…the trap of the poetess girl. A lion and a wolf can be made tame….A was Leo, a real Leo…How could a woman make a Leo tame?

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

Some pages of a torn-diary (part -20)

by Alok nandna Dedicated to a Nightingale

4 October
''Oh, no! What I have done!'' With these words I woke up. I saw darkness was spreading all around me.'' Oh, it was a dream,'' I mumbled and closed my eyes. I tried to recall the dream and one after another all the characters and mysterious events started moving before my eyes. Earlier they are free to act, but now they are compelled to act. Some characters are running back to my unconscious but with closed eyes I chased them and bring forth. Now they are running before my eyes like a movie….. I am sitting on a running train, I went down on an un-known platform. Then entered into an old car, that is being driven by a prostitute…in fact I am not sure that she is a prostitute…I just feel that she is a prostitute…she drops me in a wedding ceremony…All the people of my village are present there….I am informed that one of my friends is going to marry with an un-known girl…An old friend of town comes to me and says,'' I have got an contract to develop your village …it is the paper…you must see..'' He handed over me some papers. When I see the papers …his elder brother comes with some people and ask me to return the papers…All my villagers are ready to fight as they do not want any outsiders to do construction work in their village…But I return the papers and request the villagers to calm down. A young man is reading a book of Indian mythology. I take it and try to find out the name of the book….but its first three pages are torn…This book seems interesting to me…All of sudden I realize that all my clothes are old…I meet the groom…I hate this groom most…He, too, is uncomfortable with me…Suddenly the groom changes into another person…I hate this person too…He says with a little surprise,'' What are you doing here? His younger comes to me and says, ''You are an unsuccessful person…You talk a lot but you have done nothing…'' When he goes away, I see her sister…she is collecting money from her friends…she is little fat …she says boldly,'' I know how to make people fools…She comes to me and indirectly she offers me, through her gesture, to make love with her…but I avoid her eyes and her body language…I feel I should have a nice bath…I goes to a tube well…and there I find one of my childhood friends whom I love most…He says ''Oh, you have come here…! People say that you are not my friend, really you are not my friend? They are wrong….you are my friend…you are my real friend…I can do anything for you…Both of us play with the water and enjoy the slippery ground. From top we start slipping…Oh, very fast we are slipping down …Both of us are taking each –other tightly…What a adventure! Full action!! we are laughing, little scaring and enjoying…when we come down on the ground we look each-other and starts ascending to the slippery plate…Now we are in the middle of it…All of sudden the old groom appears from upwards and very forcefully pushes us back…Both of us are trying to stop him, but due to our lower position on the slippery plate we are unable to stop him… Again very forcefully we are coming down…But at the last point, we throw him away…my friend is laughing…and I push him on the slippery ground…after slipping he fells down…I come to him with a hearty laugh …I see a flow of blood from his head…''Oh, no! What I have done!'' With these words I woke up.
I opened my eyes and mumbled, ''My only childhood friend has died!…Tonight he has come in my dream. Yes he has passed away…but not as child…but as young man who had a wife and a son.''
Now I tried to remember him. When he grew up, he became a peasant, an Indian peasant, an Indian farmer who would work hard in his field. After marriage he was separated by his father and given some parts of land. He worked hard but he was unable to feed his won family. Latter he became the father of a son. He had no other sources of income, but had to work hard in his own field. Poverty was eating his family. Latter he decided to go to Delhi in order to work in factories and took some money against his land. In Delhi he worked two years and lost his health. Whatever he earned in two years was spent over his treatment. Land had already eaten his soul and now Factory had eaten his body. Even his land was acquired by the local money lender. He tried hard to fight hard against the cruelty of life but lost his battle. In a state of frustration and despair, one day he burnt himself…it was an horrible death of an Indian farmer. You brutal policy makers of this nation! You all are responsible of his brutal death. Who bloody bastards tell that Indian is a country of farmer? Throw them away. Indian is not a country of Farmer but it the cauldron of farmer. All farmer of India go to hell ! What you are doing? Cheating and killing each-other and ! I recall my childhood friend passionately. I want to mention his name, yes I want to mention his name because symbolically his name is important. His name was Arjuna, not that Arjuna who fought the Mahabharata War under the guidance of Lord Krishana. Lord Krishana ! Come on the earth again as many Arjunaas are in a state of delusion. The trap is national debt, break this trap.

5 October
The lady Chattery's lover was very much happy today. When he entered into my Omen he said, ''Very interesting development! That lady has phoned me today. She is shifted in a nearby city and she has called me. Do you know, I am going to meet her today.''
''What are you saying?,'' I was surprised to listen him.
''Yes! I am going to meet her today. And I will stay there one week. It is her plan. Oh! she is an incredible lady, I love her, Yes! Yes!! I l love her,'' he said enthusiastically.
''I know you love her, but how she connected you?'' I asked.
''It was very simple. Earlier she had asked me for my landline number. Today she phoned me and said that she was waiting for me. In this city she was a recognized person. Now she wants to meet me freely. Oh! I am so happy. Now tell me what should I do?''
''You have already decided to go there!''
''Are you coming with me?''
''Me? No, no. You go there. I will wait for your coming.''
''Is not good to go there without you.''
''What do you mean?''
''In fact, I am fearful to go alone. So please come with me.''
''You know, you are doing a blunder. I am a man, too. May be I start loving her, in that situation a conflict will start between you and me.''
''You are joking. Here a lot of girls are your fans, and I know you are avoiding them, You cannot love a married woman like me.''
''I do not want more discussion over it, I am not coming with you.''
''Then I will not go alone,'' he proclaimed.
''You go to hell, I do not care.''
''Ok, I am going, but if I am killed there, you will be responsible.''
''No one will kill you, now you can go,'' I said roughly. When he went away, again I started thinking of that lady, that unseen lady whose departure had made me worry. What a character she is ! She will enjoy a new city with a young unmarried man. Oh, she is a lady with her libido! I love her, I love her, I love her.

6 October
''What do think about yourself ? I have been looking for you for long time, and you…Anyway, I want to say you something,'' the Muslim girl said me as soon as I entered into the library.
''For God sake do not tell me I love you. I am fade-up with these three words,'' I said, glancing at her face.
''You always bark like a dog. I have already told you that you are not my lover. You are just a good human being so why I want to talk to you. You know all the boys are ready to fell in love with me. But it is not issue. I want to discuss some problem with you.''
''I am a problem solving box ?,'' I said her with a smile.
''Do not bark… and come with me''
She was a tall girl, and unlike other tall Indian girls her boobs were healthy and she would cover them with a Chunari (an Indian clothes used to cover the upper parts of young girls). When she was sitting before me I glanced at her body, and she noticed it. Never forget woman has sixth sense.
''You devil mind! What are you watching?,'' She asked.
''Your body, really, it will make a man happy.''
''keep your mouth shut and listen me carefully. You know the place where I would sit in the class-room?, '' she asked, coming close to me, and I felt the scent of her attractive body. The scent of woman's body differs from woman to woman. Each woman has its won special scent.
''On the bench where I would sit, someone has made man's figure.''
''So what?''
''Oh! You do not understand….Some one has made a man private part…Did you get the point?''
''Let me understand….where you would sit, there someone has made a man organ, right?''
''Yes, your right.''
''It is erected or non-erected?''
''No issue.''
''Have you sit over it? ''
''After sitting on the bench, I saw it, fool!''
''Ok, Do you enjoy it?''
''You just shut up!''
''If you read lonely lady in the class room, certainly someone will try to fulfill your desire.'' I said, smelling her body.
''I want your help''
''Help! what help?''
''You just find out the name of the person who has done this, I will teach him a lesion,'' Her eyes were flaming when she was saying these words.
''Am the member of Gestapo ?''
''Gestapo! What is it?''
''It was a secret organization of Adolf Hitler. Members of this organization would report Hitler about everything and according this report Hitler would take action. You want me to play like the member of this organization? Sorry I cannot help you in this regard. I can just give you polite suggestion, do not read sexy book in the class-room or library.''
''You will not help me?,'' she became furious, and her white milky face turned into red and I enjoyed her angry face. For a little while I imagined her as yellowed eyed girl's position in my Omen, with this wild imagination I arose all of sudden. I was highly surprises with this new development in my body and mind. She was reading my changing face keenly, and she felt something was wrong with me.
''What happened ?,'' She asked, touching my hand, and with her touching a current spread al around my body. I felt strong desire hold her in my arms. I was completely out of my mind, I was unable to see anything; I was imagining about her naked soft milky body, but I did not say her anything; just kept my mouth shut.
''You know I always like you. You should help me in this regard. It is a mental offence. He must be punished,'' she was continued, still holding my hand in her both hands.
''It is too difficult to find out the culprit. If you say anything about it students will laugh over you,'' I suggested her.
''I do not care about there laughing. It is the matter of my honor. I will allow no one to let me down. I want to fight against this sexual harassment,'' she said emphatically. And was really surprised to see her sprit.
''Ok, I will help you. But I want to tell you something.'' I said.
''Do not tell I love you. I am fade with these three words, '' She said and laughed.
'' I am serious.''
''Then let me listen you.''
''Really, I love you.''
''You have gone mad.''
''Believe me,'' I said and pressed her hands, perhaps, first time she realized that she was holding my hand in her hands. She tried to take her back but I hold them tightly, even I used my both hands for this purpose. She looked straight to my eyes and said, ''Let me go.''
''I will wait for your words, '' I said.
''Do not wait. I tell you now,'' she said and stood up, I looked upward her face, waiting her words.
''No, no and no,'' she said and laughed.'' Take care I will meet you soon''
''You go to hell! I do not want to meet you.''
''I love your frustration, bye. Well, I have a good book for you.'' She opened her bag and gave me ''Far from the madding Crowd'' by Thomas Hardy and said,'' I think you will enjoy the devotion of the male protagonist of this book''
When she went away, I started reading the mind of Thomas Hardy.

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

Some pages of a torn-diary (part 19)

(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale)
29 September
A group of dreaded criminals came to me today. They wanted to join a political party.They were in search of a suitable political party. They were asking for my suggestion. I was confused what to suggest them what to suggest them. One of them said, ''It would be better to enter into a national Hindu Party that had demolished a religious construction. All of them went to the office of that political party, I was among them. When we reached at the office, the state president of the party was sitting there with his followers. He asked them to sit and then started delivering a lecture about Mother Indian. He said Indian is our mother and we have to respect our mother. When I asked, ''Why India is mother, why it is not father.'' He looked to me angrily and again said, ''You all are youth so you must know how to love your motherland.'' I again asked, ''Why Indian is motherland? Why it not a fatherland? You know Germany is fatherland. I just want to understand the concept of Motherland, would you help in this regard? '' He felt some uneasiness and after taking a deep breath he said, ''At first you know the long deep routed culture of India. It is the British who told it India, its ancient name was Bharat. Bharat was a famous king of this land, so this country is called Bharat. We should love and respect our history.''
''If Bharat was king, it should have been fatherland, because he was a king, he was a man. Why it is a Motherland? ''
He lost his temper and said, ''You have come here to join our political party or just asking the nonsense questions? Youth like you is destroying our best culture. It can be tolerated.''
''If we are not satisfied with your answers, how can we follow you?,' he said. All the group members enjoying this very much. One of them told him not worry about my words. They were going to join this political party. The president warned me last time, ''You are not fit for any political party. All political parties demand loyalty, and you have no loyalty.'' All of them joined the political party but I was thrown away. And I was very happy not to be a part of the follower of motherland. Land is land. If you plough it, it will give you crop, no matter it is motherland or fatherland.


30 September
Today I went to the red hair boy's house. He lives besides the river of Ganges. When I entered into his room, I saw there countless books and two photos of Goddess Swarswati, the Goddess of art and culture.
He told me the stories of these two photos. According to him, one was his beloved and the other was goddess. He regarded both the images in different ways. Whenever he felt strong desire to meet a woman, he would talk to one image. He would not only talk to it but he would kiss the image passionately. And at the same time he would worship the second image of Goddess Swarswati. His fantasy attracted me a lot. He told me about his Mumbai's life and also about his village life. Whatever he said, he would say clear vision. He would speak English with unique Indian accent. Now he was reading Segmund Freud and explained Freud according his won way. After spending my intense time with him, I came to the conclusion, ''he has learnt more from the real life than the books.''

1 October
The winter has started. I have to buy shoes and warm clothes. I have been just using a slipper for last one year. I have to close the window of Omen as winter is very terrible here. I have a coat, a black coat. My father would use it when he was young. For last five winters I have been using this coat. I love this old coat very much. It has torn, but still I love to wear it. I always remember my father as a stylish man. I have been using his wrist watch for last eight years.


2 October
It is the birth day of the nation of father. It is said that he was a man of truth. Prayers are being done all around the city but I am not fascinated with these prayers. These are just routine works. I am sitting in my Omen and reading ''Maila Annchal'' (Dirty upper clothes) by Renu. In this book, Renu has depicted a small town society and the effect of the nation of father over this society. The nation of father had started it experimental movements form this place. Very keenly Renu has depicted the rise of socialism in this area. He has also explained about the Mutths (religious gangs) and its lives, how devdashi (the woman servant of God) is exploited by the leaders of the Mutths. It is horrible! Really it is horrible. On the name of God woman are being converted into prostitute for a long time. Shame! Shame!! Shame!!! I cannot say that Indian is a great country. Female children are sexually exploited on the name of God, even today, in Indian. Where are those persons who write and sing heroic deeds of Indian? They should go to the Mutth and watch those budding girls who are being used as kept by the leaders of Mutth. The nation of Father! You wanted to convert the heat of man through the pure means but you had forgotten that by nature man is an animal. Indian needs the rule of Hamburabbi, ''eyes for eyes.''

3 October
A young leftist leader has been killed in a remote area of the state but its effects could be seen in the city. He was a charismatic leader.He was the student of Jwahar Lal Neharu University and was very much active in students politics. Latter he turned back to his village and started fighting against the local criminals. He had been warned many times but did not care about it. And he was killed. A special program was organized against the killing in our Journalism Institute. When I went there, a young professor warned me not to say a single word here. I sat there for a little while and came out. I saw the yelled eyed girl, coming to me.
''I am looking for you for a long time. I was thinking to come to your Omen,'' she said to me.
''I was little busy with my work. Why you are looking for me?'' I asked.
''You are my friend, so I am worried for you, what are you doing here?''
''Nothing,'' said I.
''I want to see your Omen.''
''Now?''
''Yes, now.''
''But is far from here.''
''So what? Let us come.''
I did not protest but just followed her instruction. After half an hour we came to my Omen, My lovely Omen.
''In fact I wanted to talk to you. Let me have a glass of water,'' she said and looked around.
I gave her some water from the clay-made pot. She laughed and drank the water.
''You know, whenever I enter into you Omen I feel it is the most beautiful place I have ever seen. I love your living style, '' She said, taking down the glass. Her shot hairs were touching her shoulder and her lower joint teeth were pleasant to see. When she laughed, her beautifully constructed joint teeth would shine like purls. They were as white as swan.
''Today you write me a love letter to me,'' She commanded me.
''Love letter! But you are in my Omen. I can talk to you directly,'' I was little surprised to listen her command.
''I say, you must write a love letter to me, '' she emphasized, sitting on my bed.
''You have gone mad! Why do I write a love letter to you, while you are sitting before me?''
''Because I want it. Would you not like to please me? I will read it before you and it will be a great fun.''
''You are crazy! I have never written a love letter.''
''So what! Do it for me,'' she said and pick some paper and a pen and gave them to me.
''Ok, if you are serious, I will try. But do not you think you are compelling me to do a funny thing? ''I said, trying my level best to understand the language of her yellow eyes.
First time in my life I was writing a love letter.

My sweet heart
xyz
You are sitting before me and I am writing a love letter to you. I do not think that such types of love letters would have been ever written in the history of love affairs. I have read all the love letters that had been written by Nepolian Bonapart to Josephine. But I am sure What I am going to write will be more interesting and passionate than the Bonapart's letters. Let me tell you, I love you from the bottom of my heart, I want to sink deep in your heart. And I want to tell you very frankly I do not know how to swim in the ocean of love. But do not worry if I die, I will think it is my fate. I will never blame you. Now dear darling I cannot write more words.
In fact you are hell to me. Have you ever seen your face in a mirror, you look like a horrible lady ghost. Now you are sitting before me and compelling me to write a love letter. Better you try your luck somewhere. Dear darling if you really love me, you must arrange the round face girl's mother for me. I always like elder woman. Now you go to hell. I am fade up with this letter. But again I want to tell you that I love you very much.
Yours and only yours
abc

''I have finished the letter,'' I said with a smile.
''Have you not written more? Ok, do not worry, let me see it,'' she said and took the letter from my hand. She was very happy to read the first paragraph but the color of her face started changing. She became furious and attacked on me. I was trying to protect myself. She did not stop and went ahead. I pulled down on the bed and hold her both hands tightly. She was under my both thighs, and both of us could feel each-other warm breaths. Gradually she became cool and murmured, ''If you were meet me earlier!''
I entered my fingers in her short hair and started kissing her both lips. I felt that my blood was moving fast to my head. She was hissing badly. All of sudden the portrait of Adolf Hitler fell down from the straw made wall. I looked to the falling Hitler and stood up, leaving her on the bed. I picked up the portrait murmured, ''Hitler! you do not like this act.''
''What happened?,'' she asked, she was still laying on the bed.
''I think it is enough for today,''
''I hate you, do you know?''
''But I love you,'' I said and started cleaning the portrait.
''One day Hitler will make your life hell,'' she warned me.
''I would love that hell.''
''You know….you know….oh! I cannot tell you.''
''What? ''
''You go to hell,'' she was furious.
''Sorry my love! I am really very sorry''
''Oh why do not you understand? …''
''What?''
''My marriage has been fixed…and ….''
''and what? ''
''……………''
''And What?''
''And I want your child,'' she said and started weeping bitterly.
I looked to her face, and came to her.
''I really love you, but is not fair. You were cheating me, you know?''
''I am a woman, if I wish you child, what is wrong in it?''
''But how will you face your husband? ''
''I wont tell him anything. I have not seen him. It is just an arrange marriage…My parents have fixed this marriage, I am just obeying my parents. But I cannot suppress my own desire, and why should I do it. I just want a child from you,'' She said in a sinking voice. I took her face in my hands and said politely, '' Let me think over it deeply. I respect you, and your desire, but let me think over you. Just control yourself. I will talk to you latter.''
''You are so gentle, I love you, now I am going,'' she said and turned to the door.
''You are forgetting something,'' I said and she turned to me.
''What?''
''This love letter,'' I showed the love letter.
When she came to me and I hold her in my arms and kissed her passionately.
''Now leave me. Take care,'' she took the letter and went away.
I looked to the portrait of Hilter and said, '' Thanks.''

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

Some pages of a torn-diary (part 18)

Some pages of a torn-diary (part 18)
(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale)

28 September
Today I went to meet Lady Chatterrly with the young boy. We got the main gate was locked. Latter we were informed by a lady that she had left the city forever. The young boy was socked to listen it, and I was, too. He asked me a lot of questions but I was unable to answers them. Whole day I thought about her but could not get any conclusion regarding her departure. A question was hunting my mind, '' Why she has left this city without telling anything to the young boy while she had copulated with her willingly? ''Again and again I thought of it but got no answer. It frustrated me a lot.
''She left the city because she had disclosed her secret in a drunken state or something had compelled her to do so or…'' All the imaginative answers were moving in my mind.
Woman what you are? You are a mystery! You are a mystery!! You are a mystery !!! In fit of frustration I went to the library. It was a close day. But the director of the Journalism Institute was sitting there and reading a book. He looked to me with a question mark in his eyes. I said him nothing but just sit in front of him.
He asked, ''What happened? ''
''I am thinking of a woman. ''
''All young man thinks of women, it is not surprising. Again you are going to use my library? I won't allow today. What the other people will say if the they know that the director of a famous Institute is involved with woman in his own library. No, no you go away. ''
I was exhausted, so I said nothing but just looked to him.
''If you have come with a girl, do not worry. I am going, you can use my library,'' he said.
''I am alone, there is no girl with me,'' I told him in sinking voce.
''Oh! it is too sad, ''He said and again started reading his book.
''You talk about women a lots, Can you tell, what is woman?'' I asked.
''What is woman! Woman is woman. What a foolish question it is!
''I am sure, you have come in contact with many woman, so you have a lot have a wide experience in this regard. I want to know what is woman? ''
''I do not know what is woman. I started my life from road. All my friends after acquiring a lot of wealth indulged with many women and they have lost their money. While I always kept myself away from woman and today I am still a wealth man. I cannot help you in this regard.''
I was not satisfied with his words. I left the place thinking about lady Chatterly.
I went to a bar and bought four bottles of beer. I drank and thought and I thought and drank. I had never seen her, never, never but I was highly attached to her. Why? Perhaps she was the first married woman who could help me to understand the secret of a woman. When I was drinking in the bar, all of sudden I listened the sound of a shootout. I glanced at the counter. The owner of the bar had been shot down by a dreaded criminal of the city. A bar boy tired to run but he, too, was shot. Any he came out the bar and fell down. The shooter looked to me and went away. When I came out the bar, I saw the body of the bar-boy. He was breathing heavily. The shooter came near to him and shot him again with the close range. Two murders had been committed before my eyes. All the customers of the bar had been run away. I turned back to the counter and pick up six bottles of beer and then left the place, thinking about the Lady Catterly. She had entered very deep into my mind.
The sun had set, but my mind was burning. I just wanted to know why that lady had left the city? Why? Why?? Why ??? The two murders before my had not affected me as the departure of my lady Chatterly.
I was drinking, walking and thinking. I did not know where I was going? After a little while I was standing before the Governor House. I entered into a park besides the Governor house. I was alone. A sat there. Now I had bottles of beer, I had gulped one out of six. I was drinking bitterly.
A guard of Governor house came with two dogs. He came to me and said,'' You are drinking here. Just go away.''
In drunken state I said, ''It is my city, and it is my park. No one can force me to go away. I will drink her. ''
''If you do not leave this park within minutes, I will leave these dogs on you.''
''I do not care. And I am sure these dogs will not harm me,'' I told confidently, although the beer was playing its own effect over my mind.
''Ok, then I am going to leave these dogs,'' He warned me.
''Do not threat me. You just do it.''
As soon as he left the dogs I stood up and came in a attention position like and Indian military man and then started singing the national anthem. Earlier I had read somewhere that all the government dogs are touched how to behave on the national anthem. Both the dogs became attention as if he was they were bowing down before the national flag. The army man looked to me surprisingly. Now he became polite to me. He said to me,'' if you want to drink, you just come in my camp. It is a public place.''
''Would you like to talk to me about woman?''
''Why not? just come with me.'' I followed him with my bottles.
He told me a lot of things about woman body, but he was unable to understand my question, what woman? After two hours I left him and came to my Omen.


I love my diary too much. When I sit to write, I feel my mind is taking a written shape. Oh I have drunk too much. But after drinking one can write better. Let me have a bath.
------------------------------------
After bath
What is emotion? What is sex? Both is co-related? I have not seen Lady Chatterly but have strong inclination to her. What is it? Her young lover has made her figure before my eyes through his words. What is world? It is just a symbol that represents a definite sound? I am unable to understand it. Let me think over it deeply. I have seen all the young girls in my class room, but they are not so appealing to me, while I am highly fascinated to an un seen face. Really mind has its won dimension. Who will solve this problem. Let me discuss it with the Muslim girl. What she thinks about sex and emotion? Have I psychological problem? Oh my mind is burning! Today two people have killed before my eyes. ''Do not think much Wrath! Otherwise you will go mad ! I want I woman's arms badly, who can love me! Who can love me!! who can love me!!!

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

Some pages of a torn-diary (part 17)

(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale)
25 September
The lady Chatterly' lover was looking for me madly. He came to my Omen with ten bottles of beer. We sat together to drink. He told me , ''Do you know I spent my yesterday night with that lady. I loved her whole night. She was very much expressive yesterday. She guided me how to love a woman. She is a well-read woman. What she was telling about woman and womanhood after drinking I did not understand. I only followed her instruction and first time I felt I got a real woman. I have told her about you and she was very much eager to meet you.'' After finishing three bottles of beer, I told him, ''You have got her, now my work is finished. I think I do not have any role in this story. You just enjoy your time with her, and do not mention it to any one as a woman never like her secrets to be disclosed. Even, do not mention my name before her.
''You know. She had a nice bath with me in her luxurious bathroom. I saw her milky body and kissed her from top to bottom. After drinking too much she started abusing to her husband, she was speaking in English so I could not understand all her words.''
''What she said about her son?'' I asked.
''She was sorry for him. She told me one day her husband would tell him everything and she was preparing herself for that day.''
When he went away, again I realized the pain of Lady Chetterly. I am sure she wants love, affection and confidence of a strong man. I should meet her. She is attracting me like a fairy tell. I am feeling a strong desire to hold her tightly in my arms and read all the chapters of her life through her eyes. I want this woman ! I want this woman !! I want this woman !!!
----------------

In a drunken state I took off all my clothes and sit calmly on my bed. I closed my mind and concentrated over the Lady Cheterly. I tried my level best to sketch her figure before my closed eyes, then I started sending message to her through my mind, repeating aging and again in my mind,''Lady Chatterly. come in contact with me ! Lady Chatterly, Come in contact with. Are you listening me? Are you listening me?'' I repeated this process more than half an hours, but got no result. Somewhere I had read that mind had capacity to communicate any one, no matter you have seen that person or not.


26 September
Today the black girl's younger came to meet me in my Omen. I was not ready for her. She gave me some delicious sandwiches to eat and told that she made them herself for me. She told me, ''You know that I
always want to touch you. I have tried my level best not to come to you, I know you do not like my presence here. But what can I do? ''
I told her politely, ''I have never said it. You are important to me, so I do not want to hurt you. I am a man, and you know by nature man is an animal.''
''Why do not you understand that I want to see your brutality? I have seen many time my mother likes the brutality of my father, and she always enjoys it.''
''Brutality! What type of brutality?''
''He loves her like an animal. I have seen it and always try to see it in late night, although they do not know anything about it. Boys of my age are not able to understand it, I know. I am not a child,I am a woman, a complete woman. ''
''How can you say that you are a complete woman? ''I asked.
''I am feeling the monthly pain and I have ability to love a young man, not a boy. All boys are stupid. They do not understand a woman, her feeling and her dreams.''
''But your body is tender.How can you tolerate the hardship of a man?''
''I have ability to produce a child. So do not worry about it. You just allow me to feel your hardship.''
''Little girl, I cannot do it. Wait when the time will come I will tell you.''
'' Ok, I will wait. I want my first man experience with you.''
''You know, till now I have not gone through any woman. Let me have this experience with an elder girl or woman first.''
''You are very careful about me, so why I love you too much. Let me kiss you, ''She told and kissed me pleasantly. I felt her warm breath over my face and thought, ''the tender age is the most interesting phase of life, it searches love with little hesitation. But when it gets right person, it explores itself unconditionally.''


27 September
I am not going anywhere. I am enjoying my Omen very much. I am decorating it. I have asked a girl child to make my sketch, and she is about to complete it. She is sitting in my Omen and sketching me. She is just eight or nine years old. Let her do it.
I have used the dung for making the flour beautiful. First I got some dung, then mixed some water and then explored it on the flour. With my hand I rubbed it on the flour. I am tired. Let me drink a bottle of beer. Ok, now I am drinking, while the little artist is still busy with her sketch book. Now I am going to wash all my bed sheet and clothes. It is a hard work and it will take time, so let me drink another bottle. I have gulped the another bottle and washing all the clothes including the bed sheet. I have finished the work. The little painter has completed my sketch. It has long curly hair, long and black curly beard, Jeans and a shirt. Beside the sketch she has written in a bold letters, ''a revolutionary journalist.'' Having seen the words I asked the little painter, ''why have you written here a revolutionary journalist?''
''My father has told me that you are a revolutionary journalist, so why I have written her these words,'' she replied innocently.
''You father says it!''
''Yes, he always talks about you.''
''It means I am very much popular in this colony. Good! You have done a great job, but you have made my beard too long.''
''No, you must see your beard. Do you have mirror? It is too long.''
''I do not have mirror.''
''Do not worry. I just bring a mirror for you,'' she told me and went away. After a little while she came with a handy mirror and said to me, ''Now, you look your self in this mirror.''
After I long time I saw my face in the mirror. I could see only my eyes as all my face was covered with my long hair and long beard. I have not saved since I read about Samson's story. The secret of his strength was his long beard and hair.
There was cut sign besides my right eye. I watched this sign very closely. My father had told me about this sign earlier that in the forest of Nagaland I was trying to snatch a piece of meat from a wild dog and it attacked on me. I had been wounded brutally by that wild dog. I tried to recall that incident and saw the sharp teeth and long nail of that wild dog. I touched the cross cut and smiled. According to my father,'' I was almost killed by that wild dog.'' All scratches of body have its own stories. If you want to know a person, you must watch his body keenly and find out the scratches, each scratch will tell you a unique story. Through the intensity of scratch, you can measure the intensity of one's life. Wounds over the body are the footstep of the journey of life.
I hung the sketch over the straw-made wall and looked it again and again. I felt that I was just looking like a Roman God. When the little artist went away, I took off all my clothes and saw my naked body very keenly. I could find any scratch other parts of my body. I felt a strong desire to love my body. I touched it very gently. it is the body that carries the soul. Very gently I touched my private parts and felt hardness of a man. Yes I am a complete man and I need a woman. I dwelled into the world of fantasy with the Muslim girl, the painter, the round face girl, the yellowed eyed girl and the black girl. But the black younger attracted me a lot. She occupied my mind with different positions. I allowed my mind to think about her, about her melting her tender body. Oh! no, it is was not good. I opened the another bottle of beer, and started gulping it. My father would tell me, ''Never allow women to enter into your mind, if once they enter into your mind, they will eat your health and you would loose your power, power of a man. Always remember it.''

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

Some pages of a torn-diary (part 16)
(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale)

20 September
Under the statue of Jay Prakash Narayan, the public meeting was held against the partisan of the state. Jay Prakash is known as JP and his movement is known as JP Movement. The slogan of this movement was ''complete revolution.'' I have read about this movement very keenly. People never like stagnation. Then Congress party was the sole ruler of this country since 15 August 1947.There was a natural dissatisfaction among the people. All the major opposition leaders targeted Iron lady of India. First time an anti-congress movement emerged in this country under the leadership of JP in 1974. On 25 April 1976 the election of Lady Iron was declared null and void and national emergency was imposed. Later the Iron lady was thrown away and anti-congress government first time came into power. JP did a blunder here like Gandhi had done after independence. He did not take any post because he wanted to serve the nation and its people without taking any post. It was a ridiculous mistake because where there is politics there is power, there is no politics without power. With the throwing away the Iron lady of Indian from the power, the JP Movement or the total revolution came to its zenith. Now this complete revolution had no further programs, theoretically it had targeted its goal. Before the eyes of JP, power clash started among the leaders and the whole movement converted into a funny game-power games that are common in democratic formats.
-----------------------------

I was sitting under the statue of JP with many people. The round face girl and the yellow eye girl were sitting besides me. All the students of Journalism had been invited and most of them were present. One after another speakers were addressing but I was busy with the two girls. They were so near to me that I could feel the warmth of their bodies. The yellow eyed girl was making a frog from a paper and I was watching her keenly. She made a jumping frog and gave to me. I asked her, ''what is it? '' She told, ''You tell me what is it.'' I looked to the statue of JP and told, ''It is like JP. It can jump only but can never touch the un-limit sky.''
------------------------------

Media men were coming and going. After 2 o' clock most people went away. The white hair journalist was asked to bring more people. The young boy who first day supported me in the class room went to Gandhi Ground. It was a big ground where people coming from the nearby city villages would sit and rest. A rally of middle school teachers was organized there. Now all the teachers were taking rest. The young red hair boy asked them to me in the public meeting. Within fifteen minutes he came back with more than 200 people. The white hair journalist became happy, but I was not given a chance to address the people. In fact today I was not interested in it.


21 September
Today I have submitted a letter to the white hair journalist. In this letter I have explained that his movement is not a scientific movement. According to the Constitution of Indian, both houses of Parliament have right to create a new state for the benefit of the people. India is country that has unity in diversity. I requested him to think over this movement again. When I was submitting the letter I had two books in my hand. The white hair Journalist said, '' You are born with books?'' He tried to convince me regarding this movement but his words had no capacity to change my mind. I have left this movement. Now I do not want to meet any one. I just want to stay in my Omen and think more and more about all the things. One thing is very clear to me, I have done a lot of public experiments, and I have ability to change public mind. Now my mind is calm. What a hectic life I have lead!


22 September

After a long while, I drunk too much today. In fact I was very much tired. Leading needs more energy. The director of the English Institute was sitting with me. He loved the blond girl so much. His strong father had warned him many times not to marry with her as she did not belong to his caste. He did not want to go against the will of his father. He had started some new batches. He told me that the painter girl had also come to his institute but she did not take admission. Earlier I had told him about the painter girl. He told me a lot of things about his earlier life. I discussed with him about my political adventure. He told me that he had no interest in politics. Too much drinking is always bad. When he left me, I went to the painter girl's house. I was in a drunken state so I stood before her house so that I could see her once. But it was too late. The door was locked and all the members of her family had slept. Then I went to the black girl's house so that I could see her younger. Here I again saw the closed door. I stood before the door and mumbled, ''All the doors of love are closed.'' I turned back and came to my Omen. I saw the black and white portrait of Hitler. I mumbled before his portrait, ''I know you have killed millions of people; I know your path was wrong; Hitler, you are wrong! But why I follow you? Perhaps I am fade up with the leaders of my country who involved in criminal activities.''
Oh ! I am in drunken state. All the faces are moving before my eyes, the yellow eyed girl, the round face girl, the Muslim girl, the black girl, and her younger, the painter, the young director, the professor in-charge, …all one after another. Where is my flute? NO, no, I should sleep.


23 September

I realized the painter girl was sitting on my bed. For a little while I thought I was dreaming.
''You were dreaming about me? '' When she asked to me, I felt it was not a dream.
''What is time?,'' I asked.
''It is 5 a. m. ,'' she answered.
''What are you doing here?'' I asked.
''What you were doing yesterday night before my house?''
''Me?''
''No, your ghost!''
''Oh you saw me''
''Yes! I saw you, you were in a drunken state. Why do you drink too much? ''
''Just for fun.'' I said, taking her hands.
''Now one thing is very clear, you love me too much. ''
''How can you say it?''
''After drinking, you had only one figure in your mind, and that was me. So you love me too much. Now I have seen you, and I am going. ''
''How can you go?''
''Dear, it is early in the morning and my father and mother would be waiting for me. So I have to go.'' she said and stood up. I looked to her without any words.
''Ok. Let me do a miracle.'' she said and bent down and kissed me passionately.
''Good morning, take care. Too much drinking is not good,'' She said and went out.
-------------------------------

The red hair young boy came to meet me today. He sat with me in Omen. He told that he had been Mumbai and had worked there as an assistant director with a famous director. He had also edited a monthly magazine, and for an article he was attacked by the goons of one of the JP Movement leaders. He told me a lot of thing about Mumbai and his life. He wrote poetry. He assured me he would help me if I did anything in future. He, too, realized that the white hair journalist's movement was not scientific. He was in favor of a an ultra Hindu Movement, but I said him such type of movement was not possible. then he asked me why I was impressed with Hitler, I could give him clear cut answer at that time. But I assured him that I was against bloodbath.
-------------

More knowledge; More confusion, No knowledge; No confusion.
-------------
If I were an ox, I would be the happiest creature under the sky! My mind is killing me slowly and gradually.

24 September
Today, secretly I met a leftist leader. He had an award of Rs5 Lac over his head, either or alive or dead. Through his organization he had killed more than 200 people. He asked me to join his revolutionary group for the sake of revolution. He was unmarred man. When I asked him, ''Why do don’t you marry with any one?'' He said, ''I have married with revolution?'' Then I asked him to explain the revolution. He gave me a long lecture about revolution. He wanted to capture all the lands and made a commune. Over the land issue I was not agree with him. I decided to read about the land management. And very soon I encountered again with Jean Jaques Russseau, Recardo and Adam Smith. What is land? Who first captured the land and why? The relation between man and land is immortal, even no country exists without land. Attack and defense are related with land. All the systems made by mankind are based on land. I am trying my level best to understand everything theoretically as well as practically.
I recall my forefathers. When I was only four years old, they killed one of their relatives. I saw the blood, the dead body, the clothes. I was confused to see. At that time I did not understand what had happened around me. I can recall it. It was a land dispute. Land and blood is related. No one can acquire any land with without violence and blood. What Marx waned ---Land for proletariats, What Hitler wanted, --Land for Aryans. What I want--- Land for whom?. Till now I was a romantic revolutionary. Yes I was romantic revolutionary. The basic question is not nation, but the land. All the names and flags of the countries must be burned publicly and all the arms must be thrown away, if blood has to be saved.
But practically it is possible? No, never not at all. If not the whole world go to hell, I will sit in my Omen create my own world. All the revolutions that witnessed blood go down.

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

Some pages of a torn-diary (part 15)

(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale)

12 September
Today when I was sitting in the library, the round face girl came to me and said, ''I want to talk to you.'' I asked her to sit before me but she requested me to come out. I came out. We were standing outside the library under a tree. She told me, ''you know, I want to mediate between you and my friend. Do you love her?' I said to her, ''If you want my answer, you have to give me a hot kiss.''
She became angry and said, ''My sandal number is 6.''
I said, ''If you turn it, it will be 9. Now you want my answer?'' She said nothing but went away. I think I have been an expert in handling girls.
Later the yellow girl came to me and asked, ''What you were demanding from my friend? ''
''A hot kiss, do you understand the meaning of hot kiss?,'' said I.
''I am watching you for a long time. One side you are playing with me and the other side you are trying to catch the Muslim girl. You know you are a hypocrite.''
''My first girl friend has touched me a lesion, both love and marriage are different things. Since then I do not mind to love more than thousands girls. I have already told you, if you love me, love me unconditionally. Why you are possessive to me?
''You will never understand the heart of a woman,'' She told me and went away.

13 September
In a leading news paper of the country an article about Adolf Hitler has has been published. In this article it has been mentioned that Hitler would hate his father and mother, even in his childhood he wanted to kill them. I was surprised to read it. In Mein kamph Hitler has mentioned about his relationship with his father in an interesting way.
His father wanted to make him a civil servant while he was determined to be a great painter. Over this issue both the father and the child were in conflict. But he would love his father too much. He wept bitterly when his mother died. He has mentioned in the Mein Kamph that he wept only two times, first time when his mother died and second time when Germany surrendered before the allied power.
After reading the article I went to the residential office of the newspaper. The editor was sitting in his chambers with his staffs. I said the peon, ''I want to meet the editor.'' He entered into the champers and after a little while he came back and said to me, ''He does not want to meet you.'' Before the peon could understand anything I went straight to the door of the champers and kick it forcefully. The door opened and I tried to enter into the champers. Two guards tried to catch me, but I said boldly, ''Do not harm me, otherwise you will have to pay.'' The old editor looked to me and asked me to sit down. 'What is your problem, young man?' he asked.
''An article has been published in your newspapers about Hitler. And I am not agree with the contents of this article. I want an apology from your newspapers.''
He looked to me surprisingly and said, ''Nazism in Indian! No way. This article has been written by a well-known Journalist who lives in Delhi, and it has been published from Delhi. So in this regard I cannot help you. if you have any objection, you have to write to Delhi editor. Now do not create disturbance here. You may go now.'
''I am going to court.''
''You may.''
Latter I met an advocate and asked him to file a case against this article. Everything was prepared but the case was rejected by the court saying,'' This matter is related with the Nazi movement and has no relativity with this country.''
I came back to my Omen and stood before the portrait of Hitler and said to him, ''Hitler! I tried my level best to save your honors, I have done my best.''

14 September
The Hitler issue has made me popular in the city. All the youths are talking about it. In political circle, specially among youths, I am being recognized due to my fanatic approach to Hitler. At the same young leaders are warning me not to touch Hitler as he has a negative personality in the world History. I have read Gandhi, I have read Marx but realize that Hitler is a name that can lead me to glory in field of politics, at least his name should be used for a little while. I am being called by different youth organizations to deliver my speech. I am thinking to use these opportunities.

16 September
For last two days I have been reading about the history of all political parties in India as well as world. Very seriously I am thinking to make my own political party. I am working hard over the structures of organization. I have read about all types of structure. A group of young people have gathered around me, and they think we can prepare for a revolution. I have realized that the people is looking for a revolution.
One of my childhood friends asked me to meet a well-known political leader who was running an organization. I went there with him. He was sitting in his room with his supporters. He had a locket of Goddess Kali in his neck. From that locket he made sign over my forehead and said, ''now you are my follower, I am your master, I am your teacher. You will do what I tell.''
I asked him, ''How I can be your follower?''
He said, ''I have made a sign over your forehead through this locket of Goddess kali, so you are my follower.''
Then and there I rub the sign by my left hand and looked to him, ''What will you tell now?''
He was surprised over my action.
''I have come here to discuss over the political issues so that I can form an organization. If you satisfy my mind I will follow you, otherwise I would like to move in a dusty storm rather than to follow an unscientific path.'' He became angry and asked me to get out.
Latter my friend told me, ''You have gone mad. He was a big leader in this state. He will be supportive in your so called revolution.''
I said to him, '' I do not want to be follower. I want to be a leader, and I will create more and more leaders who can organize the masses.


17 September
I am sitting in my Omen alone and thinking about all my activities. I am mentally preparing myself for the revolution. Again and again I think about the revolution. I am thinking about the peasants, workers, students, women and all the political parties who are dealing them, above all I am thinking to form an armed gang who will not only protect us from others political parties but also I will be in position to threat them. I am thinking about the name, flag and logo of my political party. I want an issue that can touch the heart of millions of millions people. I am leader, and I leader should know all the things.
I need a revolutionary formula. All the society has been divided on the base of casts. I want the support of all the castes. Again and again I ask myself ''Can I do it?'' and I feel I can do it successfully. The state is divided into two parts by the central government, and protest and violence has started. Let me decide my role.

18 September
A well known Journalist has formed an organization against the partisan of the state. I am asked to join the organization. I am little confused about it. I want a national revolution while it is a regional issue. After a deep thinking I have come to the conclusion that our nation is under a huge debt, and the new economic policy is not fit for our nation. We have only one alternative to get rid off the International debt, We have to deny to return the international debt as a nation. Is it possible? As a nation we can be independent? We can feed our population and manage our economy independently? How people will react over these issues? How far the Journalist's organization is helpful in my national objectives? I should join this organization in order to create awareness among people regarding the national debt. For a long time, we are being denied for the membership of the security council of the United Nation of Organization. It may be a public issue. I am going to join this organization.


19 September
Today I met the white hair journalist, and he greeted me in his organization. He was preparing for a demonstration and a public meeting against the partisan of the state. I was asked to work for this organization. I was given a car and a loudspeaker and two helpers by the white hair Journalist. I started to address people on the roads. I was just speaking about national debt and the Security Council. I tried my level best to prove that this partisan was also a part of international conspiracy. Surprisingly people were listening me, and I could see their attentive eyes and burning minds. I was changing places after fifteen minutes. I addressed more than thirty public meetings. When I came to the railway station and started addressing the people, one of the helper came to me and said, ''You just leading the organization in the wrong direction, partisan is not the part of international conspiracy. You are not allowed to say it. Be careful. I looked to him and said, ''I know what I am doing. You are free to address the people. I will not do it now.'' I came back to Omen, and thought about it a lot. I have to act strategically next day, the day of big public meeting and demonstration. I am waiting for tomorrow.

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.