Some pages of a torn- diary (part 8)

(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale)
25 June
Today a team of an international Budhist organization came to teach us about world peace. All the students had been asked to come in the early morning so that everything could be prepared in a well manner. I followed the instruction. When I came to the institute, a saw a German girl, named Cosy Back. She was the secretary of The Lama (the head of the team). When I knew that she was a German, I started to talk to her regarding Germany. Very soon she became my best friend and said that she wanted to move the city. But her program was to be held, and she had to mange everything. I said her that when the program would start we would leave the hall and move around the city. We acted according to our plan. It was a big gathering. The fat Lame came on the stage and started delivering his lecture about world peace. Both Cosy Back and I left the hall silently. She enjoyed with me a lot. I just took her as my guest. After four hours when we returned to the institutes, I was informed that a F.I.R was being registered against me. The professor in-charge had gone to police station. I was blamed to kidnap a foreign girl. I was shocked to listen it. I met the professor in-charge and said him, ''we were moving around the city. It is not the case of kidnapping. If you register a kidnapping case against me, you will create a problem for the girl as well as the whole team. Tomorrow Lama is going to deliver his speech before the governor of the state, and certainly the press of the city will take great interest in this matter.'' He was afraid to listen me and took his decision back. I tried my level best to meet Cosy Back but she had been sent back to Germany. It is sad, I will run away all Lamas from my country and kick a leg to professor ' ass.

27 June
Today I went to the round face girl' home. Five students have been invited by her. The yellow eyes girl was also among them. We sat in her room. She is the only daughter of her parents. I met her mother. She is highly devoted to a spiritual teacher and she believed in meditation. I was fascinated to this woman, more than her only daughter. She said that my eyes were very observing. When I was sitting in the room of the round face girl, the yellow eyes girl sat besides me. She was touching my hand in a pleasant manner. For a little while I felt my blood circulation was growing fast. She read it and said, ''What happen?''
I told her bluntly, ''You are a hell! Never forget that I am man. You have excited me, What will happen if I start with you?''
''I know, you cannot do it, because you are a cowardice.'' she said, looking into my eyes. All the students laughed and I became angry. ''You go to hell! If you want a man, choose some other.''
'' I want you,'' she said boldly.
''But I do not, '' I said and left the place. They were requesting me to sit there but I did not change my mind. I came out and smoked two cigrets.


29 June
I do not want to loose my virginity. It has been routed very deep in my mind that a man should not waist his seamen. My father would always tell me, ''Son, if you want to be strong and powerful, always maintain distance from women.'' I have never thought of his statement but just have followed it unconsciously. My father was a very strong person. He was a secret agent, and I was highly impressed with him. He thought that he was a good poet, and would always recite his own poetries loudly, laying under the open sky and staring the stars. He would teach me English and Sanskrit everyday but never bothered to send me school. When my mother emphasized him to send me school, he would said ''school is not a fit place for a growing child. Let me think about him. Now he has to learn only languages. If he learns languages, in future no one will stop him to enter into the world of knowledge. All schools are hell! ''

3 July
My mother was a very beautiful woman. She had curly hair and was very faire. She was the mother of five children. Her two daughters were younger than me, but I was her eldest son, so she would love me most. She did all the households works. She was expert in milking cow and all the agricultural works. My father never bothered about anything. He would eat, sleep and recite his own poetries, although he was an unknown poet. He had a stylish camera, and always used excellent fashionable clothes. My mother was not an educated woman, but my father would talk to her about everything. I love my mother and salute motherhood.

5 July
There is a beautiful girl in our class. All boys are mad behind her. Today she came to me and gave me some notes and requested me to deliver it to a Brahmin boy. She instructed me not misuse it. Some boys were listening our conversation. One of them said,'' This girl has instructed you, and I am sure she does not believe in your honesty. You just misuse this note. I have a good plan, if you like to go through it.''
''What is the plan?,'' I asked.
''Just put a letter in the notes and give it to the Brahmin boy, as he is mad behind her. It is his notes. So write a letter on behalf of her, '' The devil mind explored the idea and I was ready to go through it. I asked him to write a letter on behalf of her and he wrote it. The content of the letter was like this:

''Dear xyz
You do not know how much I love you. I always try to say it to you but I could not. When you gave me your notes I decided to communicate my feeling through it. Please understand me and my feeling. Because I am girl, I cannot say more. I am waiting for you today in my home. If you will not come, I will commit suicide. Just remember it. yours and only yours.
abc.''

The letter was put into the notes, and when the Brahmin boy came I handed the notes to him. In the evening he came to my Omen and started fighting with me. When I asked him what happened he told, '' You had put a false letter in the notes and when I went to her home I was treated like a dog. You are a rascal.'' I did not accept it and became angry. I told him, '' That girl is using me as postman, and you have come here to quarrel with me. Both of you are insulting me. Tomorrow I am going to ask the girl. What does she think, I am postman? When he saw me angry, he became cool and requested me not to mention this incident any one. But this news has spread all around the class. All the students are enjoying this story very much. It is hot topic.

7 July
Today, a new sexy teacher has joined our class. She has a milky body. Her mother is a well-known national writer. During the teaching she is using the materials of ''Professional Journalism.'' Today she was delivering her lecture over news. She touched all the twenty six field of news, according to the book, leaving one. I looked into her eyes and said confidently, ''Madam perhaps you are forgetting the 27 point….and that is sex. Sex related stories are read widely. ''
She accepted it in a soft voice, ''Yes, you are right. News are also made from the sexual activities.'' I could see an aggression her eyes, but who cares.

9 July
The poetess girl lost her control in the class room today. Her ideal teacher, she loved her secretly, was teaching translation. All the students were defining translation one by one. When I was asked to say something over it, I said, '' I do not want to give my own definition, better I would like to use the words of a prominent writer regarding. According to him, ''Translation is like a woman, if it is beautiful not faithful, if it is faithful not beautiful.'' The poetess girl became angry to listen my words and said, '' I was not accepting such words from your side. You neither understand woman not translation. You have to take your words back.'' I said her politely, ''Sweet heart ! These are not mine words, a well known personality has said it. Go and ask him to take his words back. But for it you have go to hell, because he is dead man now. To your eyes he has committed a crime, so certainly he is in hell now. So, go to hell. ''All the girls were abusing me. I love all abusing girls.


10 July
I am reading a book named, ''History of Journalism.'' I am very much fascinated to read about Tilak as editors of ''Maratha'' and ''Kesari'' He was sent to prison for eighteen months for his eighteen line poetry, one month for one line. This poetry has been written about ''Shiva ji'' This book is giving me a keen knowledge about Indian newspapers, specially the vernacular newspapers. All the students of journalism should go through this book. Tilak was a nationalist leader. Due to him Congress Party had been divided into two parts–moderate congress and hot congress. He was the leader of hot-congress. His ''The Geeta'' secrect is a masterpiece work. He was a scholar of Sanskrit. I salute him many times. Unfortunately he was sent to Mandle Jail for six years. Latter, under the leadership of Gokhle, Gandhi came in Indian politic and accepted all the functional objectives and style of Tilak like Swedeshi Movement and non-cooperation. He started Ganpati Mahotswa, even today it is being celebrated all around Maharatra.


11 July
"The world is against me, the time will come when I teach a lesion to the world."
Hitler
''The the world Gandhi has forgotten his English.''
Gandhi
''Cesar is the pole star, you can change your place but Cesar cannot, as all the planets move around Cesar.''
Shakespear
''I am myself revolution''
Nepolian Bonapart

These are the immortals words of great men. Someday my words will also be quoted.

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

Some pages of a torn- diary (part 7)

(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale)

11 June
The reservation movement has taken a bad shape. The whole society has been divided into two parts- pro-reservation and anti-reservation. Every day the city is being closed either by pro-reservation activists or by anti-reservation activists. Today when I was sitting with round face girl and the yellow eye girl in the canteen of the institute, a group of pro-reservation supporters stormed and broke all the things in the canteen. Anyhow I managed to save both the girls and asked them to go to there homes. Then I came out on the road. People were shouting slogans at the main roundabout of the city. I went there and entered into the crowd. All of sudden police started beating them. The crowd
was running away. On the road I stood firmly looking to the police force. I made my pose like Vivekanand. Now all were running but I was still stand there. No one touched me, even police crossed from my left and right, did not dare to hit me, due to my pose. It is very sad, our politicians are leading our country in a wrong direction. The whole scientific formula of Karl Marx is fail here. In Indian, there is no proletariat and no capitalist, here society has been divided on the base of caste. Marx You go to hell ! I am sure your revolutionary methodology will work here. India is not Europe or Russia, Indian is India. It has its own unique problems. Let me think about it deeply.


12 June
For a long time, I am not going to the English Institute. But today I met the young director. He told me about the blond girl. Her brother is aware of their relationship and he is compelling her not to go to Institute. Now they are meeting outside the Institute. She still wants to marry with him. The black's younger has tried to meet me many times but I am avoiding her. Today she came to my Omen, when I was trying to write a story. She started abusing me. When I touched her hands she became calm. I asked her,'' What do you want?'' She replied boldly, ''You just treat me like a woman, not like a girl.'' I looked to the portrait of Hitler and told her, ''You know you are underage?'' She came very near to me and said, ''I know only one thing that I am a woman, and I love you. I want to feel you from the bottom of my heart. I have seen my father making love with my mother. I want that love from you. Do not think that I am a little girl, think I am a woman, a complete woman. I know you would love my sister, but she has not been made for you. It is I who know how to love you.'' For a little while I want to feel her existence completely but something stops me, perhaps it is her tender age. I say her in soft voice, ''Little girl, I love you. But how can I kiss you and touch you?'' She understood my mental condition and hold my face in her hands then I felt her warm lips over my lips. Very soon I realized she is playing gently, smoothly and intensely. My blood was warming but I controlled myself any how. She laid me down on the bed and one after another she started taking off my clothes. I did not protest, but just enjoyed her initiatives. When someone knocked the door, I gently pushed her away. Now she has gone and first time in my life I experienced a girl in this way. I want more, ….I am waiting for her.


14 June
What is construction and what is destruction? Is construction possible without destruction? No! Where there is construction there is destruction. There is no construction without destruction. Construction and destruction are co-related. Marx wants to construct a new system so why he talks about destruction. What is dialectical theory? It is related with materialism. I think deeply about all the existing religions, and somewhere I believe that all the rituals of all religions have been constructed according to the materialistic point of views to meet the ultimate powers. But what is ultimate power? I think deeply about that ultimate power, or super power, but I see myself nowhere. What is spiritualism? Why man born? The ancient but important question, Who am I? Who am I ? Who am I? Why I am on the earth as a human being? What is the ultimate object of human being? And how I am supportive to this object. No ! Marx is wrong. Man is not means but end. And here Marx is absolutely wrong when he wants to make his commune through killing millions and millions people. All the ideologues that talk about the killing of people must be throw into Caspian Sea.


15 June
The professor in-charge of the journalism is an interesting person. He would write for a national magazine. He always glorifies his character and tries to please the head of the institute. Now he is an active congress man, like his father and has fought legislative election. He does not like me. A seminar was organized by him. I wanted to deliver my speech there, but he did not allow me. I jumped over the stage and snatched the mike and then started delivering my speech. I think I am good orator, and people flow with me. I just take there mind in different world, at least I feel so. Latter, he criticized me a lot and warned me to control my behavior. I am thinking to teach him a lesion. Let the time come.


17 June
After a long gap the painter girl came to meet me. She told me that her marriage was being fixed. I was sad to listen her words. I took tightly in my arms and started kissing her. She felt my warmth. I was not in mood to stop. I behaved with her like a wild animal. She started crying but I did not leave her. She hit me with a pen and it torn my right hand skin. I was in deep pain both mentally as well physically. She went away saying, ''you are an animal, I hate you and will never meet you.'' Who cares? You go to hell ! I, too, do want to see her. But still I am in a pain. First time I realize that woman is painful, too. I want the black girl's younger. Oh! Where are you? Please come, Please come. I need you badly. Really it is very painful to me.


19 June
Last day I went to meet a psychiatrist. I told him that my mind was not working properly, and I was depressed. He asked me a lot of questions regarding my earlier life and present occupation. I told him everything truly. When he knew that I wanted to be writer he suggested me to write all the things. I am following his instruction and trying my level best to write down everything. I have write down nearly five hundred pages, but still I think that I am depressed.

23 June
I have used opium today. Marx says religion is like opium but I say nothing is like opium. It just leads me to a wonderland. All the functions of my mind have changed completely. I have drunk more than ten glasses of water but I am still thirsty. I feel all the great thinkers are sitting in my Omen and they are laughing over me. Oh ! I have gone mad. Lenin you are a bloody person! You have killed millions of people. Hiter! you are a hell ! You want to rule over the world, establish the supremacy of Aryan blood ! you are a murder, do you know? And I am a fool who is hanging your portrait in my Omen. Gandhi! Where are you? You talk about non-violence, you are great Gandhi! You are great!! When the world will understand the importance of blood? Little girl! Where are you? I want to make love with you. I will love you like your father loves you mother. But can you love me like my mother? Little girl ! come, come to me and love me. But now you are a growing woman, and you have no ability to love me like my mother. Do you know? My mother would love me very much. She had a cow, a small and milking cow, and she would herself milking the cow and gave me milk to drink. From morning till night she would work hard. I miss my mother…I miss my mother. Oh, I am weeping bitterly. Tears are coming from eyes constantly and I am relaxed now. Now I can understand the importance of tears.

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

Some pages of a torn- diary (part 6)

(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale

22 May
I was called for the interview by the Institute of Journalism. I went there and saw a big crowd of boys, girls and there parents. Interview was to be started. I was given my number and asked to wait. In a group some boys were discussing over reservation issue. I listened them without interference. After a little while my name was called out. When I entered into the hall, I saw five persons sitting around a round table. I was offered to sit. One of them asked me, '' Why do you want to be a journalist? '' I answered, ''Mussolini was a journalist in his early age, and I am highly influenced by him, so why I want to be a journalist.''
''Do you believe in fascism? You are a fascist?,'' he asked.
''I do not believe in any ism? I want to fight for the common people. And I think journalism is the best means.'' Then I was asked to leave the hall. I do not know what will happen next. I am just waiting for the result.

24 May
I have come in contact with ultra leaders of Hinduism. They have invited me in there Sakha (branch). I am thinking to go there. Aggressive Hinduism movement is growing fast in my country .In order to understand the fundamental base of this movement I am looking for some authentic books. I have been suggested to read Dr. Hedgewar and Golvelker as well as Savarkar. What is Hinduism? What is the objects of Hinduism? These are the natural questions arises in my mind. Let me struggle with these questions in my own ways.


27 May
I have bought some books regarding Hinduism and reading them keenly. And I have also joined there Sakha. They do physical exercises and show high devotion to nationality. They always talk about the unification of India, Bangladesh and Pakistan. Sometimes they talk to demolish Bangladesh and Pakistan. They want to impose their already made ideas in my mind. When I try to discuss about the fundamental nature of Hinduism they become furious. How can I tolerate them? My mind is open for all the blowing cold and hot winds of the world. How I can allow them to impose their already made cooks? They are abusing Ambedakar, and I am going to read Ambedaker. He was the chairman of draft committee of the Constituent Assembly of Indian. I am not a blind man. I want to see the world through my own eyes.



29 May
I have taken admission in the Institute of Journalism. It was my first day. The administration of the Institute provided me I-card and all the related documents and I was asked to sit in the class. It was an interesting morning. When I entered into the class, I got there more than fifty students. A young professor, he is a well-known journalist, started teaching us. He was delivering his lecture about the history of journalism. After fifteen minutes I realized I could deal the topic far better than him. I stood up and asked the professor to allow me to teach the class. He was surprised to listen me. All the students looked to me. One of them supported me. He told the journalist to leave the place and requested me to come forward. Then I started teaching them. I explained very well about the history of journalism. All the students enjoyed my lecture very much. Meanwhile the professor left the class and went to the head of the Institute. The head came and asked me to take my place and he himself started teaching. Later he warned me, ''Mussolini, it is Indian, not Italy, so be careful in future.'' Now I have been a very popular personality among all students, I am enjoying this popularity. All the girl students are attracted to me. They want to talk to me. Perhaps my public life has started as young revolutionary man.


1 June

I always sit on the second bench in the class-room. A Muslim girl always sits besides me. She is a very tall and beautiful girl. I feel the charming smells of her body, and she knows it. Every day she changes the scents and I wait for this changing. She loves America too much and has a dream to go there one day. Although she does not talk to me directly but has an eagle eye to me. She changes her scent and I change my book everyday. In the class-room I read only journalistic books. Today I have finished ''Justice'' by kuldeep Naiyar. In this book he has written about the dark era of Indira Gandhi. The period of Emergency has been dealt in this book. He thinks that Sanjay Gandhi was the sole reason behind the emergency. After the emergency congress government was washed out from the North- Indian.


2 May
I am reading ''Professional Journalism'' By M. V Kamath. For fundamental knowledge of journalism it is a good book. The book deals the fundamental question of journalism –What is news ? –very well. When a dog bites a man, it is not news, when a man bites a dog, it is news. A student of journalism must read this book. In this book one will get all the technical words of journalism, and I am sure his news sense will develop. Two students are more interesting in the class room. Every day they come in the class after taking two or three pegs. Sometimes they drink in the class-room. One is very shot and other is very tall. The short fellow always tells, ''Without drinking, no one can be a great journalist.'' He seems like a devil.


3 May
There is a poetess in our class. She is a fan of most famous lyricist Niraj, better to say she is mad behind him. She has written a lot of poetries and always tries to recite them before the students. Her father is a well-known journalist. She is attracted to a romantic professor, who touched us news. He, too, is a well-known journalist and writer. He smokes too much and do not mind to offer it to his students. A group of students has become his great fan. Every day I come in the class room before all the students and on the black board a write a quotations of some great thinkers and men of action. Mostly I write Hitler's quotation. I have given a new name by our classmates ------''The wrath of Indian.''

5 May
Two girls in the class room are trying to make friendship with me. They are close friends and always live together. One is healthy and has round face. She is ultra modern and has a convent back ground while the other is short and looks like a village girl.The modern girl was asking about my zodiac sign. She tells me that she is a Leo. She is very impulsive and talks frankly to the boys. The village girl's mother is a teacher. She has yellow eyes, and I has read in '' the Kamsutara'' that the woman who has yellow eyes believes in multiple relationship and never mind to change her man partner frequently. I am constantly watching her.One day she tells me, ''in this class-room no boy has courage to take me up'' I do not understand the meaning of her words. Today both of them asked me to show them my best place in the city. Two other boys also joined them. A team of five members went to the bank of Ganges. When I saw the water I felt a strong desire to jump into it. All of them were sitting and chatting while I was swimming in the river. When I came out of the river, the round face girl gave me her Chunari (a clothe to cover the upper front part of a young woman). When I was washing my body with her chunari, I felt the warmth of her heart.



7 May
I have started reading ''Das Capital''by Marx. Its terminology is very hard to understand, but I am struggling hart with it. The two parts of the book has been written by Marx but the third one has been written and edited by his friend Engle. I love Engle more than Marx. Both Marx and Engle have explored a new world before me. There scientific approach to the history is excellent. Now I think that I understand Europe and its social, political, economical, religious and cultural set-up very well, at lest according to the scientific point of views. A new word ''surplus Value'' has been given by Marx. I am very much interested in his earlier life and get some excellent poetries written by Marx for his wife Jena before marriage. Jena was a wonderful lady. Marx was very lucky. I am sinking deep into the world of communism. It is interesting that one side I am reading communist literature and the other side I am going to a Sakha of fundamental Hindu organization. I am going through thesis, antithesis and synthesis process. I think my own worldview is being created.


9 May
Marx, Lenin, Engle, Jena, Krupskay, Hitler, Mussolini, Gandhi, Neharu, Sucrates, Aristotle, and many more come every night in my Omen and they discuss about the world's problem. They are very much comfortable in my hut. All are concentrated to me, They want me to follow there respective ideas and actions. I just listen them and ask them to convince me. My nights are more interesting than the my days. I have bought costly wine, cigret, cigar, tea and coffee for them. Hitler likes milk so every night I bring milk for him. Gandhi has a very humanistic approach while Marx is determined to change the whole system through a bloody revolution. Whole night they fight in my Omen, and I enjoy their discussion. I know I am in state of hallucination, but who cares? It is a great hallucination, and I love it. I am thinking seriously to meet a psychiatrist, all the big thinkers are trying to kidnap my mind. They are making too much noise. Let me enjoy these tremendous nights with all the world's leaders.

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

Some pages of a torn- diary (part 5)

(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale)

11 May
Today, in Pokhran Indian has tested its nuclear strength. The whole city is talking about it. I am very much depressed to listen the news. Arms-race is against humanity. The world does not need it, then why arms are being made all around, Why ? Why ?? and Why ??? OH ! My whole body is crumbling. It is 11 pm. I go to the bank of The Ganges. The dark sky spreads all around the river.Some fishersmen are sleeping on the sand. I sit and see the current of the river and try to understand the effect of the explosion. Will this explosion affect my lovely river anyway? If yes, all the policy makers must be removed. I opened my shoes, jeans and shirt and enter into the river and swim nearly half kilometer. Now I am in the middle of the river, feeling the excitement of the clod water. I just go deep and deep. And when I try to turn back, the current of the water pushes me away. Even I am unable to see the banks of the river, because all around there is a darkness. I see, some fire far away, and I try to swim in that direction. After half an hour, I come to the bank. It is a crematorium place. The fire is just coming from a burning dead body. I get there no one. I feel some coldness and sit besides the fire. I think deeply about the man's body that is burning before my eyes and the warm fire. What is death? Why we all are mad behind more and more power. King Harish Chandra was working in a crematorium, because he had donated everything, his wife ,his son and even himself, because he was a man of words.
Oh know I have to leave the place. But I have lost my all article, I have only one underwear over my body. I leave the place and move slowly to my Omen. I walk…walk… and walk. After two hours I come to my Omen. Outside Omen I have a hearty bath and then enter into it. I am naked, I do not want anything….I just want to write, write and write…and I am writing. My flowing words give me pleasures.


12 May
Today I have seen an advertisement of a college of Mass communication. I think I should take admission in it. Applications are being invited and I am going to apply for a seat. It will give me an opportunity to make my carrier in field of journalism. But I have to submit a draft of five hundred rupees. Now I have no money, anyhow I have to manage it. Let me think of it seriously. A journalist can serve the society through his writings.

13 May
Is it the heinous crime of my life? I know it is against law. Today I proposed the black girl's younger. She broke down to me and started weeping. I tried my level best to console her but she did not stop. When I said her that I was not serious about it, it was just a fun, she became furious and told me,'' you are older than me, so why I was hesitating to enter in your life. I always love you, I do not know what you want to me, but I will sacrifice my life for you.'' In fact I am afraid to see her passion and devotion. Somewhere I am feeling myself caged to indulge with her, but somewhere I am highly fascinated with her innocent love. She is too young, only thirteen years. Should I go ahead? I am little confused regarding her. She has promised to meet me soon, and with a little hesitation I am waiting for her. But I won't meet her, it would be better for both of us.


15 May
What a girl she is ! I am very much surprised. Today she has given me ''The Kamsutra'' by Vatsayan and asked me to read it thoroughly. It is a fascinating book, sexuality has been dealt in it very keenly. In this book the structures of women bodies has been explored according to the geographical condition of the country. I do not know these facts are scientific or not, but it has created my curiosity in women's bodies. Whenever and wherever I meet a woman, I watch her body very keenly in order to match it with the description of the book. Somewhere I am afraid of the little girl, she knows more about the adult's life and is very much interested to discuss with me. Let me read the book.

16 May
I do not understand the chemistry of woman and a man. Since Yesterday night I have been reading ''The Kamsutra.'' A lot of funny things have been written in this book, like how you choose your woman, how you communicate your self to her, how you understand her body language, how you know her ideas about yourself, how you use her closest friend to express yourself before her. In this book sixteen kinds of kiss and 64 positions have been mentioned. The little girl is a devil, I have to change my way. Certainly I have to change my way. Vatsayan is a hell! But it has created my curiosity in the love life man and woman. Let me change this book, otherwise it will make my mind dirty.

17 May
I am reading a book ''Lenin in London.'' Lenin was the most wanted person in Russia. He went to London with Krupskaya and preparing for the Russian revolution. There he would spent most of his time in National Library reading the ''Das Capital'' by Karl Marx and making notes. He was dead determined for the Russian revolution. Krupskaya was a teacher. She would love Lenin. She was very much supportive to Lenin. She was regularly corresponding with revolutionary leaders of Russia on behalf of Lenin. She was taking care not only of Lenin but also of his revolutionary activities. I am highly fascinated with krupskaya. In fact I fell in love with her. Is there any krupskaya for me? I want a lady like kurpskaya, will I get it? I do not think so. I have read an interesting story regarding Lenin. It is written by a secret agent of British Government. According to the story, he got an information that a meeting of Russian revolutionary leaders was to be held in a hotel. He went to the hotel and met the manager and asked him to provide a place so that he could listen the speech of all Russian leaders. Manager locked him in a cupboard where the meeting was to be held. When the meeting started he listen all speeches. After listening the speech of Lenin he was horrified, although he did not see his face. Latter he reported, ''Lenin is very confident about the revolution in Russia and what he has in mind is very dangerous for both Russia as well as the World.''


18 May
I went to the art college of the city to find out more and more details about the old painter. Once he was the principal of this art college. I met one of his old friends who remembered the old painter with his many good acts. But I felt that he was in a stress. Later I knew that a dog fighting was going on for the authority of the art college. Some students had been kicked off from the hostel. Naturally I took interest in all the matter and became very sad about the present condition of this art college. For a little while, I had been captured by the goons of the college authority. They are bad people and I hate them. Now I have to write all the details of the old painter and have to send it to the lady boss.


19 May
I have just finished ''Crime and punishment'' by Dostovesky. It depicts very well about the poverty of Russian. The psychology of the protagonist has been written in a very keen manner. He plans to kill the old landlady and he is very much confident that he is going to do a great work like Nepolian Bonapart as he is liberating the poor masses from the clutches of the old landlady. The Russian police tries to catch him but he plays with them a rat and cat game. Sonia! A teenage prostitute, who is compelled to do accept this dirty business, enters into his life and he fell in love with her. Later he accepts before her that he has murdered not only old landlady but also her sister. The life of Dostovesky has intoxicated me. He was arrested by Russian Government and was to shoot. Just before shooting he was released and for whole life the shadow of death covered his unconscious mind. Later he was appointed the adviser of Russian Government secretly and the main conspirator of king's murder was arrested in his house. I want to read Dostovesky's all works. I am highly interested in Russian History.


21 May
Today I met the painter girl. She was still angry with me. She told me that I was the most cruel person under the sky. She wanted to have a dinner with me, but I had no money in my pocket and I told about it to her. She realized that I was not only a wicked person but a cunning too. I asked her to lend me some money if she wanted to have a dinner with me. She was agree and both of us went to a nearby hotel. She was a non-vegetarian. After dinner she said that she wanted to see my Omen. I warned her, but she smiled and kissed me gently. Then both of us came back to Omen. She closed the door and came near to me. Again I saw the tears in her eyes. she told in a deep voice, ''Do you know? I cannot be a mother. I have some problem. Doctors have declared that I have lost the maternity power.'' I took her face in my hands and said gently, ''No matter, if you love me, I am ready to marry with you.''
''But you don't earn!'' she said.
''What do you mean by I do not earn?,'' I do not understand her words.
''Marriage is a responsibility while love is free. I love you, but I know you cannot be a good husband. My father is searching a suitable boy for me,''
'' I don't understand you. Sometimes you say that you have lost your maternity power and sometimes you say that your father is searching a suitable boy for you.''
''Why do you want to understand a woman while a woman does not understand herself? You do whatever I say.''
I was in state of bewilderment, so I said her politely to go to her home. Before leaving the place she hold me in her arms and kiss my lips gently. Still I am feeling her existence, and still I am confused about her character. To me, a woman is always a mystery, and so why I attract to a woman. Will I solve this mystery ever?

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

Some pages of a torn- diary (part 4)

(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale)

25 April.
I am reading '' Ten days when the world shook'' by John Read. I am very much surprised to know that he was an American Journalist but was highly interested in Socialist Revolution all around the world. He was not only a reporter but a great revolutionary. This book depicts the real picture of all the groups of Russia, including Bolshevik. He was a dare devil journalist. I love his sprit. Someone has said about him ''If he were not a journalist, he would be a great novelist. And I do believe in his words. All young journalists must read this book. I am highly fascinated with his words and actions. Oh he died young, why? why?? why ??? Now I am thinking to read about all the revolutions of the world. From where I should starts?

26 April
I have joined the class, and teaching the students. I told him the whole story about my Delhi Journey, they enjoyed it a lot. I think that I am breaking the chain of their minds. Jean Jaqueas Russeau says, Man born free but every where he is in chain.'' I am trying my level best to break the chains. In fact I have started reading French Revolution of 1789. I have met Voltaire, Didrott, Robespeare, Mirrrabeu and many more. I love Bobeouf.
If you are young, do not jump deep into the French Revolution, it will catch your mind and you will be of no use. I have done this crime! I have done this crime!! and I have done this crime !!! To me, now articles of French Revolution are more interesting than the eyes of painter girl or black girl or any other girl. In fact I am highly fascinated to royal ladies like Mary Antoniot. What the hell my mind is functioning!


27 April
Am I converting into a revolutionary person? I have started evaluating all the things according to the revolutionary point of views. But my mind is not clear regarding, society and humanity. Social, political, economical, religious and cultural set-ups are unclear to me. Who will make my mind clear? Certainly books, books and more books.I will consume more and more revolutionary books. Let me find out them. Oh! I am mad behind the revolutionary books. Sometimes I think about the Delhi and the scene of the sleeping people with dogs and goats frustrate me. Certainly I don't want such India. I want neat, clean and strong India. How is it possible? At first I have to understand Indian. But how?


29 April
I am very much thankful to the younger of black girl who provides me the story of Spartcus. He was the first revolutionary who organized the salves and fought a brutal fight against the Roman Empire. I want to kiss the girl but she knows that some where I love her elder and she does not love me. No matter I will take an attempt, after all she understands me and my mind. Will she agree to give me a nice kiss? But I will tell her to wash her mouth first. My first kissing experience is not good. She is only thirteen years old, does she understand the dimension of a pleasant kiss? What the hell I am thinking!
Let me talk about Spartcus. I love her lady Varenia very much. Will I get a Varenia in my life? I love his lucky lady. I have to understand the Roman Empire and its slave system. India's ancient Varn system is similar to Roman's slave system ? I want to understand all the things. I have to read the religions of all the races, if I want to understand the origin of all the systems. It is a tough task but I will go ahead.

30 April
Today painter girl came to my Omen. She was looking beautiful. I laid down in her lap and she kissed me more and more. I was excited and lost my control but she stopped me saying, ''It is not good.'' I was furious and asked her to leave my Omen. I could see the tears in her big and beautiful eyes. She went away silently. I know I was cruel to her, but what could I do? I will ask for her forgiveness. Let me see what happens in this regard. I do not want to loose her. But why does she come to me when I am alone in my Omen? How can I control? After all I am a man? But still I accept it that I have insulted her.

1 May
May-day was being celebrated all around the city. I found out the story of May-day and got that it is related with America and American workers. I just went through the American Freedom Movement. America has an interesting story. I love George Washington and his struggle, but in American historical characters I love Abraham Lincon most. One of my friends provided me a poetry about Lincon. In which it was written that he became President of America when he was 65 years old. Before that he faced a difficult life, even his wife left him. He was a great personality and the nature had selected him for a great job, all the difficulties he had faced were just pre-determined by the nature. Hitler had calculated America in a scientific way. I will talk about it latter. I love the words of Jaffarson. Before death he has written his own epitome. He was great educationist.

3 May.
In a feet of frustration I proposed the black girl and as usual I was rejected. Shit! what I have done today ! Books are better than girls, at least its talk silently. I know, I know that my act is not good, after all she is my student. The painter girl is not coming to me. She is very angry. What should I do? Let me drink wine. But I have no money for drinking. Better I should read a good book, spiritual book. But I hate spiritualism. Spiritual emphasizes over feeling and some super-natural power. Is there any supernatural power? Or it is just an illusion? I know nothing about it. And whenever I try to know the truth, I feel myself nowhere.

5 May
Every morning a man comes to God Shiva's temple, and he prays more than two hours. His praying manner attracts me a lot. For last three years he is continue with his pray. I think faith is more powerful than scientific investigation. Scientific investigations only reveal the secrets of nature and its laws while faith is ultimate truth for a particular person or community. Both the strength and the weakness of Indian is faith. If one wants to understand India, one should understand the different faiths of its people. In this country everything is worshiped, both alive and non-alive objects. And people are not ready to arguments against there faiths. If one say anything against there faiths, they will listen seriously, but follow there own faiths. And this faith is source of life.

7 May
I have just finished ''Resurrection'' by Leo Tolostoy. It is a touching story. How the protagonist fights for his beloved who is arrested in a murder charge. When the protagonist meets her first time in his aunt home, he copulates with her. And after a long time he sees her in court, facing a murder charge. Now she is a prostitute. Oh ! I am very sad with the heroin of this novel. I think it is the best work of Leo Tolostoy. I have read ''War and Peace'' and all his dramas and stories but I like this novel most. One day I will write far better than Leo Tolostoy and create more wonderful characters with agony and happiness. But how? I have to read more and more, I will read, because I am born to lead my own era and no one can stop me to do so, no one means no one. And certainly I will not proclaim like Fredric Willhem Nietzshe, ''Day after tomorrow is mine.'' I will say , ''Today is mine and I will capture the tomorrow by dint of hard work.''

9May
Today I went to collect some material about the old painter.And I am surprised to know that all the paintings and portraits hanging in the state legislative assembly have been made by him. Now he is too old to walk. But when I went there he welcomed me. He has lost all his teeth, and has some difficulty to pronounce the words. In spite of it I sat with him more than two hours. He told me all the stories of his youth, and really I enjoyed his stories. The name of the painter is Rada Mohan Sahaye. His son, too, is trying to be a painter, I saw his painting but he is not up to mark. Art is not like a wealth that can be inherited from father to son.
I am thinking very seriously to propose the black girl's younger. Let me do it, I don't want to think about its consequence.

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

Some pages of a torn- diary (part 3)

(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale)
14 April
Today was Sunday. The director asked me to go with a long drive. I am always fascinated with his driving skill, and specially with his motorbike. He has named it ''Gajraj'' Both of us covered nearly fifty kilometer, I was sitting behind him, and drinking bottles of bear one after another. It was an interesting drive.

16 April
It was a late night. And all of sudden I felt strong desire to see the Red Ford of our country. For last two days I had been reading about the story of Delhi. I had only two rupees in my pocket.I went to the Railway station, but was informed the that the last train of Delhi had left the platform. But my natural instincts were provoking me to leave This city as soon as possible. When I came out of the Railway station I saw a running bus. I ran after it without knowing what I was doing. I jumped over it. And within minutes I was on the top of the bus. I was alone there, all around, there was only boxes and beddings. It was a hot day, so I opened the buttons of my shirt sat down. AT first check post at he Gandhi Bridge, the driver noticed me and I was kick off the bus. Another railway station was waiting for me. I started walking. I just felt, I don't know it was my walking dream or reality, a black snake touched my feet and went away quickly. I saw the reflection of sleeping city in the Great river Ganges. I love this city and this river. This river is deeply related with the civilization of this country. It has a lot of mythical stories, I believe in all those stories. I have never seen the Tames of England and the Volga of Russia, but I am sure the Ganges is the most beautiful city under the sky, at least to me. I came directly to the another Railway station, and here I was informed that the train to Delhi was just come. Fortunately I have my diary at my hand, and my pen is flowing constantly over it. I know one day these words will make me immortal. The train has come and I am going to catch it. Remember I have only two rupees in my pocket.

April 17
The train is running very fast, and I am looking to the red Sun that is emerging far from under the earth. I know the universal truth that the sun is stable and all the planets are moving around it. I know that for this truth Gallilio had been compel to take back his words and latter he had to spend nine years in a dark a room and became blind. But still I want to use the literary truth not the scientific one regarding the Sun. I bow down before the sun. I am hungry and have nothing to eat. I have no ticket so I am forced to leave the train after six hours. It is a day time. I want to do some manual work so that I can earn and eat something. But wherever I go, people think I am a beggar because I have lost my shirt and slippers at the top of the bus. Really I am looking like a beggar. I have left the idea to earn and come back to the Railway station of the historical city, it is a heartless city, at least to me. Again I am waiting for the Delhi train. Oh my God! Heavy rains has started, and I am feeling cold. I search my pocket and gets only two rupees. Here life is difficult to me, but I enjoy it, because I have dream to see the Red Fort. The train comes and again I enter into it.

18 April
The train stops at the Old Delhi Railway Station. It is 3 am. in the morning. I walk very slowly and come out of the platform. I have not slept for two days. I want to sleep, but there is no chance. Just outside the Railway station, some people come to me and ask if I want to have a bed. But I have no money to afford a bed so say nothing, but just walks up. Then some police men come to me and inquire. I say them nothing. Then I am arrested and sent to a nearby Police station. More than twenty people have arrested that night. I am asked to sit among them. I sit silently. An officer asks me, ''Who are you, and from where are you coming? '' I simply say, ''I am a writer, I just want to see the Red Fort, so why I come here. I want to tell you very frankly that I have no ticket.'' He is surprised to listen me. Then he offers me some tea and biscuits. I take it. A lot of police men comes there and ask the arrested men to sing and dance. One of them starts singing and dancing, after a little while all of them, including some police men, starts dancing. I feel that I am the king of Delhi and my subjects are welcoming me. I enjoy it a lot, and I am sure no one under the sky has experienced such type of life, it is marvelous, it beautiful, it excellent and above all it is beyond any grammar. Oh! the page is finished, I have to uses another date.

19 April
After half and hour, the officer asks me to leave the place and he shows me the road that leads to Red Ford. I am walking. The yellow light is spread all around the road and I can see the Red Fort, although I have a long distance. Wow ! Super !! I am highly fascinated with the beauty of Red Fort, Under a lot of powers full light, all its dimensions are reflected. I feel that it is my Fort, and for a lot time it has been waiting for me. I am highly mesmerized to see it. When I come very near to it I see countless pigeons, sitting all around the Fort. I never like pigeon, I like only eagle and falcon. Someone calls me and I turn to the voice. I see an army man, coming towards me. ''You are going for toilet here. Go away. It is not the place for such work,'' he says loudly and I loose my control. ''I have come here only to see the Red Fort and you are saying me such words, Have you gone mad? '' Then and there he realizes that he has pronounced something wrong. Very soon he becomes my friend and asks me to stay with him. But I am not in mood to stay here so I go ahead. But he says ''If you do not get any proper place at night, must come here.'' When I come to a road, a little girl gives me a red rose without any words, and again I feel that I am the king of Delhi and my subjects are offering different thing in different ways. At a traffic post I get two slippers, and starts walking on. Rain has started again, but I do not want shelter. I just enjoy it as I think nature is very happy with me and it is leading me. I move slowly and see both sides on the road. Under the shops shutter countless people are sleeping, among them I can see dogs and goats. The life is hell here! Somewhere I feel a inner pain, how can we say that we as nation we are independent and civilized? Who is responsible for this life? Thinking such types of questions I go ahead. I feel the smell of blood of those innocent people who had been killed by Tamur Lang and his army. Again I have to use the next page, I mean next date.

20 April
The bus service has stated in the city and I have walked a lot. Now I am tired. I want some rest. I see a college in front of me, and I feel a strong desire to deliver my lecture here. I enter into the college. Students are moving here and there. I enter into a class room, full of students, and offer for my lecture. But the students think that I want some help. They start collecting money for me, but I refuse to accept it and tell them that I only want to deliver my lecture if you are interested. Meanwhile, a professor comes and asks me to leave the class, because it is his class. I leave the class and go to meet the principal. To him I request for a class but I am not allowed. I leave the place. All of sudden I remember one of my friends who is working in a daily mid-day newspaper. I start searching the office of the newspaper. After two hours, I enter into his office. He is surprised to see me and my condition. On the pone he talks about me to his lady-boss who asks him to take me there. With him I enter into her big house in posh locality. When she sees me she asks me to go to her little temple, made in her beautiful house. I say her that I do not want to see the God and she says quickly, ''But the God wants to see you.'' I go to the temple and see the Lord Ganesha. I sit there and feel the existence of God. She gives me a good shirt and five hundred rupees and asks me to do a work for her. She wants to cover the life of a prominent painter of my city for her production house. She asks me to do some research works regarding the painter. I accept her proposal, as I have no alternative. At night I stay with my friend. In her room, a meet his room met who is a young photographer. He drinks before me but does not offer. I feel a strong desire for drinking. Next morning, I catch the first train to my city. Of course before catching it, I buy a bottle of Vodaka. During the returning I drink furiously.

22 April
Oh! Again I am in my Omen, my lovely Omen! It seems like my mother to me. I can sing here and sleep here. I am tired badly, so I am going to sleep. I have still some Vodaka, Let me drink three pegs…or more.
…..continue

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

Some pages of a torn- diary (part 2)

(by alok nandan, dedicated to a Nightingale)
(Here is some next pages)
19 March
Today I met one of my old professors. He was a socialist leader but now he has changed his religion. He has accepted Budhism. All his dress has changed… He looked like a monk, a devil monk. Earlier he would abuse the whole Hindu system and its Gods and Godesses, and even today he was abusing them much confidently. Before accepting Budhism he was a proclaimed Marxist, and was very much hopeful for an upcoming revolution. Earlier somewhere I was highly fascinated by him, but now I can say he is a fool, He neither understands Hindusim, nor Marxism and nor even Budhism.I told him to do some constructive works and he started abusing me. He was planning to go to China. I wish he must be shoot there, he is a alive hell ! Always talk about destruction.

20 March
Today two young British men came at our English Institute. They were invited by me. During conversation one of them commented that Mr. Mohan Das Karamchand Gandhi was the helper of British. It was his natural comment, and I realized that he was telling truth. Letter I went through his 'My Experiment with Truth'. This book has been written by a very simple mind. In this book he has accepted very honestly about the events and experience of his life. Mr. Gandhi is great due to his simplicity. His death attracted me. He was killed by a so called fanatic named Nathuram Godse. I tried my level best to understand the mind of Nathuram Godse. I got a book ''Gandhi Wadh kyon? (Gandhi killing why?) by Gopal Nath Godse. According to this book, Gandhi was killed due to Political reasons. The death of Mr. Gandhi is more glorious than his deeds. All his political movement was not successful. Once I said this before an old Gandhian and he was very much furious with me. Even he was ready to hit me, then I told him that you were going against philosophy of non-violence. Anyhow he controlled himself. I always enjoy irritating people.

23 March
The electric girl gave me a message. She wanted to meet me. I was pleased to listen it. Today we went into a zoo and talked a lot. She told me that she was a painter and had interest in music. Her eyes are big and beautiful. But she is a clever girl who has a lot of boy-friends. She told me a lot of stories of her boy-friends. I feel a strong desire to kiss her lips but anyhow I controlled myself. I asked her to make a portrait of Adolf Hitler, and she gave me assurance. I am going to provide her the cover page of Mein Kamph. Let me see her work. I always feel a strong passion towards painting. I invited her to my Omen, and she promised me to come. I am waiting for that day. Meanwhile, I have a soft corner for that black girl and her sister too. When the director told me that the black girl was engaged with someone, a cloud of sorrow covered my mind and heart. I was very much frustrated and director provided me wine to sink. I drank too much, but my sorrow was more powerful than the intoxication of wine. Now I am thinking about her younger sister and the painter girl. The would be civil servant is now frustrating me. Again and again he is talking about committing suicide. I bought some poison from a snake holder and gave him and told, ''use it, your problem will be solved.'' He was surprised to listen me.When Mr. Gandhi did not dare to commit suicide after taking a firm decision in his early age, how could he do? Killing a man is more easy than suicide. Suicide needs more and more courage, better to say extreme courage.


25 March
The painter girl has gave me ''Godan'' written by Premchand. I like the character of Miss Malati. I love her, I love her. She is a beautiful and a brilliant woman. She loves Dr Mehata who is a philosopher. I love Premchand's firsts story ''Duniya ka sabase Anmol Ratan.'' He is an idealistic writer. When I turned the pages of Godan I got one letter and three poetries written by the painter girl. She is asking for my first story that had been sent to her earlier but she had refused to accept it. I do not know where the story is now. I have to search and I will search it for her.

27 March
The blond girl is still angry with me. I know her all secrets through the director. She is very much possessive to the director and he enjoys her possession. A new student has also knocked the door of his heart, and at the same time he is in love with her. The blond girl knows it and she is complaining against it. Sometimes he has some difficult situation regarding them but he manages very well, and says to manage more than one girl is an art. He is very proud of his art. Somewhere the blond girl is thinking to marry with him. He, too, wants same thing but he is afraid of his orthodox father who will never allow him to marry with her. He asks me what to do, and I do not know what to say.

30 March
Life is easy with wine and books. Still I have not decided about my future. One thing is very clear to me that I have ability to write. I can see those things that people miss easily. Let me enjoy my life with wine and books. I have decorated my hut according to my choice. There are one table and one chair, made of woods, in the hut. The table is full of different kind of books. There is also a bed in the hut. I have made a small window in the hut. An open and big ground can be seen through the window. I love this ground. At the corner of the ground there is a wireless office; it controls the air-traffic, two kilometer away there is an airport, the main airport of the city. This wireless office is connected with the airport. In the morning one can see, through my small window, those people who are busy in morning walk and the boys who play cricket and football. The first ray of the sun enters into my hut through this window. No one can imagine how much I love my hut.

1 April
I have just finished ''My university'' by Maxim Gorky and going through ''My apprenticeship''. ''My childhood '' is, too, waiting for me. I love his words most, specially the world and characters he depicts. He is the real representative of the proletariat of Russian Society. I have never seen such types of writing. His life intoxicates me. He is a real genius. Let me read him. He is great ! I have decided that one day I will represent my own world through my writings, I am going to be a writer, and nothing else. I have to create magic through my words, for it I will work hard. I have to create my own style, that will not match with any other style. But first I have to understand styles of other great writers. I don't want to follow them, I just want to understand them, so that I can create my won unique style. Let me start from Maxim Gorky. I will re-write his books, all the books. I will start with ''My University.''

April 5.
I am working very systematically with ''My University.'' Without changing any words of a sentence, I am transforming the sentence from simple to compound, from compound to complex and from complex to mixed, and vice versa. It is an interesting and mechanical work. With each day I am improving my expertise, I think very soon I will be in position to play with sentences. ''My University'' is a translated work, From Russian to English, so it allow me to work with it pleasantly. As well, I am thinking to do the same work with the editorial of any standard newspaper, it will give my writing a finishing touch regarding contemporary English.

April 7.
The painter girl has created a wonder regarding the portrait of Adolf Hitler. She has done a great job. She has made two portraits of Hitler, she has given one to me and has remained one for herself. But she has done a silly mistake, she has not made the Swastika mark perfectly. And I hate it. She has given me her five new poetry. I enjoy her silly poetries, these are full of love and emotion, although these are constructed not according to the grammar of poetry. Her lips are red, I always feel a strong desire to kiss them. I will take an attempt, no matter what will be the consequence. Will she oppose me? I do not understand a girl's psychology, but I have to understand it. Next time, I am going to kiss her lips. Wow ! The kissing idea is exciting me.

April 9.Adolf Hitler has written more than five hundred poetries for his first love, although he did not give her a single poetry.

11 April
I have changed the ribbon of my typewriter, but still it is not working well. T, D, E, S letters are completely vanished. Its green color has completely changed. I am trying hard to improve my speed. I have an bookshelf in my hut, its glass is broken. Rates move in it freely, I provide them bread so that they cannot harm my books. I do not want to kill them, I am always against killing any creature. All creature are gift of nature. I love nature and its law too much. I have hung the portrait of Hitler in my Omen. Whenever I see it I feel the girl. I am determined to kiss her…I am just waiting for her.


13 April
Horrible!Horrible !! Horrible !!! The smell of her mouth was horrible! When I kissed her, I feel the bad smell of her breath. I was just to vomit. Then and there I drank two glasses of water. She was afraid to see my reaction and asked, ''What happened?''. I say simply say, ''the smell of your mouth is not good. Next time when you come here, wash your mouth properly.'' A polite suggestion to beautiful women: must wash her teeth and mouth properly.
To me first kissing experience is not pleasant.


Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.