(by Alok nandna Dedicated to a Nightingale)
15 October
I am a man without dream and hope. I am sinking deep in the world of sorrow and trying hard to find out my goal. A man cannot be imagined without dream, efforts, failure and success. I think and think and think only. I do not need women, I do not need friends, I want my goal only. How can I get it? Who will help me to get my goal? I spend my whole day moving here and there. I went to my old school in the evening and sat in the class-room till late night alone. I sit at the same place where I would sit as a blooming boy in the class room. I recall all the faces, the boys, the teachers, the peon, the principal. I am unable to understand the importance of all the education that has been given to me. I can recall I was not ready to accept their words, and I was always threatened by the teachers. In stead of class-rooms, I would walk to the nearby theatres for morning movies shows.
16. October
The dates of the final examination have been declared by the Institute of Journalism. All the students are busy in preparations. They are exchanging notes and books. But do not care about notes and books. Even I do not care about the examinations. Let them read I will go according to my own ways. This examination culture never attracts me. The yellow eyes girls came to my Omen today with the round face girl. They were talking a lot of the examination. I was not talking interest in their words, I am still struggling against the shadow of my father.
I drank badly the late night with the young director. As usual he told me a lot of stories about women. I was dead drunk when I came back in my Omen. I stood before the portrait of Adolf Hitler and tried to recall his words against his father. In a fit of frustration, I said again and again, '' I am good for nothing. I am good for nothing.'' I fell down on the ground.
18. October
There is a pain in my whole body. I have been laying on the bed for two days. I have seen some black spots over my face, these are the results of too much drinking. I want a peaceful life. The black's girl younger has sent a letter to me through her brother. I have read it again and again. I feel she is a passionate girl. She may be helpful to me. I am thinking to call her. But she will ask a lot of questions seeing my distorted face. I cannot move outsides Omen with this face. I should stay here. I open an old box and search it without any object. I get my revolver in this box, made of chine. Seeing this revolver, a suicidal approach emerges in my mind. I take the revolver and check it and then put it on my head. I think what will happen if I shoot myself. People will come to my Omen and will see my dead body and talk about me. How they will talk about me? I look to the picture of Adolf Hitler and think about his death. It is very easy to kill other man than to kill oneself. Undoubtedly Hitler was a brave man. He finished himself. I think about his all group who committed suicide with him, Gobels, his wife and their children. It was a collective suicide. The word of Durkhim comes in my mind, ''both life and death forces exist in a human being. Both have same intensity. Oh! What I am thinking? I am thinking to kill myself? But why? Because I have been stopped by my father? Knovalov, a hard drinker character of Maxim Gorki emerges before my eyes. I listen the sounds of his words,'' How a man can stand when all the black forces of the world are ready to push him down? I want to live but see nothing to catch. I do not believe in wife, children and land. I have no hunger for them. How a man does spend his life kissing the same lips again and again? I do not know what I want? And no one can tell me what I want.'' When I write I feel I am discharging my all worries. Oh ! Now I am very much relaxed to write it. Now I want to walk out side my Omen.
20 October.
I read the pages of books but do not understand its meaning, something is going on very deep in my mind, but I am unable to recognize it. What is it? I am not sure. I know no one can help me, and above all I cannot ask for help to any one. Perhaps my fighting sprit has been killed. I think about Nepolian Bonapart, alone in the Sent Hellena Island. He was captured after Waterloo and spent six years there. What he would do there? He would talk to himself, and would think about all his 40 battles. I am just like him, alone in my Omen and think about my Russian venture. My empire has been destructed before its construction, and the world will never know anything about it. Nepolian would say, my ideas have been stolen by the world after my defeat and I say, my ideas have been aborted before its birth. I am in more painful condition than would be Nepolian. The life is a hell to me. Let me think something different. But what? About girls! About wine ? Or About these books...? Yes about these books. Let me read something. But I know reading is not my medicine. My body is fit, my mind is fit but my soul has been wounded, and nothing can heal a wounded soul.
21 October.
All the students of Journalism have been asked to submit a project. They have been guided to make a practical copy whatever subject they like. Girls are interested in fashion worlds and boys are interested in politics and day to day activities. They are discussing more and more over this project but I am not sure what I should do? After a little thought I decided to work over the concept of Unification of India, Pakistan and Bangla desh. I pick up the map of all the three countries and creates ten questions regarding this issues. All questions are yes or no format. I personally visits to some unknown people and ask these questions. I interview more than hundred people and convert all the information into statistics. The result of this survey is amazing. 98 percent people think that the unification of all these three countries should be done, but 100 percent people think that it is impossible. When I arrange all the information in a proper way, I start thinking of the lay out. The first Volume of Das Capital by Karl Marx catches my eyes. I adopt the lay out of this first German Volume, although I know nothing about the German language. I work with two sketch pens...red and black and write over it..'' The Survey of The unification of glory.'' Now I am highly satisfied with this project work. Let me see what other students have done with this project.
15 October
I am a man without dream and hope. I am sinking deep in the world of sorrow and trying hard to find out my goal. A man cannot be imagined without dream, efforts, failure and success. I think and think and think only. I do not need women, I do not need friends, I want my goal only. How can I get it? Who will help me to get my goal? I spend my whole day moving here and there. I went to my old school in the evening and sat in the class-room till late night alone. I sit at the same place where I would sit as a blooming boy in the class room. I recall all the faces, the boys, the teachers, the peon, the principal. I am unable to understand the importance of all the education that has been given to me. I can recall I was not ready to accept their words, and I was always threatened by the teachers. In stead of class-rooms, I would walk to the nearby theatres for morning movies shows.
16. October
The dates of the final examination have been declared by the Institute of Journalism. All the students are busy in preparations. They are exchanging notes and books. But do not care about notes and books. Even I do not care about the examinations. Let them read I will go according to my own ways. This examination culture never attracts me. The yellow eyes girls came to my Omen today with the round face girl. They were talking a lot of the examination. I was not talking interest in their words, I am still struggling against the shadow of my father.
I drank badly the late night with the young director. As usual he told me a lot of stories about women. I was dead drunk when I came back in my Omen. I stood before the portrait of Adolf Hitler and tried to recall his words against his father. In a fit of frustration, I said again and again, '' I am good for nothing. I am good for nothing.'' I fell down on the ground.
18. October
There is a pain in my whole body. I have been laying on the bed for two days. I have seen some black spots over my face, these are the results of too much drinking. I want a peaceful life. The black's girl younger has sent a letter to me through her brother. I have read it again and again. I feel she is a passionate girl. She may be helpful to me. I am thinking to call her. But she will ask a lot of questions seeing my distorted face. I cannot move outsides Omen with this face. I should stay here. I open an old box and search it without any object. I get my revolver in this box, made of chine. Seeing this revolver, a suicidal approach emerges in my mind. I take the revolver and check it and then put it on my head. I think what will happen if I shoot myself. People will come to my Omen and will see my dead body and talk about me. How they will talk about me? I look to the picture of Adolf Hitler and think about his death. It is very easy to kill other man than to kill oneself. Undoubtedly Hitler was a brave man. He finished himself. I think about his all group who committed suicide with him, Gobels, his wife and their children. It was a collective suicide. The word of Durkhim comes in my mind, ''both life and death forces exist in a human being. Both have same intensity. Oh! What I am thinking? I am thinking to kill myself? But why? Because I have been stopped by my father? Knovalov, a hard drinker character of Maxim Gorki emerges before my eyes. I listen the sounds of his words,'' How a man can stand when all the black forces of the world are ready to push him down? I want to live but see nothing to catch. I do not believe in wife, children and land. I have no hunger for them. How a man does spend his life kissing the same lips again and again? I do not know what I want? And no one can tell me what I want.'' When I write I feel I am discharging my all worries. Oh ! Now I am very much relaxed to write it. Now I want to walk out side my Omen.
20 October.
I read the pages of books but do not understand its meaning, something is going on very deep in my mind, but I am unable to recognize it. What is it? I am not sure. I know no one can help me, and above all I cannot ask for help to any one. Perhaps my fighting sprit has been killed. I think about Nepolian Bonapart, alone in the Sent Hellena Island. He was captured after Waterloo and spent six years there. What he would do there? He would talk to himself, and would think about all his 40 battles. I am just like him, alone in my Omen and think about my Russian venture. My empire has been destructed before its construction, and the world will never know anything about it. Nepolian would say, my ideas have been stolen by the world after my defeat and I say, my ideas have been aborted before its birth. I am in more painful condition than would be Nepolian. The life is a hell to me. Let me think something different. But what? About girls! About wine ? Or About these books...? Yes about these books. Let me read something. But I know reading is not my medicine. My body is fit, my mind is fit but my soul has been wounded, and nothing can heal a wounded soul.
21 October.
All the students of Journalism have been asked to submit a project. They have been guided to make a practical copy whatever subject they like. Girls are interested in fashion worlds and boys are interested in politics and day to day activities. They are discussing more and more over this project but I am not sure what I should do? After a little thought I decided to work over the concept of Unification of India, Pakistan and Bangla desh. I pick up the map of all the three countries and creates ten questions regarding this issues. All questions are yes or no format. I personally visits to some unknown people and ask these questions. I interview more than hundred people and convert all the information into statistics. The result of this survey is amazing. 98 percent people think that the unification of all these three countries should be done, but 100 percent people think that it is impossible. When I arrange all the information in a proper way, I start thinking of the lay out. The first Volume of Das Capital by Karl Marx catches my eyes. I adopt the lay out of this first German Volume, although I know nothing about the German language. I work with two sketch pens...red and black and write over it..'' The Survey of The unification of glory.'' Now I am highly satisfied with this project work. Let me see what other students have done with this project.
22 October.
This project work has pushed me deep into the mysterious
cave of history. My mind is moving around the unification of Italy and Germany. Around Mezni, the soul of Italy ! Around Gareboldy, the sword of Italy ! And around Count Caboure, the mind of Italy!!! I can feel the strength of these heroes. I can see the shining eyes of Bismark. I can listen his words, ''All the problems of this world are solved not through talks but iron and rod. '' A man who sees dreams with open eyes has ability to lead the world. Now I am very much enthusiastic and energetic, let me enjoy this world again with new life and new mind. Round face girl! Where are your! Yellow eyes girl ! Where are you ! My black darling! Where are you ! You all come to me, I will love all of you together. Yes! I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.
23 October.
All the students are submitting their project works one by one to the professor in-charge. Ah! He is always funny with his clumsy dress. My project work is moving all around the class, from one hand to another hand, while I am sitting in a corner and reading Sons and lovers by Thomas Hardy. The Muslim girl comes to me says, ''To much reading is not good to mind.'' I look to her. She seems beautiful and attractive. I smile and say,'' You are looking beautiful. ''
''I never like these words. Have you submitted your project work.''
''No. But just about to submit it.''
''May I see it.''
''Why not, but you have to wait because it is moving all around the class. You know all the students want to see it,'' I say proudly.
''I do not want to see it. I have made my own project. Do you want to see it? ''
''Of course.''
She gives me her project work. Theme of her project is women under Islam rules. I turn the pages of her project and realize that this girl has a beautiful mind behind tough nature.
"What are you thinking? '' She asks to me.
''I always think to kiss you in a violent way, but today I want to hug you pleasantly.''
For a little while she looks to me with surprise and asks, ''Why?''
''Because I am falling in love with you.''
''Just shut up !''
She takes her project work from my hand and goes away. I again turn to Sons and lovers.
Later I am called by the professor in-charge. He is very angry to see the lay out of my project.
''What is it?'' he asks to me.
''My project.'' I say.
''Who will understand it? What is the importance of this project?''
''You will not understand it? ''
''No.''
''Then throw it away.''
''Are you going to submit another project?''
''Never! Because I know I have done my best. Now the ball is in your court, whatever you like you do it.''
I say and come out of his room.
Latter I am informed that my project has been thrown away, but I am happy that my work has ability to react people fanatically.
If people react to see you or to here you, it means you are alive...your soul is alive!!! Yes I am alive!! My soul is alive !!!
This project work has pushed me deep into the mysterious
cave of history. My mind is moving around the unification of Italy and Germany. Around Mezni, the soul of Italy ! Around Gareboldy, the sword of Italy ! And around Count Caboure, the mind of Italy!!! I can feel the strength of these heroes. I can see the shining eyes of Bismark. I can listen his words, ''All the problems of this world are solved not through talks but iron and rod. '' A man who sees dreams with open eyes has ability to lead the world. Now I am very much enthusiastic and energetic, let me enjoy this world again with new life and new mind. Round face girl! Where are your! Yellow eyes girl ! Where are you ! My black darling! Where are you ! You all come to me, I will love all of you together. Yes! I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.
23 October.
All the students are submitting their project works one by one to the professor in-charge. Ah! He is always funny with his clumsy dress. My project work is moving all around the class, from one hand to another hand, while I am sitting in a corner and reading Sons and lovers by Thomas Hardy. The Muslim girl comes to me says, ''To much reading is not good to mind.'' I look to her. She seems beautiful and attractive. I smile and say,'' You are looking beautiful. ''
''I never like these words. Have you submitted your project work.''
''No. But just about to submit it.''
''May I see it.''
''Why not, but you have to wait because it is moving all around the class. You know all the students want to see it,'' I say proudly.
''I do not want to see it. I have made my own project. Do you want to see it? ''
''Of course.''
She gives me her project work. Theme of her project is women under Islam rules. I turn the pages of her project and realize that this girl has a beautiful mind behind tough nature.
"What are you thinking? '' She asks to me.
''I always think to kiss you in a violent way, but today I want to hug you pleasantly.''
For a little while she looks to me with surprise and asks, ''Why?''
''Because I am falling in love with you.''
''Just shut up !''
She takes her project work from my hand and goes away. I again turn to Sons and lovers.
Later I am called by the professor in-charge. He is very angry to see the lay out of my project.
''What is it?'' he asks to me.
''My project.'' I say.
''Who will understand it? What is the importance of this project?''
''You will not understand it? ''
''No.''
''Then throw it away.''
''Are you going to submit another project?''
''Never! Because I know I have done my best. Now the ball is in your court, whatever you like you do it.''
I say and come out of his room.
Latter I am informed that my project has been thrown away, but I am happy that my work has ability to react people fanatically.
If people react to see you or to here you, it means you are alive...your soul is alive!!! Yes I am alive!! My soul is alive !!!
2 comments:
Alok,
I'm so pleased to see your torn diary again. The unification of India with Pakistan and is an interesting idea. I enjoyed how you wove the different philosophers into your writing.
The emotional description of distress and rebirth was very real. The combination of the three made it very interesting to read.
Lara
Lara!!!
My english spelling is
terribles...I am sure....Three are not philosphers but worriers, the leders of Unification of Italy and Geremany....Bismark was the German chancellor, who united Germany in 1871.....At the same time all the three leaders were playing the same roles for the unification of Itllay...I love Gerriboldy (I do not know the real spelling of his name...), the sword of Italy..Counnt Cabur was the mind of Italy, and Mejini!!! I know I am misspelling the exact word, Sorry for it...I Love Megini, the soul of Italy, he is called on the world theatre....
Distress!! and Re-birth!!!yes Re-birth!!! It sounds good...But distress is not death, so how re-birth is possible from distress.... I like your attention a lot, it has any meaning? I do not know. But sometimes I love to writer with thinking, and it will give me a of pleasure.......
I always follows a Nightingale, it sings and I write. I am too pleased to turn to my torn diary...
Am I will try my best to post the next part today....
Do you think that the Unification of Indian, Pakistan and Bangla Desh is possible?
Do you know what is said about Mejini to his nation,'' You give me good mothers, and I will give you a good nation. He was always sad over the condition of all Italy, Italy was diveded into many parts,--Perhaps six most important states...somewhere small republics....Germany was diveded into more than 600 small states...and it was uified by Bismark.....I do not know it has any sense or not. The India and Bangla Desh is playing a cricket match today.....
Well, I like to write you always...
Alok nandan
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