Some pages of a torn-diary (part 16)
(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale)

20 September
Under the statue of Jay Prakash Narayan, the public meeting was held against the partisan of the state. Jay Prakash is known as JP and his movement is known as JP Movement. The slogan of this movement was ''complete revolution.'' I have read about this movement very keenly. People never like stagnation. Then Congress party was the sole ruler of this country since 15 August 1947.There was a natural dissatisfaction among the people. All the major opposition leaders targeted Iron lady of India. First time an anti-congress movement emerged in this country under the leadership of JP in 1974. On 25 April 1976 the election of Lady Iron was declared null and void and national emergency was imposed. Later the Iron lady was thrown away and anti-congress government first time came into power. JP did a blunder here like Gandhi had done after independence. He did not take any post because he wanted to serve the nation and its people without taking any post. It was a ridiculous mistake because where there is politics there is power, there is no politics without power. With the throwing away the Iron lady of Indian from the power, the JP Movement or the total revolution came to its zenith. Now this complete revolution had no further programs, theoretically it had targeted its goal. Before the eyes of JP, power clash started among the leaders and the whole movement converted into a funny game-power games that are common in democratic formats.
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I was sitting under the statue of JP with many people. The round face girl and the yellow eye girl were sitting besides me. All the students of Journalism had been invited and most of them were present. One after another speakers were addressing but I was busy with the two girls. They were so near to me that I could feel the warmth of their bodies. The yellow eyed girl was making a frog from a paper and I was watching her keenly. She made a jumping frog and gave to me. I asked her, ''what is it? '' She told, ''You tell me what is it.'' I looked to the statue of JP and told, ''It is like JP. It can jump only but can never touch the un-limit sky.''
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Media men were coming and going. After 2 o' clock most people went away. The white hair journalist was asked to bring more people. The young boy who first day supported me in the class room went to Gandhi Ground. It was a big ground where people coming from the nearby city villages would sit and rest. A rally of middle school teachers was organized there. Now all the teachers were taking rest. The young red hair boy asked them to me in the public meeting. Within fifteen minutes he came back with more than 200 people. The white hair journalist became happy, but I was not given a chance to address the people. In fact today I was not interested in it.


21 September
Today I have submitted a letter to the white hair journalist. In this letter I have explained that his movement is not a scientific movement. According to the Constitution of Indian, both houses of Parliament have right to create a new state for the benefit of the people. India is country that has unity in diversity. I requested him to think over this movement again. When I was submitting the letter I had two books in my hand. The white hair Journalist said, '' You are born with books?'' He tried to convince me regarding this movement but his words had no capacity to change my mind. I have left this movement. Now I do not want to meet any one. I just want to stay in my Omen and think more and more about all the things. One thing is very clear to me, I have done a lot of public experiments, and I have ability to change public mind. Now my mind is calm. What a hectic life I have lead!


22 September

After a long while, I drunk too much today. In fact I was very much tired. Leading needs more energy. The director of the English Institute was sitting with me. He loved the blond girl so much. His strong father had warned him many times not to marry with her as she did not belong to his caste. He did not want to go against the will of his father. He had started some new batches. He told me that the painter girl had also come to his institute but she did not take admission. Earlier I had told him about the painter girl. He told me a lot of things about his earlier life. I discussed with him about my political adventure. He told me that he had no interest in politics. Too much drinking is always bad. When he left me, I went to the painter girl's house. I was in a drunken state so I stood before her house so that I could see her once. But it was too late. The door was locked and all the members of her family had slept. Then I went to the black girl's house so that I could see her younger. Here I again saw the closed door. I stood before the door and mumbled, ''All the doors of love are closed.'' I turned back and came to my Omen. I saw the black and white portrait of Hitler. I mumbled before his portrait, ''I know you have killed millions of people; I know your path was wrong; Hitler, you are wrong! But why I follow you? Perhaps I am fade up with the leaders of my country who involved in criminal activities.''
Oh ! I am in drunken state. All the faces are moving before my eyes, the yellow eyed girl, the round face girl, the Muslim girl, the black girl, and her younger, the painter, the young director, the professor in-charge, …all one after another. Where is my flute? NO, no, I should sleep.


23 September

I realized the painter girl was sitting on my bed. For a little while I thought I was dreaming.
''You were dreaming about me? '' When she asked to me, I felt it was not a dream.
''What is time?,'' I asked.
''It is 5 a. m. ,'' she answered.
''What are you doing here?'' I asked.
''What you were doing yesterday night before my house?''
''Me?''
''No, your ghost!''
''Oh you saw me''
''Yes! I saw you, you were in a drunken state. Why do you drink too much? ''
''Just for fun.'' I said, taking her hands.
''Now one thing is very clear, you love me too much. ''
''How can you say it?''
''After drinking, you had only one figure in your mind, and that was me. So you love me too much. Now I have seen you, and I am going. ''
''How can you go?''
''Dear, it is early in the morning and my father and mother would be waiting for me. So I have to go.'' she said and stood up. I looked to her without any words.
''Ok. Let me do a miracle.'' she said and bent down and kissed me passionately.
''Good morning, take care. Too much drinking is not good,'' She said and went out.
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The red hair young boy came to meet me today. He sat with me in Omen. He told that he had been Mumbai and had worked there as an assistant director with a famous director. He had also edited a monthly magazine, and for an article he was attacked by the goons of one of the JP Movement leaders. He told me a lot of thing about Mumbai and his life. He wrote poetry. He assured me he would help me if I did anything in future. He, too, realized that the white hair journalist's movement was not scientific. He was in favor of a an ultra Hindu Movement, but I said him such type of movement was not possible. then he asked me why I was impressed with Hitler, I could give him clear cut answer at that time. But I assured him that I was against bloodbath.
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More knowledge; More confusion, No knowledge; No confusion.
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If I were an ox, I would be the happiest creature under the sky! My mind is killing me slowly and gradually.

24 September
Today, secretly I met a leftist leader. He had an award of Rs5 Lac over his head, either or alive or dead. Through his organization he had killed more than 200 people. He asked me to join his revolutionary group for the sake of revolution. He was unmarred man. When I asked him, ''Why do don’t you marry with any one?'' He said, ''I have married with revolution?'' Then I asked him to explain the revolution. He gave me a long lecture about revolution. He wanted to capture all the lands and made a commune. Over the land issue I was not agree with him. I decided to read about the land management. And very soon I encountered again with Jean Jaques Russseau, Recardo and Adam Smith. What is land? Who first captured the land and why? The relation between man and land is immortal, even no country exists without land. Attack and defense are related with land. All the systems made by mankind are based on land. I am trying my level best to understand everything theoretically as well as practically.
I recall my forefathers. When I was only four years old, they killed one of their relatives. I saw the blood, the dead body, the clothes. I was confused to see. At that time I did not understand what had happened around me. I can recall it. It was a land dispute. Land and blood is related. No one can acquire any land with without violence and blood. What Marx waned ---Land for proletariats, What Hitler wanted, --Land for Aryans. What I want--- Land for whom?. Till now I was a romantic revolutionary. Yes I was romantic revolutionary. The basic question is not nation, but the land. All the names and flags of the countries must be burned publicly and all the arms must be thrown away, if blood has to be saved.
But practically it is possible? No, never not at all. If not the whole world go to hell, I will sit in my Omen create my own world. All the revolutions that witnessed blood go down.

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

Some pages of a torn-diary (part 15)

(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale)

12 September
Today when I was sitting in the library, the round face girl came to me and said, ''I want to talk to you.'' I asked her to sit before me but she requested me to come out. I came out. We were standing outside the library under a tree. She told me, ''you know, I want to mediate between you and my friend. Do you love her?' I said to her, ''If you want my answer, you have to give me a hot kiss.''
She became angry and said, ''My sandal number is 6.''
I said, ''If you turn it, it will be 9. Now you want my answer?'' She said nothing but went away. I think I have been an expert in handling girls.
Later the yellow girl came to me and asked, ''What you were demanding from my friend? ''
''A hot kiss, do you understand the meaning of hot kiss?,'' said I.
''I am watching you for a long time. One side you are playing with me and the other side you are trying to catch the Muslim girl. You know you are a hypocrite.''
''My first girl friend has touched me a lesion, both love and marriage are different things. Since then I do not mind to love more than thousands girls. I have already told you, if you love me, love me unconditionally. Why you are possessive to me?
''You will never understand the heart of a woman,'' She told me and went away.

13 September
In a leading news paper of the country an article about Adolf Hitler has has been published. In this article it has been mentioned that Hitler would hate his father and mother, even in his childhood he wanted to kill them. I was surprised to read it. In Mein kamph Hitler has mentioned about his relationship with his father in an interesting way.
His father wanted to make him a civil servant while he was determined to be a great painter. Over this issue both the father and the child were in conflict. But he would love his father too much. He wept bitterly when his mother died. He has mentioned in the Mein Kamph that he wept only two times, first time when his mother died and second time when Germany surrendered before the allied power.
After reading the article I went to the residential office of the newspaper. The editor was sitting in his chambers with his staffs. I said the peon, ''I want to meet the editor.'' He entered into the champers and after a little while he came back and said to me, ''He does not want to meet you.'' Before the peon could understand anything I went straight to the door of the champers and kick it forcefully. The door opened and I tried to enter into the champers. Two guards tried to catch me, but I said boldly, ''Do not harm me, otherwise you will have to pay.'' The old editor looked to me and asked me to sit down. 'What is your problem, young man?' he asked.
''An article has been published in your newspapers about Hitler. And I am not agree with the contents of this article. I want an apology from your newspapers.''
He looked to me surprisingly and said, ''Nazism in Indian! No way. This article has been written by a well-known Journalist who lives in Delhi, and it has been published from Delhi. So in this regard I cannot help you. if you have any objection, you have to write to Delhi editor. Now do not create disturbance here. You may go now.'
''I am going to court.''
''You may.''
Latter I met an advocate and asked him to file a case against this article. Everything was prepared but the case was rejected by the court saying,'' This matter is related with the Nazi movement and has no relativity with this country.''
I came back to my Omen and stood before the portrait of Hitler and said to him, ''Hitler! I tried my level best to save your honors, I have done my best.''

14 September
The Hitler issue has made me popular in the city. All the youths are talking about it. In political circle, specially among youths, I am being recognized due to my fanatic approach to Hitler. At the same young leaders are warning me not to touch Hitler as he has a negative personality in the world History. I have read Gandhi, I have read Marx but realize that Hitler is a name that can lead me to glory in field of politics, at least his name should be used for a little while. I am being called by different youth organizations to deliver my speech. I am thinking to use these opportunities.

16 September
For last two days I have been reading about the history of all political parties in India as well as world. Very seriously I am thinking to make my own political party. I am working hard over the structures of organization. I have read about all types of structure. A group of young people have gathered around me, and they think we can prepare for a revolution. I have realized that the people is looking for a revolution.
One of my childhood friends asked me to meet a well-known political leader who was running an organization. I went there with him. He was sitting in his room with his supporters. He had a locket of Goddess Kali in his neck. From that locket he made sign over my forehead and said, ''now you are my follower, I am your master, I am your teacher. You will do what I tell.''
I asked him, ''How I can be your follower?''
He said, ''I have made a sign over your forehead through this locket of Goddess kali, so you are my follower.''
Then and there I rub the sign by my left hand and looked to him, ''What will you tell now?''
He was surprised over my action.
''I have come here to discuss over the political issues so that I can form an organization. If you satisfy my mind I will follow you, otherwise I would like to move in a dusty storm rather than to follow an unscientific path.'' He became angry and asked me to get out.
Latter my friend told me, ''You have gone mad. He was a big leader in this state. He will be supportive in your so called revolution.''
I said to him, '' I do not want to be follower. I want to be a leader, and I will create more and more leaders who can organize the masses.


17 September
I am sitting in my Omen alone and thinking about all my activities. I am mentally preparing myself for the revolution. Again and again I think about the revolution. I am thinking about the peasants, workers, students, women and all the political parties who are dealing them, above all I am thinking to form an armed gang who will not only protect us from others political parties but also I will be in position to threat them. I am thinking about the name, flag and logo of my political party. I want an issue that can touch the heart of millions of millions people. I am leader, and I leader should know all the things.
I need a revolutionary formula. All the society has been divided on the base of casts. I want the support of all the castes. Again and again I ask myself ''Can I do it?'' and I feel I can do it successfully. The state is divided into two parts by the central government, and protest and violence has started. Let me decide my role.

18 September
A well known Journalist has formed an organization against the partisan of the state. I am asked to join the organization. I am little confused about it. I want a national revolution while it is a regional issue. After a deep thinking I have come to the conclusion that our nation is under a huge debt, and the new economic policy is not fit for our nation. We have only one alternative to get rid off the International debt, We have to deny to return the international debt as a nation. Is it possible? As a nation we can be independent? We can feed our population and manage our economy independently? How people will react over these issues? How far the Journalist's organization is helpful in my national objectives? I should join this organization in order to create awareness among people regarding the national debt. For a long time, we are being denied for the membership of the security council of the United Nation of Organization. It may be a public issue. I am going to join this organization.


19 September
Today I met the white hair journalist, and he greeted me in his organization. He was preparing for a demonstration and a public meeting against the partisan of the state. I was asked to work for this organization. I was given a car and a loudspeaker and two helpers by the white hair Journalist. I started to address people on the roads. I was just speaking about national debt and the Security Council. I tried my level best to prove that this partisan was also a part of international conspiracy. Surprisingly people were listening me, and I could see their attentive eyes and burning minds. I was changing places after fifteen minutes. I addressed more than thirty public meetings. When I came to the railway station and started addressing the people, one of the helper came to me and said, ''You just leading the organization in the wrong direction, partisan is not the part of international conspiracy. You are not allowed to say it. Be careful. I looked to him and said, ''I know what I am doing. You are free to address the people. I will not do it now.'' I came back to Omen, and thought about it a lot. I have to act strategically next day, the day of big public meeting and demonstration. I am waiting for tomorrow.

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

Some pages of a torn- diary (part 14)

(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale)

9 September

The lady Chatterly's lover came to me with her story. He was with her yesterday night, drinking and talking. She was very happy to read my notes. She opened her heart before him. She told him that her husband was a very good man. Before marriage she was continuously sleeping with men as she was living in a hostel and was enjoying hostel's life. But after marriage she decided to stay with her husband honestly. She became the mother of a boy-child. Life was going well. One day one of her husband's friends came to stay with them for a week. She fell in love with him. She was copulating with him in her bed room and her husband came all of sudden. Since then her life turned into hell. Her husband would sit in his armchair and smoke cigrets continuously, staring the ceiling. She was very sorry for him. One day he went away without any words. But he was sending money continuously for her and the boy. She is very sad, and I can feel her sadness, although I have not seen her. I just remember the words of Shakespeare ''Frailty, thy name is woman! It is an act of frailty? I think over it again and again, but get no satisfactory answer. But one thing is very clear to me that she is a sad woman, after committing this act. Why she is suffering? She has enjoyed her best time with another man, now she is suffering! Why? Why?? Why??? Her sexual pleasure has converted into suffering ? She has lost her husband, and all her happiness. What is happiness? How an act of pleasure converts into suffering? Is there any co-relation between happiness and suffering? An act of pleasure suddenly converts into suffering! Oh I am loosing my ability to think over it. Lady chatterly is sad now, and I am too. She is my unseen love, I realize it from the bottom of my heart. I cannot take her pain but al least I can try my best to get a perfect answer regarding her suffering.

10 September

Lord Krishna says, ''Whatever thou doest, whatever thou eatest, whatever thou offerest, whatever thou givest away, whatever activities thou practisest – do that as an offering to me.''
Whatever My lady Cahtterly pracitsest was not the offering to God? If we believer in fatalistic ideas, it was the God's will. Then why she is suffering? why?
Marx and Engle believe in a word where no woman is forced to surrender before any man without her will. Is My Lady Chatterly wrong according to this philosophy. No, not at all. Then why she is suffering?
Manu says, ''He who sacrifices to the 'self', equally recognizing self, in all created beings and all created beings in the self, becomes like an autocrat and self–luminous.''
Can this words of Manu heel my lady Chatteryly?


11 September

I was sitting in a library when the Muslim girl came to me. She was looking very happy, while I was collecting some good words from different books for my lady Cahtterly. I wanted to provide a new note regarding love, hate, frailty, sacrifice, suffering etc. She sat besides me and asked, ''What are you doing?'' I told her the whole story about the lady Chatterly. She listened me patiently and said, ''You always think deep, and it is not good for a young man. I have a good book for you. Just see it.'' She gave me ''Nothing lasts forever'' by Sidney Sheldon.'' It is a good book and I think you will enjoy it. You just read the page number 86.'' She opened the page number 86. ''Let me read it for you. There is a character in this book named Honey. First time having copulated with Merton in his car accidentally, she realized the wonderful experience of a man power. Do you know what she did latter? ''
''How can I know? '' I said.
''Let me read for you,'' she said and started reading the second paragraph of the page number 86, these sentences were marked by a red marker, in an exciting tone, ''She raced through the pages of The Perfumed Garden, and the Kama Sutra, the Tibetan Arts of love, The Alchemy of Esctasy, and then went back for more. She read the words of Gedun Chopel and arcane and accounts of kanchinatha.''
For a little while looked to me, and went ahead with the second paragraph, ''Honey became an expert of the eight types of oral sex, and the paths of the sixteen pleasures, and the ecstasy of the string of marbles. She knew how to teach a man to perform karuna, to intensify his pleasure.'' In a sinking voice she read the last sentence, ''In theory, at least.''
''You are an interesting girl. But may I know why are you reading these sentences for me. '' I asked.
''I want to know about Perfumed Garden, the Kama Sutra, the Tibetan Arts of love, The Alchemy of Esctasy, the words of Gedun Chopel and arcane and accounts of kanchinatha.
''You want to do practical ?''
''No, no.I will die, my father will kill me. I want to know the theory, at least.''
''Then search the library. I have Kama Sutra, I will give you. Have you read the Tantrik Sex? ''
''Oh,yes, it is a wonderful book. Thank you very much for the book. Frankly speaking I feel a strong desire to act according the book.
''You want my help? ''
''You go to hell, Never try to cross your limits. ''
''What is my limits?''
''I do not know,'' She told and went away, leaving the book ''Nothing lasts forever'' by Sidney Sheldon. I saw the title of the book again and again – ''Nothing lasts forever.'' I felt the pain of my Lady Chatterly would also go away as ''Nothing lasts forever.''


12 September

Stone walls do not a prison make
Nor iron bars a cage:
Minds innocent and quiet take
That for a hermitage.
If I have freedom in my love,
And in my soul am free,
Angels alone that soar above
Enjoy each liberty.
---- R. Lovelace

O Liberty! What crimes have been committed in thy name ?
------ Mme. Roland.


Not gold, but only men can make
A people great and strong---
Men who, for truth and honor's sake,
Stand fast and suffer long.
Brave men who work while others sleep,
They build a nation's pillars deep,
And lift them to the sky.
-- R.W. Emerson

They are slaves who fear to speak
For the Fallen and the weak;
They are slave who will not choose
Hatred, scoffing, and abuse,
Rather than in silence shrink
From the truth they need must think;
They are slaves who dare not be
In the right with two or three.
-- J.R. Lowell


We cannot all be heroes,
And thrill a hemisphere
With some great and daring venture,
Some deed that mocks at fear;
But we can fill a lifetime
With kindly acts and true.
There's always nobles service
For noble soul to do.
- Charles Mackay

I am sinking deep with the words of great poets and trying my level best to understand the cause of her suffering. I am reading poetry fanatically.

13 September
Higher, higher will we climb
Up to the mountain of glory
That our names may live through time
In our country's story;
Happy, when her welfare calls,
He who conquers, he who falls.

Deeper, deeper let us toil
In the mines of the knowledge;
Nature's wealth and learning's spoil
Win from school and college;
Delve we there for richer gems
Than the stars of diadems.

Onwards, onwards may we press
Through the path of duty.
Virtue is true happiness,
Excellence true beauty.
Minds are celestial birth,
Makes we then a heaven of earth.
--James Montgomery

Virtue is true happiness! What is virtue? What is happiness? My lady Chatterly was happy when she was copulating with a young man. Now she is an unhappy woman due to virtue. So how it can be said that Virtue is true happiness. Virtue is man-made, imposed, while happiness is related with instincts. I want to throw all the virtue into Arabian Sea in order to make her happy. I think, to me, instinct is everything. The virtue is related with religion, it is guided by religion and religious format while instinct is related with nature. It is virtue that has made Lady Chatterly unhappy. Virtue has made mankind sorrowful. Shakespeare is a dolt when he says ''Frailty, thy name is woman! I would like to say, ''Woman! Nothing is like you'' I am thinking to meet Lady Chatterly. But I do not know how.

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

Some pages of a torn- diary (part 13)

(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale)
Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

1 September
I have been reading porn books one after another. First I read the series of play boys. In these books I got a lot of sensuous stories. These are the very cheap books. In field of sex material I am in search of something different. I have bought a book ''Tantrik sex.'' It is an interesting book, revealing secret of sex according to Indian mythology. It talks about seven charkas in human body, and for each charka, a particular mantra has been given. It is a sex methodology, all the leftist followers of Lord Siva believe in this methodology. According to the philosophy of this particular branch of knowledge each man is a god and each woman is a goddess. Both respect each-other as a god and a goddess. The ultimate aim of this branch of knowledge is to get supreme pleasure. It has some interesting rituals. All the rituals take seven nights. Man worships woman and woman worships man in a very systematic and scientific way. At first they communicate each other with words, then they touch each-other bodies gently and find out the most sensuous spot of the bodies. They sit before them and closes there eyes and recites mantras. They do not do sex but just understand each-other mentally and physically. This process goes on seven day. What a beautiful idea it is! A man is a god and a woman is goddess!! I am highly fascinated with the idea! I want to worship a woman in this way. Having read a lot of play boys books, I am aware with the words of organism and G-spot. But I am sure the concept of tantrik sex is far ahead. It respects the body as well as soul. I am going to give this book to the Muslim girl. In India, all the married and unmarried women worship ''the Shiva Linga'' (The penis of Lord Shiva).Tantra is related with Lord Shiva. India has a lot of thing to teach to the civilized World.

2 September
When the director of the English institutes asked me to join a marriage ceremony of his friend's sister in a remote village, I gave my consent quickly. We planed to go there by Bullet motorcycle, Gajraj. A new adventurous journey was waiting for us. We had to cover nearly two hundred kilometers. The sun was setting when we left the city. We had ten bottles of bears. About twelve o' clock in the night, we lost our ways. One of villages told us to take a dry road but he warned against the dust. The young director was so confident of his Bullet that he did not care his warning. I had also drunk too much, so gave my consent for this road. When the bullet entered into the dusty road, we were surprised to see that half the wheels of the bike were under the dry dust. For a little while both of us thought to come back. But some where we felt an adventurous journey was waiting ahead. The director was a very strong man like his bullet. The deep darkness had spread all around the earth. Under the front light of Bullet we could see only the never ending dusty road. The bullet was running ahead and it seemed that a dusty storm had covered us. We covered nearly ten kilometers. When we reached at the marriage ceremony we were looking like dust ghosts. We had a hearty bath at a well. Some of villagers arranged for us Tari (an intoxicated Indian drink comes from a palm tree). We drank too much and enjoyed a lot. Early in the morning we left the place, but this time did not choose the dusty road.

3 September
A hot discussion is going around about Taliban. As a worrier, life of Mullah Omer is attractive but his philosophy is very conservative. The era of barbarism has gone off, the world is not ready to tolerate the destruction of Lord Budha's statutes. They want to make the world hell. Taliban must be stopped.

4 September
One of my friend warned me against the Muslim girl. He told me, ''His father is a magistrate. So keep yourself away from the girl. And besides it one of his brother has a criminal back ground.'' But today I met the Muslim girl and she asked me, what is automated Insulated Sndwich Panel?''
''First let us discuss about the organism and the G-spot, then I will tell you about automated Insulated Sndwich Panel, '' I said emphatically.
''You know, I love America and Americans very much. I have read a lot of books about American's sexual life. In Islam, women are not allowed to discuss these things. I think you can understand me, because I see you always reading books. Now do not humiliate me, I want to have friendship with you. I would like to eat mangoes with you. Now tell me about automated Insulated Sndwich Panel.''
'' It is an thermal element used in building to keep environment cool. Yesterday I was just reading a project, and these words were used in that project.''
''You are clever and lovable.''
''Do not bother about organism, if you want to understand the sex you must read this book,'' I gave her the book ''Tantrik sex.''
''What about the mangoes? '' She asked.
We went to a mango garden named Dhiga. We sat under a tree and asked one of the gardeners to break some testy mangoes. While she was eating mangoes, I was looking into her yes. I mumbled ,''Eve ! why did you gave the apple to Adam. You should not have done this.
She said, ''I always eats mangos from my refrigerator, but these are most testy mangoes I ever eat.''
''You know, these are coming direct from the tree. I love nature, and natural work.''
''I want to go to America. One day I will go there. I want a free life.''
I spent a beautiful day with her. I feel I am in love with her.

5 September
I have covered my flute with a sticker.'' I love you Indian' has been written over the sticker. I play it every night. I have taken a music lesion from a teacher and practicing seven sounds of music—Sa re ga ma. I think I am doing well. All the natives have said me that I am doing good job. I am a happy man with music and books. The Muslim girl always appears before my eyes, I am dreaming about her. Sometimes I see her in my Omen, sometimes I go move with her all around the world, Tokyo, Hong Kong, London, Masco etc. Life is wonderful!

6 September
Today the lady Chaterly's lover came to me. He said that she was demanding his notes regarding all the famous literary women character. I assured him for the notes. I was preparing a note regarding Lady Chaterly.I emphasized over psycho-analyses of her character. But I realized it was not enough. I tried my level best to write a new story. It was a story of woman who was in search of love and came in contact with many men. It was a journey of young woman. I specially used all the porn-words in this story and gave it to the young boy and said, ''You just give it to her and wait. I am sure she is going to love you.'' For last some days I had been thinking to love a married woman. And now I am in position to do experiment. What is morality? Morals are man-made, while nature has its won rule. I wanted to jump deep into a married woman heart and it was an opportunity to me. I had tried my best to come in contact with the round face girl's mother. Perhaps she had understood my intention, and whenever she talked to me she would say, ''Son! You have too much energy. Do not spend it in nonsense work. You have to do a great work.'' Now I was ready to touch the heart of Lady Chaterly through my story indirectly. In fact I am working systematically.


7 September
I have received a letter from the Muslim girl. The content of the letter is this :

Dear xyz
I have realized that you have ability to understand me. I have never come in contact with any man. Like you I have been just reading books for a longtime. I know theoretically I understand all the dimensions of a relationship between a man and a woman. Promise me, you will not humiliate me. I feel strongly that I am in love with you. I always think about you. I have read ''the Tantrik sex.'' It is a wonderful book. Is it possible for a man to feel a woman like a goddess and for a woman to feel a man like god? I belong to an orthodox family. Here you can not talk about the relationship between a man and woman. But what can I do if I have a lot of curiosity regarding this relationship? I want to talk to you a lot about it. But you promise me, you will not hurt me. I am sure you are an understanding person. I love to eat mangoes with you. Just lead me in your world.

truly yours
abc

I wrote a letter for her. The content of the letter is this :

Dear abc
I, too, always think about you. I have read your words again and again and very much impressed with your honesty. How can a man lead to a goddess? What is sin? Let us define it together. I am very much fortunate that you love me. But still the love is not clear to me. I have attracted to a lot of women and like you I am also trying to understand the relationship between a man and a woman. If you feel better, and have confidence, I would like to act according to ''the tantrik sex.'' I will surrender myself completely before you and worship you. But at the same time I feel you are a Muslim girl and your religion does not allow you for such type of practices. So first we have to thin about sin. I always believe in experiment and I think a man of experiment is not bound with anything. I am highly fascinated with the concept of goddess in a woman. Let me read more books regarding this topic. But your words-'' books will ruin you'' always move in my mind. I regard woman from the bottom of my heart, but at the same time experiment attracts me a lot. Think about the sin seriously. What is sin? After that we will talk.

I am going to deliver this letter.

8 September
I have been reading about all the Indian Goddess and I am highly surprised that they have been regarded most. Goddess in human forms are unique concepts in Indian mythology.They are worshiped as woman power. Shakespeare has depicted witches, he has not touched the zenith regarding woman. I want to understand woman, I want to feel Goddess in her. I want to understand her ego, libido and above all her soul. But not according to the definition of organism and G-spot. I want to understand all these things according to my own ways. Even I do not believe in the theory of Tantric Sex without experiments. What can I do if my mind is not ready to follow any methodology without self realization.O woman! Come to me and tell me what do you think about sin? I do not believe in already defined sin according to the different religious books. I want you with your libido so that I can see and feel you in reality. O woman ! As a man I promise you, I will respect you, I will regard you and if you allow me I will worship you. I just want you with your libido.

Some pages of a torn- diary (part 12)

(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale)

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

23 august
Today the young boy came to me. He said that he was humiliated by his lady lover. When he went to her house she was in a drunken state. She asked him for tea. When he was sitting besides her she touched her hand, and he started kissing her. She became furious and asked him to go away, but he did not take her words seriously. Then she threw him away saying, ''You are trying to rape me. I will call police.'' He was surprised and went away. He was sad today. I asked him not to worry and wait. She would call him. But he had lost his hope.

24 August
The director of the institute of journalism is a dog lovers. In her AC chamber, all the street dogs are allowed to sit. He shared his lunch box with them. He is very frank with his students. He always asks the young students, '' How many girls friend do you have?'' He is a miser and he accepts it.
He says, ''My grandfather was very miser, he would write down all the details of his money. To him money was every thing. I am just following his path. I have more than two cars but still I am using my old motorbike.'' He abuses all the political leaders boldly. One day he said to us, '' You all are young and talented people. It is a dangerous era, so save yourselves. All the people who are running the government are criminals. Even the leader of the government is criminal. So just save yourself and wait for time. It is dark a era, no one is safe in this era.

25 August
Shakespeare is very much right when he says, ''Woman ! Thy the name if jealousy.'' The yellow eyes girl came to me and said, ''Why you are talking to much to the Muslim girl? '' I said her, '' You have not right to ask this question''
She became furious and said, ''All men are alike, You are in love with her?'' I said, ''It is none your business, I can love more than sixteen thousand women same time. If you love me, love me unconditionally. Do not try to control my mind.'' She told, ''I will teach you a lesion.''
''How?'' I asked.
She hold me in her arms and started kissing me. First time in my life I realize the intensity of a jealous woman . Oh, my God! It was a wonderful experience. When she was kissing me in library the professor in-charge came there. For a little while he could not understand what was going on. He was surprised to see the scene. He turned away quickly and complained to the director, who latter told me, ''you are using my library as love spot. Do not worry. I do not mind it. You are young, you should enjoy your life.'' But the professor in-charge spread the news all among the students, and I was the topic of hot discussion. She, too, was enjoying this popularity with a little shame. God you are great to bless woman with the jealousy! Provoke jealousy in woman, and I am sure you will experience an intense love, at least I have experienced it.


27 August
I think I have matured regarding girls. When the Muslim girl approached me next time I told her, '' You seem cold.''
She asked, ''Why are you feeling so?'' I told her, ''You read lonely lady, it means somewhere you are provoking your mind in this field. A hot woman would like to read loving fantasy.''
She became angry and said, ''Do not teach me a lesion. What have you done with that yellow eyes girl in the library? ''
''She was kissing me,'' I told her boldly.
''She was kissing you, or you were kissing her?''
''No difference.''
''I warn you, I do not like such acts.''
''I am not concerned with your likes and dislikes.''
''You have been smart after reading Lonely lady! Do you know about organism? ''
''Organism! What is it?''
''So why I tell you, you are still a kid. Go and find out what is Organism? And I am sure, you know nothing about G-spot ,''
'' G-spot!, You are kidding me? I said to her.
She went away.
And I am started thinking about organism and G-spot. First I consulted a thesaurus and got some words related wth organism like living form, being, creature, living being, human being, person, individual, mortal. All these words did not satisfy me. Even I did not get the meaning of G-spot. This girl is a real rascal. She always humiliates me. What does she think about herself?

28 August
Today I bought a flute. It is a very beautiful flute. But I do not know how to use it. In the late night, I sat outside my Omen and started to create some music. Struggling continue with it, I was able to create rhythmic music. I felt all supernatural powers were sitting around me and were listening my flute. The stars were twinkling over my head, bunch of clouds were coming down, the Moon was smiling whole night. I realized that music was a wonderful thing. Now to me this flute is everything. I do not want to understand organism, I want to flow with music.

29 August
It was very much surprising to me. In the mid-day when I was playing my flute a lizard came very near to. I noticed him coming to him. When I stopped playing the flute he looked to me, and went away. Again I started playing the flute, he came back. I repeated this process again and again, I found the same result. He was attracted to the sound of flute. Really music has special quality to attract not only human being but animals, too. When I tried to touch the lizard, he went away. Through this process, I called him back. Again and again I tried to touch him and again and again he went away. But I did not loose my heart, I was continue with the process. When I touched his head gently, and said to him, '' I am your friend. I will not hurt you….I love you, do you know? '' He did not move. I talked to him continuously, and after a little while, he was very much familiar with my touching. How it is possible? Through the magic of music. I am very honest to say that I do not the basic of music. But who cares if a lizard understand it? I am going to play with the flute whole day and whole night.

30 August
I have draft a letter for the Muslim girl.
Content of the draft : What is automated Insulated Sndwich Panel ? I will eat a delicious a mango with you, if you want it may be two, depends upon your choice, reader of a Lonely lady ! If you give the answer of this question correctly, you will have to come with Moon then. You go to hell. What is Organism? And what is G-spot? All your questions go to hell. You are neither my professor, nor my teacher. Who are you to ask these question? And I am not compelled to answer you questions. You know that I a have friend, his name is Lizard. And for me he will kidnap you. Then I will ask you, why you told me to eat the first apple. Mango is more delicious fruit than apple. We would have been searching the mango together. Do you understand what I am saying ? If do not, don’t worry, come to me, we will not do sin. We will start a new life on The Moon, if you think better on The Mars.
Good luck

Now I am waiting for the reaction.

Some pages of a torn- diary (part 11)

(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale)

10 August
One of the students of the institutes of Journalism came to me and asked ''What is the story of Lady Chaterlee's lover?'' If fact I, at that time, I had not read the book. I said to him, ''why are you asking this question?'' With a little hesitation he told me, '' A woman was reading this book. She is a teacher in a convent school. She is a married woman but not living with her husband. I asked him, ''Do you often go to her? '' he said, ''yes.''
''Then bring the books for me. I will read it ant then tell you the whole story. Are you interested in this woman? ''
He told honestly,'' she attracts me a lot. But she is a married woman.'' ''Do not worry. Take a chance.'' He promised me to bring the book for me. I am waiting eagerly for that book.
Latter I discussed this matter with the yellow eyes girl. She laughed over me and said, '' You want to shoot using other shoulder. You are a rascal. I said her, ''I am not talking about myself. He is in love with her and I just want to help him. You are an understanding girl so why I asking about your opinion. Beside I want to tell you one thing very frankly. I have same felling for the round fame girl' mother. Can you help me in this regard.'' She became angry and started abusing me. I hold her tightly and kissed her lips. She was surprised. Latter she said with a smile, ''You are wild animal. I like your wildness.''

11 August
A new library has been opened by the institute and all students are allowed to sit and read here. Today I was reading a book about Saddam Hussain and his bath party. The Muslim girl was sitting besides me with one of her friend. They were talking too much. I said her,''It is a library, so keep silence.'' She said, ''I know this is a library. If you think we are talking too much, change your place.'' I was not expecting such answer from her. Latter she offered me some cake with smile and said, ''If you read too much, you will go mad soon. Library is not a place to read. You know your problem? You think that books are everything,You do not know all the books have been written by men or women. If you want to enjoy the natural life, keep the books away. It is enough for today. I will see you next time. You idiot! Bookish worm!''
''You are speaking too much.'' I said angrily
''What will do then? Go and read and find out some formula to deal with me. If you will not get it, come to me. I will tell teach you a lot of formulas regarding this, '' she said confidently. ''First and last lesion, Keep yourself away from the books. Books will not ruin you. It will kill you natural instincts. I want to save you from destruction so why I am telling you all the things. Now you go to hell.'' She told and left the place. I was surprised to listen her.

13 August
For last two days I have been constantly thinking about the Muslim girl. I was not ready for such words from a Muslim girl. I have bought a Kuran and started reading it. Who was Gibrail? Really he was the messenger of God? Or Mohammad Saheb was in a state of hallucination like me? Whenever I sat naked in my Omen more than four hours, I realized that a lot of voices came from different words. Sometimes I recognized the voices but sometimes they were completely unknown to me. Mohammad would sit alone in the cave and he sat in meditation. Then automatically he would listen the voices of Gibrila. He had watched his society very keenly and had been thinking over it continuously. Gibrila was nothing but just his own sound. He closed the society for ever just declaring himself the last messenger of the Almighty God. All his ideologues have been base on the moon moment, just against the ideologues of Christian' moon moment. And an ideological contrast between two communities had been established for ever. All the rituals of Islam can be seen according to this point of view. If I believe in the words of Muslim girls, ''books will ruin you,'' then certainly all the books must be discussed according this point of views, including religious ones. I salute the sprit of Mohammed Saheb, and his works for the people but at the same times he can be forgiven for his claim of the last messenger of God. In Islam there is no scope for thesis, antithesis and synthesis. I think I have started loving the Muslim girl. The lord of Mosses and the lord of Mohammed are same. In my Omen I have been trying my level best to communicate the lord of both, and in state of hallucination I felt his existence. In the late night I would sit out side Omen and looked to the sky. When ever I saw a cloud I asked the God to talk to me behind the cloud like he would talked to Mosses. Very surprisingly, some voices came to me behind the cloud. Yes, I am in a state of hallucination like Mosses and Mohammed.

15 August
What is religion? I always think deep over it. I am feeling strong desire to love the Muslim girl. She is attractive and has sex appeal. But my religion has shaped my mind in a special way. It has preached me to regard the women. Under the influence the religion I am suppressing my natural desire to have sex with the Muslim girl. So religion is just a format to shape a human mind in order to kill one's natural desire. It control my thought process. All the religions under the sky control the thought process, either it is Hinduism, or Islam or Christianity. All religions have rituals. They operate through rituals. Rituals are the arms of religions that kill the natural of human being. Dogs have religions? No. They are guided by their natural instincts. But human being has been civilized through the ages. What the Muslim girl tells me I understand, and what I tell she understand. Through natural instincts all dogs understand each-other, but they have no religion. But human mind has its own dimension, it has created systematic languages in certain circumstances. Religion is very important for common man, but it is a hell to a creative mind. My mind is thinking about the Muslim girl, about her words, about her body, about her soul and warm breadth, but it is against religion. Religion, go to hell! I want this girl. I will follow my natural instincts.

17 August
There was a political clash on the road. Fifteen people wounded. I was watching this clash. A young reporter told me that a press conference was being held in the office of a political party regarding this clash. I had no authority but I went there as reporter. I was sitting among the reporters when the spokesman of the party was saying, ''If other party will do violence against us, we will not mind to retaliate.'' Then and there I asked, ''You mean you are going to use violence against violence?'' He and all the reporters looked to me. I was continue,'' How can you say that you are a responsible party, while you are talking about violence? '' The young reporter who was with me flew away. The spokesman dissolved the conference without answering my questions. Today I feel that I am far better than all the media persons who are active in this city. When I came out of the conference the young reporter told me, ''You were creating odd situation there, you are not a good person.'' I told him, ''I knew I was on the right track.''

19 August
Today in the class room, the Muslim girl was sitting besides me and reading a porn book. She was very much indulged in her reading. The book was covered with a paper. I asked her, ''What you are reading?'' She told boldly, ''I am reading about the mystery of love. You want to read?''
''Mystery of love! What is it?'' I asked.
''Have you ever loved a girl?''
''Yes, so many girls.''
''Then look to my eyes, tell me how it looks?''
''What do mean by how it looks?''
''Is there any mystery in my eyes?''
''I do not know.''
''Now I can tell you that you are unable to understand the mystery of a girl's eyes. But do not worry, I will teach you everything, if consider me as your Guru (teacher).''
''Do you believe in Islam?''
''I am Muslim and you are kafir, according to Muslim point of view.''
''I want to talk to you about my feeling regarding.''
''For god sake, do not tell that You are loving me. Better you read this book and then we well talk. And do not mention about it to any one. Did you get the point.'' I took the book. It was the story of a lonely lady who satisfied her wants herself.

20 August
The boy who was in love with a married woman gave me ''Lady Chatterly's lover.'' He told me to read this book thoroughly. I am reading it, and feeling the pain of Lady Chatterly. With the help of a sketch I am underling some sentences, specially the erotic sentences. A wonderful psych-analyses has been created of a young lady. Now, my mind is full of erotic thoughts. At the same time I am reading the story of a lonely lady. Oh! It is exciting me. I want some fresh air…Sorry I will have to go outside.

Fifteen minutes latter

I was just watching the moon. I want to go there with the Muslim girl. What idea! What will I do there with that Muslim girl? Let me think. I will tell her to take off all her clothes, and I will do the same. Then I will tell her to fell like Eve and I will feel like Adam. Them we will ask the God to come to us because we are ready to follow all His instruction. We will not do sin. It will be a new beginning. It is a wonderful idea. Dear! Muslim darling! You are reading about a lonely girl! Just come with me to the moon. I would lead you in a different world. You tell me that books ruin me! NO matter, We will start from the beginning, when there was nothing except a man and a woman. If you do not like moon do not worry, we will go to Marsh. We will start learning a b c d.

21 August
I have returned the ''Lady Chaterlly'' to the young student. When he saw the underlines sentence he became furious. I consoled him not to worry about it. Just return the book to the lady. If he asked, tell her that you were going to write an article about all the leading ladies character of world literature. Everything will be ok. He was not agree with me and any how I cooled him down. Let me see what will happen in this regard.
I have also returned the lonely lady to the Muslim girl. When I was returning the book, she was with one of her friends. She took the book but did not say anything to me.
What is woman? What is Woman? What is woman? It is a mystery ! It is mystery !! It is mystery !!! I love this mystery, I love this mystery I love this mystery. I want a naked woman with me on the Moon. Who will come with me? She will be Eve and I will be Adam. I want to understand the origin of love between a man and a woman. Better to say I want to feel a woman as the first man on the earth. I am Adam, Eva where are you? Are you listening me? If yes, come to me, come to me, come to me.

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

Some pages of a torn- diary (part 10)

(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale)

27 July
The ''Young opinion'' has published. Today it was inaugurated in the big seminar hall of the institute. Each student was ready his copy. All of sudden the round face girl lost her temper after reading the gossip box. She threw the copy away and said loudly, '' who has dared to write about me like this? '' All the students were surprised to see her reaction. I pick up the magazine from the flour and signed over it and then handed it to her, saying ''It is a gift from me. You are going to be a journalist so you must know how to enjoy with the gossip story.'' She looked to me and smiled. I touched her chicks gently, It seemed I touched some cream. The magazine was being appreciated and enjoyed by all the students but I was furious to see my one of the poetry related to Rally. Its nine stanzas had been cut. I called the boy and asked him, ''Why the nine stanzas have been cut? '' He said, showing his teeth, '' I was fearful about the reaction of the poetry.'' I said him, ''Go to hell! If you do not have courage, why are you going to join this profession? '' He had no answer but only showed his teeth. First time I realized that truth demands more and more courage. Now I have left the post of the ghost editor.

29 July
With the yellow eyes girl, today I went to watch a leftist rally. Both of us entered into the crowd and moved here and there. It was a big rally. All the peasants women from the different parts of the state had come with their children to take part in the rally. They were the supporters of Marx and Lenin. When I tried to understand there minds, I realized that they knew nothing about Marx and Lenin, although some women leaders were guiding them. All the people in the rally belonged to the lower casts, but there leaders belonged to the upper caste. I realized that the yellow eyes girl had the revolutionary sprit. She talked to me a lot, suggested me to think about my carrier seriously. There was something in her eyes but I could not read it. What it was ? Certainly she had something in her mind. But what it was? She wanted to see my Omen, and I invited her.

1 August
The members of fundamental Hindu organization were searching for me. They came to my Omen and asked me to join the Sakha again. I was fade with them. I knew the they emphasized very much over character building. I told them bluntly that I had an illegal relationship with a married woman I can not leave her, because she was so beautiful and attractive. They tried to change my path but all their efforts went into vain. At last they became furious and declared me an immoral person who was not fit for nation building objectives. Sometime immorality helps you against immoral works. Hatred is not immoral? Fundamental Hinduism goes to hell! I believe in the six systems of our knowledge in our philosophy, Nyaya or Logic, Sankhya, Vasheshika or Atomic, Yoga or contemplative, Mimamsa or ritualistic and Vedenta. O! bloody fundamentalists, go and read the words of Lord Krihana, ''I am the Ataman that dwells in the heart of every mortal creature. I am the beginning, the life-span, and the end of all. The wise see the same in all-whether it be a Brahmin, or a cow, or a dog or and elephant or an outcast. Think over it then come to me. You can say me I am characterless, but what you are…?

2 August
The yellow eyes girl came to my omen. When she entered into it, I was working over my typing machine. I asked her to take place and she sat over my bed. I stopped typing and sat beside her. She was watching everything very keenly and I was just following her yellow eyes. She told me, ''Your life is very good. I am always dreaming of this life. You know you live like an old Indian. I like it too much.'' I took her face in my hands and looked into her yellow eyes, I felt these eyes had a lot of meanings. I gently kissed her lips. She neither protested nor approved my act. Her eyes were still over my face. ''You do not like it?'' I asked her.
''Do not ask about my likeness. Whatever you like, you do. '' Something in her eyes was bothering me, but I could not find out. I touched her body from top to bottom, but she did not response me. I stopped myself, looking her yellow eyes. ''You man can never understand a woman.'' She went away after two hours. And I am still in the state of bewilderment. ''Really I do not understand I woman?. ''

4 August
A test was conducted by the authority. All students had been given question papers. In the question papers there were ten questions and out of them five to be answered. I pick up one question and started answering. Under one question I touched all the questions in my own style. Latter I was called by the professor in-charge. he showed me my answer sheet and said, ''What have you done? You have answered only one question.'' I said confidently, ''You have not read my answer my answer. I have dealt all the ten questions.''
''But it is not under the format, do you know?''
''Then you have to change your format. It is not my fault, it is the fault of your format.'' He became angry and asked me to get out. What do you mean by format? Format is for a lay man, not for a creative man like me. Format is means not end. If my mind does not fit for any format, it is my fault, no! it is the fault of format. I hate schools, I hate colleges and I hate all the institutes that try to convert any creative mind into format. Mind is everything, it is the center of Universe. All the secrets of the nature are in side the mind of human being. The law of gravity already exited before Newton, it was the Newton's mind that found it out. The fools are running the world. Throw him away for the sake of creation.

5 August
In the English spoken institute a debate session has been started by the director and I have been invited in the session. In this session students are speaking over a selected topic. I always prefer to speak at last. Today I spoke continuously fifteen minutes, and when I stopped, I received a warm applaud, it goes continuously three minutes. The scene is still moving behind my mind. I am a great orator! I am a great orator !! I feel so.

7 August
For last two days, I have been doing meditation regularly. First I take a hearty bath, then I entered into my Omen. I took off my all the clothes sat on the ground. And then close my eyes and try to concentrate over the dark world before my closed eyes. I sit more than four hours and then go to the bed. I lay down naked on the bed and imagine that I am dead man. How will people react to see me dead? Who will first come to me? What will he say? How the people will gather here and talk about me? Really it is very interesting to imagine! I am just trying to part body and soul. I am enjoying my death in this way very much. I do not know the importance of meditation but I feel that the strength of my mind is increasing.

8 August.
The festival of Durga Puja (A goddess of power) has started. It is a ten days festival. I am laying in my Omen and reading Lenin's work. He was a man of mission. He wanted to uproot everything but I think that culture has its own importance. Here all the people are enjoying Duraga Pooja, what is it? Generation after generation following the culture of Durga Pooja. People are happy, they are moving with their family and worshiping idols. How can this good culture be demolished? It cannot be explained according to materialistic approach.

9 August
I am reading an article about bombings of Hirosima and Nagasaki. Oh! it was a hell! America! you cannot be forgiven for this heinous act. You have killed innocent people. Certainly you have killed innocent people. Mankind what you have done? You have made atom bomb? But for what purpose? Your own existence is in danger.The present civilization living with nuclear bombs. It is dangerous. Let us think of it. War! Go to hell!

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.